Emotional TWW

It's been a tough cycle, this two week wait seems to be going so slowly and it's been tough. While a part of me is really optimistic (certain symptoms have me hopeful) I can't seem to take my mind away from preparing for another disappointment. I've wanted to test, actually I used one of the cheapies from early-pregnancy-tests.com (that came with the PreSeed we ordered) it came up negative but I have heard so many people saying they got false negatives from those ones and it was really early too. Can you tell I'm cautiously optimistic? I'm expecting to have my period show up or worst case scenario my period go awol again and that brings an even messier bunch of emotions to the table that I am not ready to deal with. I know I can get pregnant and I know that so many wonderful women go through the things that I have (or worse) and come out with a healthy baby - I know it is possible, I know it can happen for us, if I am feeling confident I can even go as far as saying that I believe it will happen for us. But after 3 years of negatives and disappointment it's hard to imagine it actually happening.

So I don't think this happens to a lot of people, like some of the other things I have talked about in previous posts, but this last cycle I've had something interesting said to me:

"Do you have a baby in your belly Auntie?" My 3 year old nephew has asked me multiple times now, also asking specifically if I have a girl baby in my belly. Obviously I don't think he is being malicious, he has no idea that we are trying or that I was even pregnant last year (I can't comprehend explaining to someone so innocent that sometimes babies die). However, he is about to become a big brother this summer so he knows his mom has his baby brother in her belly but I'm not sure why he has singled me out, to my knowledge he hasn't asked anyone else (except Dyl once haha) and it leaves me with some difficult feelings...

I want to giggle, with everyone else, that he is predicting the near future - maybe I will be pregnant this cycle... maybe it will even be a girl? But for the most part it makes me sad, I would be about 32 weeks if I hadn't miscarried last October, I should be pregnant right now and preparing for our little May baby but instead I lost my baby and I'm empty again, hoping that we will get pregnant again soon."I wish" sometimes slips out, sometimes it's "soon, hopefully" oh how I pray I will be pregnant soon. Lucky for me, he is 3 and moves on quickly.

I think I am just getting tired of waiting, it's my mood lately - I have been so emotional this cycle and I know that is affecting my perspective on things (my poor husband...), ugh I'm just so ready to be a Mom.

xo, Anne.