Five Days

This Wednesday, five days from now, I'll walk into a familiar office and meet with my high-risk OB/GYN. He found me last year, in the emergency room when I was first diagnosed with the ectopic pregnancy. I was supposed to only see him again when I was pregnant, I'm not pregnant. This spring my family doctor requested an ultrasound that suggested I had PCOS, when asked who I would want to work with from there I immediately requested him.

I have a million questions written down, along with every cycle I've had since the ectopic pregnancy. Do I sound over prepared? I suppose that is just how I am – I think way too much.

Generally I am frustrated by the whole scenario; I am perfectly healthy and overall the “textbook definition of prenatal/maternal health” why have I continued to come across these terrible situations (the placental abruption causing us to loose our son, the ectopic pregnancy ending what would have been our second chance and now this, PCOS) Why Me? Why all three? Why our son? maybe I could have accepted all this if at least he was here. Once upon a time I wanted a big family, I'm at the point where I will be over the moon with one child.. it's funny how things change.

Sometimes, I find the whole thing comical – maybe that is a sign that I am finally cracking under it all, I'm kidding. But it's just the thought of what could possibly be next? It can't be just a simple pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby. I don't even care for the simple pregnancy, bring it on, just result in a healthy baby with both of us happy and alive.

Other times my mind is beyond angry; What did I do so wrong to deserve this? No, forget this attitude, it is because somewhere within me I am strong enough and the same goes for anyone else reading – You're right, you don't deserve this, but this is what it is and you will find strength within yourself that you never even imagined was there. You're a champion and someday you'll look back on your life and think “wow, I overcame all of that” just like I know one day I will too.

Anyway, (if you can't tell) I have such a mixture of emotions leading into this doctors appointment. Part of me can't wait; to have answers, to have a plan, to have someone tell me what is reallu going on. But another part of me is so afraid of what I may be told; What if it takes years to conceive? What if we keep loosing? My heart breaks even more at the thought of not being able to be a mother here in this world, not being capable to give my dear husband the chance to be the wonderful father I know he'll be. It's scary, but I can only hope for the best at this point.