Loss Resources

I have wanted to put together a quick resource list for the loss community, whether your loved one has lost their sweet baby or yourself has heard those devastating words "I'm sorry..." sometimes it can be really hard to find good, safe, places to turn to. 

These were, and still are sometimes, mine.

NILMDTS - or Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a non-profit organization that offers families suffering the loss of their baby high quality professional photos. Like I mentioned last week, having photos - even if it may sound so strange standing on the outside, is an incredible blessing. I didn't know about this organization when we lost our son but the more people that know about the more chances for it to fall into the hands of those who need it.

Still Standing Magazine - Still Standing is an online magazine that has a variety of writers and touch on subjects ranging from infertility to pregnancy and infant loss. 

Glow in the Woods - Glow in the Woods is another online magazine, another great variety of experiences written and shared, as I often found, in a very poetic fashion.

Faces of Loss - a personal favorite of mine, they welcome anyone to come and share your story. Each story is tagged in ways that you can follow if you're looking for someone closer to what you have experienced. They put real, honest, stories to faces and it is such an incredible way to be reminded that you are not alone. You're welcomed to share your own story, link with others in the loss community and break the silence that you are 1 in 4.

Etsy - I know Etsy is a huge website, and not exclusive to the loss community but by using the search bar it is so easy to come across a number of pregnancy and infant loss memorial items, from jewelry to artwork and more.

xo, Anne

TTC Update - What's Next for Us?

This month has been a mess, even in the blog you can probably tell that my head has been all over the place. Do we try something new? Do we keep trying naturally? Do we go back to Clomid? Stop charting? Keep charting? I certainly feel all over the place. So I wanted to be honest with you and explain what has been going on in my head, aside from confusion.

I'm getting desperate, May was supposed to mean a new beginning, although we miscarried our little May baby, which was every sort of devastating, I was so sure that we would be pregnant again by now (I don't know, after over 2 years ttc, why I would think it would happen quickly this time?). Everything was (and still is) regular but as we are heading to 6 months without success I'm starting to feel defeated again. I know I am young and that there is still time but I feel like I am stuck in this middle ground. Not pursuing things because “if I get pregnant I can't do this”, not doing things because “I might be pregnant” and yet I keep holding onto the knowledge that Clomid worked last time so I can always try that again. But every month that passes I feel like a failure and it feels like I am wasting my time waiting since I'm not getting pregnant anyway. I know ultimately it will all be worth it, I know that everything we have come through will be worth it when we are holding our baby but this is still so hard to go month to month without any success.

So after spending the last month debating between trying Clomid, continuing naturally, and attempting things that bounce around the TTC community. We have decided to meet with my OB next month and go back on Clomid. We will be going back to the same dose that we got pregnant on last year and although I am nervous to go through the side effects that the double dose of Clomid did to me last year I am excited that it will work again and we might be pregnant. I also have to acknowledge that we may not get pregnant on Clomid again and that means waiting for the reproductive specialist to decide that I'm a priority which my OB warns may not happen for a while considering my age. It sucks thinking that this could mean putting actively trying to conceive behind me for a while, moving my focus away from becoming a Mom but at the same time it means I can move forward which I don't feel like I can right now.

We will still be trying this cycle, I see my OB on June 4^th and of course there is a chance we could be pregnant but I am preparing to go back to Clomid this summer. Interesting note, every time I have started Clomid it has been in the summer 2011, 2012 and now 2013. Hoping that we will have our 2014 baby one way or another!

xo, Anne.

May 2013

April became May last week, a month that I once looked forward to with sheer excitement I now dreaded and as the month began the realization that all of those dreams and hopes were obviously not going to happen. More than any other day in the last 6 months since my miscarriage have I been so aware of where we would have been. Some of the girls from my due date group have already delivered and I can't help but picture how different things would have been, even if I hadn't delivered yet it isn't difficult to imagine how my body would have been and what we would have been doing in preparation for our May baby. When that test turned positive I couldn't wait for May 2013 to come, dreaming of the final days before our baby would be here, instead I welcomed May with a broken heart and a heavy break down. I spent most of the day crying and laying down on the floor, my heart heavy with the knowledge that our baby should have been here and with the sadness that I wasn't pregnant again by now, with my cycle still MIA I had no idea when that would even be possible. I felt so completely defeated, however the day passed and while it is still so hard to know that we would have been so close by now the heaviness in my heart has lifted some and I am trying to keep my mind distracted as our would've been due date approaches.

The next day my cycle started, four days late, I didn't want to jinx myself with hopes that this would happen and instead prepared my mind for a no-show cycle, but I am very happy that I was only a few days late - that is still normal. But during CD1 I am very hesitant to get excited (yeah, I get excited over a regular period at this point, ugh) and ever since the ectopic pregnancy I don't always trust that my period is indeed my period because I have bled for other reasons before, so I watch hoping that it will follow the regular pains and heaviness that I usually experience. Today is cycle day five and things are starting to wind down, as another ttc cycle begins we have decided to continue trying on our own for now (although I wont take anything off the table) and will not be adding anything just yet (ie. Clomid from my OB or trying any of ideas bounced around the ttc community). I will begin charting my temps again and am considering trying my ovulation kit but not too sure if I will, other than that we will be keeping up our healthly eating and activity levels – as always, hoping this is our last cycle trying and that next month I am pregnant.

xo, Anne.

Cycle Update

So I sort of quit charting this cycle, while I like how much you can learn from charting and especially from your temps it is also kind of stressful for me. It usually lends to the monthly pregnancy suspicions, I obsess over the dates and compare them to when we did our part, then there is this whole other world of possible pregnancy symptoms. It just drives me insane sometimes, so after my temps got a little wonky around (suspected) ovulation I quit - which may not have been the best idea since my cycle is late now.

I took a test earlier in my cycle, it was negative but when my period didn't show up yesterday I started to over-analyze and it even had me up middle of the night thinking too much. So I pulled out that other test and still negative - boo. I know there are women that can be pregnant and not get a positive HPT but I've never had that before and my cycle has disappeared on me in the past so I am not holding my breath (hopefully it will stay that way though). I'm trying not to be too frustrated with it, trying not to stress myself out because it is still very early and maybe we are just going to be a little bit late - just hoping I don't have another 100+ day cycle because that is ridiculous.

I am a little excited at the possibility that my cycle is just moving weeks (it used to do that every so often, even when I was really regular) because my current cycle puts me at the beginning of the month for a potential due date but because of my history with the placental abruption I will more than likely deliver early and not in the birth month that the potential due date was in. Obviously that isn't a big deal but I kind of liked saying we're having a May baby because we were due mid May and even if we delivered early it would still be in May - I'll take our healthy baby whenever, due date doesn't matter it just makes me feel like something fun will come out of my cycle being late.

I'm just not sure how to feel about where things will go from here, as long as everything stays regular I don't need to attempt clomid. Clomid was an, if needed, option but if my period disappears for much longer it is going to be needed and I am not sure if I am really ready to feel like I need Clomid. But at the same time, I will be going back on the 100mg dose like last summer when I got pregnant with our last which makes me feel very hopeful that we will get pregnant again quickly and hopefully bring that baby home with us.

I am strangely not as emotional as I thought I would be - especially since this was the last cycle I could get pregnant before the May due date of our miscarriage but I am sure that will come too. I guess I am still sorting through my thoughts, hopefully everything will come together soon.

xo, Anne.

Cycle Emotions

We are on cycle 4 of ttc since our miscarriage last October (or cycle 38 since we started this journey) and first I want to say that I can't believe we have been trying than long - thirty eight long months of waiting and wishing, negative tests and disappointment, thirty eight months. My temps are confusing me a little, in theory I ovulated last Friday but I'll have to see how the temps are in the coming days. Regardless I'm not feeling too hopeful for this cycle, I'm not even sure why as we've obviously been doing our part and I've been adding some pregnancy super foods to the diet along with the constant prenatal vitamin - there is always a little hope but I don't feel as good about it this month compared to others. If I am not pregnant, my next cycle should start on the 28th and ugh I'm starting to feel really desperate to be pregnant - I'm terrified the ticking clock on my regular cycles will run out and  when I miscarried I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before the due date came. I was due May 13th, as April continues to trickle by I can't help imaging how different our lives would be if I hadn't miscarried. My heart is so broken knowing that we are still so far away from that happiness and I'm not sure how I am going to keep it together when May arrives and I am not only without our baby but not pregnant either.

I've been such a complete mess this cycle, more than usual I have been thinking about our son - not that he ever leaves my mind but he isn't always in my thoughts this way. I have been thinking so much about the little man he would be now, 4 going on 5, preparing for school this fall, he would be tall and with me not working right now I can't stop thinking about what we would be doing together. I just can't wait to be wanted, you know the way mom is always best, when they could be sick or sad and only want mom and once she is there everything else is okay. I want that so badly it is tearing down the very walls I built around my heart to keep this pain in so quickly I can barely catch my breath. I just want to be a mom and not being a mom is really taking its toll on my emotions lately.

I have started to look into a few things that we may do differently next cycle - I'm not really putting high expectations into it but at the same time I've been reading up on a few things and feel like this is the right step to take before we consider going back on Clomid. But I'll ride out this two week wait first and hopefully, all of the emotions and planning for next cycle won't matter because we will be pregnant (I can hope right, aha).

xo, Anne.

Easter & an Update

Just wanted to give a little update on my cycle and say Happy Easter; we've colored eggs with our little nieces and watched our little nephew hunt of Easter goodies. We were able to spend time soaking in our families and I am so grateful we were able to do that. The holidays are still hard for me, knowing how magical it is with children is a loud reminder of what I am missing out on but I'm doing what I can not to let that take away my day. Wishing everyone a Happy Easter, hoping the day may be gentle on the hearts of those missing loved ones (little or not) in heaven.

- - -

My period came right on time, I was able to avoid wasting money on a negative test (although Dyl ninja rolled over to the shelf to get me a box the day before my period came) and I am glad that it came on time. However I had a rough few days sorting through being grateful it was regular and being disappointed that  it came because I wasn't pregnant. Dealt with the usual feelings of defeat and wondering if we would ever be pregnant again, along with fighting off the bitter taste of envy and jealousy with so many people around me having children with no effort - it sucks. Not sure what else I can really do differently, I can pinpoint ovulation through my chart so at this point we're gambling with the odds. But I am feeling better, day 4 now and feeling hopeful for our next cycle, we have a 25% chance every month just like any other healthy couple so I'll keep hoping.

xo, Anne.

Nope.

Well, we're not pregnant this month. In some ways I expected that we wouldn't conceive this cycle since we only got the official "go ahead" at ovulation but I was still hopeful. I continued bbt charting and things looked really good, so when I got to 13dpo with no sign of my period coming I took a test - but it was negative and I was crushed. Remember that emotional roller coaster I mentioned in my last post? yeah, but after talking to and cuddling with my husband my mood turned around and I was looking forward to my next cycle. Except my period didn't come and I started to worry that history was repeating itself; that my cycles were about to go wonky once again and that we would have to go back on the fertility medication - something I am really not ready for. So I kept hoping for otherwise and tried not to stress myself out in the meantime, it arrived 3 days late which I assume is a reflection of the additional stress I've had this last month (things are getting back to normal now which is nice) so my period is currently kicking my butt and I am happy it is here, looking forward to another month and being hopeful that we will get our positive soon.

Infertility - It Sucks!

As if swallowing the thought of (possibly) never having a child isn't difficult enough, as a couple facing infertility there are so many things that just make this struggle a little bit harder - I just wanted to write some of them out. I ask that anyone reading, please do not take this offensively I am able to recognize that people don't do these things maliciously (or at least, majority don't) it just comes with the territory.

1. "You're not pregnant yet?" or any variation of the like; I know people are curious and for the most part it doesn't occur to most that someone they know may be dealing with infertility ( heck, in the past I'm sure I've done it without thinking) but when I hear that question my heart drops a little and I wonder how to best answer the question which usually leads to an awkward pause and a no. For the most part, and this goes for our losses as well as our infertility, I don't share with others - when I do it is a big deal and generally means I value and trust you. It takes a lot of consideration, a lot of wondering how to best share something so personal and for me, I worry about how someone else will handle our story.

2. "I'm pregnant!!" every pregnancy announcement, and every pregnant woman or mother, is a little reminder of all the things we pray and hope for, and every heart break we have felt over not getting pregnant. I get jealous, I over-analyze them and wonder what is so wrong with us? What did we do wrong that they got right? and I know logically that it has nothing to do with us, that their pregnancy and happiness isn't an attack on our struggles. But it is hard to hear and see, when you so desperately wish it was you too.

3. People who complain about their pregnancy/child drive me mad, and again I can recognize that it is difficult to be a parent. I'm sure things get frustrating and depending on the outlet I understand there could be a need to complain. However, standing on the outside looking in I am reminded of a quote "The things that you take for granted, someone else is wishing for" and it kind of sucks for the person wishing to listen to what seems like trivial complaints - Um sort of off topic, but I have dropped 'wishing' for nonsense all together, I don't 'wish for a new car!' or 'wish my hair looked like that' and it irks me when people do that while all I am thinking of is that there are people wishing for so much more than this - wishing for a cure, wishing for warmth or food at the end of the day, wishing for something that makes these little things seem so insignificant.

4. "Don't worry, you're young" oh my goodness how I hate hearing that. Yes, I am young and I realize that I have a lot of life ahead of me but that doesn't change or diminish how much I want to be a mother or how good of a mother I will be. I know people are trying to be comforting but at the same time I don't want to "focus on my career" or "go traveling" I know a lot of young couples do these things and that they are happy with where their lives are and that is so good for them. But I'm talking about me and my marriage, we have decided we want to start our family and just because things are difficult for us means we should just be happy because we are "young" no, not okay with that.

5. "Just relax" we have actually tried "just relaxing" and it didn't do us any good. However I do try to avoid getting stressed out over our cycles, I don't personally try to plan our sex but I do watch for certain indications and if we happen to have sex great! But when you are taking fertility medication there is actually a window that you SHOULD be having sex or why bother putting your body through the medication and suddenly "just relax" can't happen, and even if you aren't on fertility medication there is a certain part of your cycle that gives you your best chance at conception and missing it means another month wasted.

6. and, finally the monthly roller coaster you seem to live on; right after your period you start tracking your cycle, you hope that ovulation will come along and you think, maybe we actually timed things out right. Then you sit in the two week wait, wondering if it is still too early to test and wait?! was that a symptom? did this happen last month? Scouring forums and blogs for stories like yours, stories that end with a baby. You start to feel hopeful that this could be it, finally, figuring out your possible due date and imagining how your life will change then. You review your chart and things look great, you really start to think that this month might be it and you begin imagining telling your husband and your families -  how excited everyone will be. Then the temp drops, or you get that negative test, or your period comes along and while you realize that you still have a chance next month, you grieve and cry, wondering what went wrong. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am sure there is so much more, but my mind has started to wander and I think I should close this before I start to really ramble.

A Break

I think, at this point in time, that is truly where I stand right now, I make no promises for the future or even how we will feel in a month or two but I know that right now, in this moment, that I need a break. I need a break from the stress of trying to conceive, charting and tracking, temperatures and paying too much attention to all the little signals the body may or may not send. I need a break from "I can't, just incase", the disappointment of another negative test and having my heart break with every failed month.

I need time to heal the fresh breaks in my already broken heart, I want to find a way to remember this baby and I need to take some time to focus on myself and on my sweet husband who has been so strong for me while he is dealing with so much too. I will still be around and I pray that when we are ready that I will return, happy and healthy, and pregnant again.

Until we meet again.

Gone

Mid Monday shortly after reading, in awe, of the development our 10 weeks of pregnancy had accomplished, I went to the bathroom and I noticed a worrisome amount of pink/brown discharge, I was terrified and Dyl quickly called my OB's office to ask them to arrange an ultrasound for me - which they did for the following day. I spent the rest of the evening with my feet up, convincing myself everything was okay. People all over had experienced far worse bleeding and went on to have healthy babies, midst searching the forums I noticed the bleeding had slowed to only when I went bathroom. I was hopeful, I wasn't bleeding red and it was going away still I couldn't shake the thought that we were loosing another pregnancy.

Our ultrasound approached slowly, I couldn't wait to see if everything was okay but at the same time I was so scared to go in and find out something went wrong. On our way to the ultrasound I tried to prepare for the worst but once the tech put the wand to my belly I saw our little baby and I couldn't help but feel relieved, he or she was still there. But quickly my heart sunk as I realized there was no movement, there should be movement by 10 weeks. I looked to the tech, remembering how happy and sweet our first tech was, this time there was no smile and I could tell from the little conversation we had that the tech was searching for something positive to talk about.  Which turned out to be worse than the silence as she asked about my previous pregnancies and auto-assumed our precious son had survived the placental abruption. She excused herself and I knew she was getting the doctor, suddenly this felt all too familiar and the memories of our sweet son then the ectopic replayed in my mind. How could this be happening again? tears threatened to fall as I pleaded desparately to have good news. Please let my baby be okay, but I could tell the moment the doctor walked in it was bad.

"I'm sorry..." and I knew it was over, our baby was gone.

The tech left to go get Dyl and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

Rest in peace my sweetheart, may you dance among the clouds with your brother.

I'll have to write more later..

Things You Shouldn't Say

I could write a whole post on the many things people shouldn't say to someone struggling to get pregnant or someone who has lost a child, this post however is going to center around one thing someone said to me today which quite possibly takes the cake for worst thing someone has ever said to me.

I seldom open up to people about our struggles, it's our story plain and simple. But today, I suppose in a moment of sheer insanity or maybe it was because I have had to dance around “why don't you have any kids yet? “when are you going to have kids?” “are you pregnant?” for the last two years and I've finally had enough.

I sat there and haphazardly explained to a coworker why we haven't had kids yet (just that we've been trying and can't seem to get pregnant) – trust me the moment the words left my mouth I wished I could erase them, why'd I say anything it was better to leave her thinking I was just not interested in having kids. Since I couldn't take back what I had said I half expected things to get awkward or at the very least some attempt at “advice” probably, given our age something like 'you have plenty of time, you're so young' instead I received this...

“He should find someone else & move on” reasoned with " I just feel bad for him”

Is this real life? Did I actually hear what I thought I heard?
I sat there, looking at her, silently trying to process what was just said.

We, as mother's of angels and hopeful mom's waiting for our babies, get our share of hurtful words sometimes they are well meaning but misguided while some are said without thought or consideration. More often than not I receive the first, people try to give us advice or something to hope for and I understand that they mean well.

But this, I couldn't even fathom what I had heard, could she be serious? She continued on, I was barely listening, but I gathered that she hadn't seen many marriages survive (in general, not just with struggling to get pregnant) and in her culture it would happen (even as close to home as her cousin) where if a wife couldn't conceive the husband could marry another and carry on like that. As I sat there I could find reason behind her statement, not enough for her to tell me my husband should leave me since I am a failure as a woman because I can't get pregnant.

As if my insecurities weren't already bad I feel like less of a woman compared to girls that can get pregnant and have children at the drop of a hat while I struggle. I've ripped myself apart constantly searching for a reason why I can't get pregnant, maybe I'm too young? Maybe I'm too skinny? Or too fat? But any reason I come up with is battled down by logic – besides even the doctors consider me text book for a healthy pregnancy. Any time we see someone pregnant, or with small children I get insecure – does my husband wish he was with them instead? Does he wonder if his life would be easier with them? Does he ever think he made the wrong decision staying with me? Is my husband happy to be with me?

It's actually a very painful idea for me, I remember being at the hospital after we had gotten the news about our sweet baby boy and feeling like I had failed. Our happiness was gone and it was my fault, my body had betrayed me. I remember turning to Dyl who had never left my side and told him if he wanted to leave he could – I didn't expect him to stay. Not because I didn't think he loved me or our baby but simply because I felt I had failed him. Instead he cradled my head in his hands and kissed my forehead, never leaving my side and always supporting me. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have my husband, I know there are so many women who face things like my coworker suggested and I can't imagine what that is like – I know I am so very blessed. We have had conversations about our struggles and where we want things to go down the road for us; fostering/adopting a child isn't out of the picture but ultimately we want us happy and together.

When my mind slowed down and I caught my breath I gracefully told my coworker that my husband is happy and we're happy regardless, that we still have plenty of options ahead and that adoption is still on the table as well. I took control and got my point across, would it have felt nice to rip her apart? Maybe, but that isn't how I am and I was able to be myself and still give her something to consider the next time she has the opportunity to think before she speaks. However despite how I finished the conversation this whole experience has only further encouraged me to keep to myself and only share when I feel most comfortable with the person.

I'm way too good of a person right? Maybe I should've just punched her ;)

Waiting

As if on cue the part of me that wishes for my former life and teases me of its happiness went away and on Thursday last week I had finally given up so Dyl called to book an appointment with my obstetrician, want to take a guess at when my appointment is?

July freaking 30th!!

Blahh, I know he is very busy but it just sucks that we'll have to wait that long before anything can start again. I mean, of course we'll continue not-avoiding pregnancy but its difficult to achieve the desired results without ovulation which is what it seems my body has gone back to.

I'm just so disappointed, this essentially means two months wasted and I'm so tired of waiting.

If my period doesn't show up before my appointment I'll reach 5 months late, the longest I had gone last year was 3 months before we started to progesterone pills and clomid cycles and that period was unbelievable – because my body isn't skipping periods it is still building up a lining and when ovulation doesn't occur nothing is telling my body to stop so it keeps building, I don't want to think how bad it's going to be this time.

However, later in the day I finally got over my initial disappointment and realized that this works well for us anyway. I really wanted time to focus on getting back to a healthier lifestyle (healthy eating, regular exercise, taking my vitamins and having a proper sleep schedule) I was so good a couple months back but when things started to slip with my cycles I stopped caring so much. I've already spent the last few days shifting my habits back to healthy and I feel great, I'm certainly looking forward to how great I'll feel in six weeks.

We're also about to embark on a big renovation so I'm excited I'll be able to fully participate and it is summer time – the mountains are calling me constantly to go hiking and this year is the centennial anniversary for the Stampede and since I'm not going to be pregnant I'm planning to really enjoy it. As per usual, I could still enjoy hiking and Stampede while pregnant and probably even help out a little in the renovations too but since I'm not going to be pregnant I might as well celebrate it right? It's just how I deal with the disappointment (you can see me doing the same in earlier entries as well)

Anyway, I guess that is about it for now, I'll be around.

Second Guessing

I'm at odds with myself today, I guess it started yesterday but none the less. I don't know what to do and my mind is literally all over the place. I'm on cycle day 70, no period and it's pretty safe to say I'm not pregnant which means I should be arranging for an appointment with my obstetrician but I don't know what I should say when I do see him.

A part of me; the part that so desperately wants to be a mom, that wants to give my amazing husband a baby, that wants to give our parents another grandchild, for my parents their second living grandchild. I want our baby to remember his/her grand parents – not in a fuzzy blur of photos and stories but real memories, I'm so scared I'll miss that chance. I know how much our world is waiting for our baby and I want so badly to give them that happiness. If I listen to that side, I'll be starting Clomid as soon as we can.

But there is also this part of me, the one that disappears for months but shows up just in time to make me second guess myself. The one that tells me how happy I could be if we wait longer – get into amazing shape, travel, experience new things; things that if we had a baby it'd be all that more difficult. The one that reminds me of a time, pre-pregnancy, when my body was lean and didn't host the scars of pregnancy – if only it was just stretchmarks, when I was happy with my body. I'll never be able to have my old body, or mind, back but I can imagine my happiness as I work with the body I have now. That my confidence will come back, that the hideous marks of pregnancy will lessen and disappear – that I'll be happy again. If I listen to that side who knows what the next months and years will mean not to mention how long "she" will even stick around, what if I agree to take time off and next week I'm back to pleading with my body to be pregnant.

I don't want to begin the next three rounds of Clomid if my heart isn't in it, that happened during our last cycle on Clomid and our efforts were minimal at best - for those that say "relax, don't think about it" that was my greatest effort, and it didn't work. But at the same time, I don't want hormonal birth control to screw my body up even more and I don't want my obstetrician to think I am not ready for this child. I don't want to waste time chasing something that barely matters when ultimately I know I want to be a Mom and I know time is going to run out.

UGH, I don't know what to do at all anymore.

Hello Square One

In two days my period will be a full month late, if I was pregnant I'd be 8 weeks – how desperately I wish I was pregnant. I've been spending the last few days almost in a state of disbelief, I cannot believe we're practically back to square one and I'm not really ready to accept that my cycle has gone awol again. I know I need to book an appointment with my obstetrician sooner than we planned and once again, not because I am pregnant like we had hoped.

Only a handful of months ago we were cleared and had high hopes of conceiving naturally, on our own. It is almost unbelievable that we're more than likely heading back to fertility drugs and the mountain of stress that will come with it. I'm so not ready to accept all of this yet, I can't wrap my head around why this has to be so difficult for us.

There will be more tests to hopefully find out what's going on, especially since they'll have to confirm I'm not pregnant first – even though we know better, more blood tests and who knows how many weeks before we can even start on Clomid again. Then there is this massive shadow looming over us starting Clomid again, this is our last attempt – just 3 cycles and if we're not successful my obstetrician will have to move us to fertility specialists. Then there goes even more money and every last bit of enjoyment that making a baby had left for us.

I know in the end none of this will matter, the day we hold our sweet baby will make every single piece of this completely worth it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck in the mean time.

That Stung

Another negative test the day before Mother's Day, a lovely two weeks & some change late of course I'm not pregnant. I was so hopeful, so ignorant, thinking I could actually be pregnant. I've completely stopped charting, I wont bother to resume until my period eventually shows up and I've quit the prenatal vitamins even though I know I should stick to it because its good for my body but ugh. I'm annoyed and I'm allowed to be, this is kind of ridiculous.

Then, on Mother's Day our friend announced her pregnancy, unknown to her that we would have been a week apart had I actually gotten pregnant. While I'm so happy for her and her husband, her announcement stung hard. I was actually sitting at our front desk at work (on my phone, slacker) and tossed my phone aside, since then I had one image replay in my mind and since I couldn't find exactly what I wanted I made my own.

Enjoy :)
& (just so we're all clear) by no means do I intend for this to be offensive (or anything I say on the blog for that matter) just poking fun at the feelings I deal with midst struggles and loss when facing those who really are blissfully unaware (& that isn't necessarily a bad thing either). :)

Teased

Still no period, symptoms still going & my temps rising (today higher than any other). It's hard not to wonder if I'm one of those rare lucky women who wait days into a missed period before testing positive. I can't help but wonder & with my period still MIA I don't want to risk anything just in case. But this just in case business is driving me insane, if I am pregnant then I want to know but if I'm not why drag this on, why make me wonder about the possible little one.

I feel pregnant, sometimes barely but I honestly feel pregnant. Its making me crazy and I keep trying to hold down my hopes – this isn't the first time my period has gone haywire. Its just a matter of time before it shows up, hopefully sooner rather than later but who really knows anymore with my body.

Work is a giant, ugly tease. I'm a photographer, a family photographer and I know going to work means I'll be capturing some wonderful memories for these families. I love that about my job, I honestly do, but it gets really tough seeing all these families (or pregnant women, or small children ect.) & have to fight away my aching heart all while doing my job. What makes it a million times worse is when I have to deal with the type of parents that, to put it nicely, I don't agree with their “parenting”. Clearly I have no basis to put my ideas of parenting on, never having done so but a lot of things that I see in my studio (or at the front desk) I just can't agree with even when I'm so desperately trying to keep an open mind. Either way though, its hard.

Yesterday a mom, while her kid had a meltdown over our vacuum told me to never have kids. Yes, then she told her son, across my studio that he was making people not want to have kids – he was under three. I wanted so badly to tell her how much I've struggled, that for the last four years I've wanted what she so easily dismisses as a burden. It made my head spin, but instead I finished her order and sent her on her way. I absolutely couldn't believe it and while I know she has no idea who I am or how much I've struggled – heck to her I probably looked way too young to even be in the position that I am (people usually mistake me as a high school student) it shows how little people think before they speak.

I don't know anymore, at this point I'm just so tired of waiting.

A Bucket List

I do this every time we don't conceive, its my way of dealing with the disappointment and changing my focus. So I made a cute little Pre-Pregnancy Bucket List, to keep me a little more positive about not being pregnant. I actually saw one of my favorite bloggers put together something similar before she conceived so I pulled some inspiration from her to turn my usually simple to-do list into something a little nicer on the eyes.

(click to enlarge)

I also think it is worth mentioning my concerns surrounding the possibility of a December due date, had we been pregnant we would be looking at a 12/31/2012 due date. While Dyl and I discussed options and how we could get around the holidays between late pregnancy and a new born, I am relieved that I wont have to worry about dragging a newborn here and there in the middle of winter, at the height of cold & flu season. Pair our history with seeing first hand how sick newborns can get, you can call us paranoid or aware ;)

Along with newborn concerns, I couldn't help but wonder how I could possibly handle all the craziness of the holidays at the very end of a high risk pregnancy (Would I end up on bed rest? An emergency c-section? Early maternity leave? Etc) I have no problem pushing myself, that isn't something new but its a whole other world when pushing myself includes our little one.

I know all of this is very trivial, not one bit would truly matter if we were pregnant and I would happily trade each concern, inconvenience and deli meat sandwich for us to be expecting our little one right now. This is just a way for me to turn my disappointment into something positive for me, doesn't mean I'm not upset or that I wont be bitter this month but it'll help to look back at this entry and think “Okay, its not that bad I guess”

Heart Broken

Not Pregnant, might as well read as “Failure”

I couldn't believe it, I kept staring at the results, it had to have been wrong... maybe it will change. It hasn't changed, its not going to change. I guess that’s the plus side of buying the digital, its the day my period is due – there is little reason to question the results.

I'm just so disappointed, I was so confident that this was our month. Today, Dyl told me he was sad because he didn't want my period to come, he didn't want me to not be pregnant. Broke my heart. All I wanted to do was tell him we're pregnant when he came home from martial arts, instead he'll see right through me and know the test was negative. I thought at least, if it was negative, my breakdown last week would keep me from falling apart today, it hasn't.

Why? Ugh, my heart is so broken.

Then, as if the Not Pregnant wasn't enough WHERE IS MY PERIOD? Couldn't just show up on time, that way I wouldn't have wasted the money on another negative test, I wouldn't have spent the day analyzing symptoms and getting my hopes up. My period would be here and in 5 short days we could restart with a fresh cycle. Instead, no period and not pregnant. Great.

I'm increasingly looking forward to seeing my obstetrician in June/July maybe he'll have something for us, I'm going to have to commit to BBT charting again so I can at least have something to show him.

I just wanted it to be positive, I couldn't even imagine how magical it would have been to just see “Pregnant” instead.

I'm Down, in so many ways.

{ WARNING: Today is a bad day so this post isn't going to include the usual happy-go-lucky-Anne. Sorry }

Only a few days until my expected period but with my temps slowly dropping over the last few days it is as guaranteed as it can get that I'm not pregnant. I'm beyond disappointed and so frustrated with everything, today is going to be a rough day and I wish I wasn't working today because all I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry.

I just don't understand what went wrong, what is wrong with me? We did everything right and my chart looked perfect, instead its just another failure. Another month that we didn't conceive and I am having such a hard time with it, I was so optimistic for this month. Now I feel like a complete idiot for dreaming with Dyl about a December baby or how we'd surprise or families and friends. I feel so embarrassed that I have a little box ready to go in hopes of surprising him with our positive. Why is it so hard for us? (okay, us and all the other well deserving couples waiting for their babies) WHY? WHY? WHY? When anyone else can just “oops I'm pregnant” we're struggling so much. I just don't know what to do and I don't understand.

Another month where I'll get to watch my husband be a wonderful Uncle to the little ones that make me Aunty, there isn't a part of me that doesn't think he'll be an amazing Dad. Another month where I'll be silently taunted by the world around me, how everyone but me can have a baby without any effort. Another month knowing how wanted OUR baby is and having no way to bring that baby into this world – forget how badly I want this baby, my parents have been waiting so patiently for us to give them another grandchild, one that stays here. Another month where I'll be bitter and jealous, where I'll get snarky “how will you have a kid when you can't handle XYZ” when I know how different it'll be when it's MY BABY. I don't want to go to work, sit at the front desk and watch crappy parents treat their children badly, or even better deal with an appointment where I'm supposed to capture happy memories of a child who is going to grow up with some sort of complex because their parents have NO IDEA how to talk to a CHILD. Ugh, but no matter where I go I'm going to be taunted, I guess I'm used to that by now – nearly four years since loosing our sweet boy, its become almost second nature dealing with it but still, ugh.

I know there is always the chance we did conceive but at this point I'm not holding onto hope.
Sorry for the crappy update, I was really hoping this next post would include confetti, excitement and a positive pregnancy test. Oh well.

3 Months Down, 3 Months Off

Yepp, my period is here and there is no denying that I am most certainly not pregnant.

I kind of knew going into our third month on Clomid we wouldn't be successful, I kept holding out on this hope that we would get pregnant anyway but in the back of my mind I pretty much knew the likelihood was small. On September 17th my dear brother got married to a lovely girl who was practically my sister already, it was a beautiful day despite the massive amount of stress and I am so happy for them. None the less, I knew as the day got closer I had an ever growing pile of stress on my shoulders, this was the first month where I can barely remember thinking “am I pregnant?” We didn't have time to think about charting and I barely kept my eye out for ovulation signs. If this counts as the 'just relax and don't think about it' route, we weren't very successful anyway.

So here we are, three rounds of Clomid down and at least three months before we could attempt Clomid again. My obstetrician gave us the okay to try to conceive over the next few months, since there is no foreseeable reason for my lack of ovulation there is always the chance my body will restart once it comes down from the Clomid. Fingers crossed.

I thought I would be more upset about this, considering how poorly I took my periods arrival the past two months but I'm weirdly okay – we'll see how long that feeling sticks around.