Hello Square One

In two days my period will be a full month late, if I was pregnant I'd be 8 weeks – how desperately I wish I was pregnant. I've been spending the last few days almost in a state of disbelief, I cannot believe we're practically back to square one and I'm not really ready to accept that my cycle has gone awol again. I know I need to book an appointment with my obstetrician sooner than we planned and once again, not because I am pregnant like we had hoped.

Only a handful of months ago we were cleared and had high hopes of conceiving naturally, on our own. It is almost unbelievable that we're more than likely heading back to fertility drugs and the mountain of stress that will come with it. I'm so not ready to accept all of this yet, I can't wrap my head around why this has to be so difficult for us.

There will be more tests to hopefully find out what's going on, especially since they'll have to confirm I'm not pregnant first – even though we know better, more blood tests and who knows how many weeks before we can even start on Clomid again. Then there is this massive shadow looming over us starting Clomid again, this is our last attempt – just 3 cycles and if we're not successful my obstetrician will have to move us to fertility specialists. Then there goes even more money and every last bit of enjoyment that making a baby had left for us.

I know in the end none of this will matter, the day we hold our sweet baby will make every single piece of this completely worth it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck in the mean time.