Hurricane Grief

"Does it ever get better?" I was so afraid that the grief would never lessen, that I would never escape the agony of those early days after loosing our son. Spending endless nights in tears until my body would give in to the inevitable sleep and days just trying to get by until I could safely hide away and cry, I couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of our baby. How desperately I wished I could wake up again that morning and end the day with our baby coming home with us. I remember searching forum after forum of women who had lost their babies, feeling so defeated when some would say that it never gets better or that it will only get better once you have your rainbow (a rainbow baby is a baby born after the proverbial "storm" of loosing a baby). But there were some, sprinkled in here and there, that said it'd get easier and they gave me hope.

I don't believe we just get used to the pain, maybe some, because I know I can be completely fine one day then have a complete breakdown the next that is so uncomfortably similar to those early days and I worry I won't get out this time - but I always do. I may not believe that we get completely used to it but I do believe that this pain does become easier to carry, after a while you are able to think about other things and even smile or laugh. The triggers to your breakdowns become fewer and while there are still some you know that it will pass just as the last breakdown did. It does get easier, sure in some ways it is hard for me to say that as I am processing my third loss but it has gotten better and if I were to compare the ache in my heart today to that of 5 months ago, 4 years ago I know I have come a long way.

So if you're midst the heavy downpour of the hurricane called grief I want to tell you to take it one day at a time, allow yourself the time to grieve and know that no one can tell you when you should "just get over it" because it doesn't work that way. When you can, try to find a way to remember and celebrate your baby - your baby was real, your baby was here. It'll be five years this October and I am only now just putting together a book about the nine months I carried our son and the brief time we had together, it's painful but it'll be worth it. Find support, your family and friends will try and know that they are doing the best they can but sometimes it is really good to have someone that has been through what you have, someone that understands. More than likely there is a support group in your area, there are wonderful women on the forums and a vast number of blogs or vlogs all over the web - I'm working on making a page for some of my favorites. October 15th is recognized in North America as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day and there are a number of events thrown around October in memory of the babies that didn't get to be here - I strongly suggest you find one, we drive 3 hours to go and due to work schedules have unfortunately missed a few years but it is such a rewarding experience, to have someone else say our son's name and a crowd of people pause and wait for his balloon to be released is an amazing feeling - we do the same for each other name, stopping and thinking of the little babies gone too soon, it's a heartbreaking but beautiful day. In all honesty, seek out the things that help you through the worst and figure out what works best for you - everyone grieves differently and you owe it to yourself to do whatever it is that is best for you but know that it does get easier.

xo, Anne.