Answers

When we first started on this journey my obstetrician cautiously suggested referring us to a fertility specialist, we hadn't found a reason why we were struggling so much and after a few failed rounds of Clomid it certainly wasn't a bad suggestion. But he also warned that because I was in my very early twenties when this began we would end up waiting a long time for that specialist appointment because "I still had lots of time".

It has been a long 8 years of being told we were healthy and that there was absolutely no reason why we were facing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Only now after seeing this fertility specialist being told that we have found answers, I do indeed have PCOS which is a hormone imbalance that causes infertility, among other health problems if left untreated. At the very begininng they suspected PCOS but after an ultrasound and bloodwork the idea got benched and I was moved into the unexplained infertility. We also discovered that what was believed to be a bicornuate uterus (and untreatable) is actually a uterine septum and although that is a big ugly problem it is treatable.

We have answers. We know why I have had so much trouble conceiving, why my ovulation and cycles are so unpredictable.

We now finally know why my babies have died (primarily the placental abruption causing my son's death) the miscarriage he couldn't confirm one way or another because "healthy normal women" experience a miscarriage or two but we also know that miscarriage is also very common with the uterine septum that I have. The ectopic pregnancy (my second pregnancy) was the fluke.

We now know why my babies have died.

What we don't know is how Lilly is here, healthy, safe and very much alive. She shouldn't be, my placenta should have torn away and likely would have but our cautiously scheduled c-section saved her life before my placenta had the chance to pull away. My placenta tore away when I reached 40 weeks with my son, he was 6lbs on the dot. When we discussed scheduling a c-section when I was pregnant with Lilly it was all about being precautious because we had no clue why my placenta tore away at 40 weeks, all we knew was that I wouldn't carry to 40 weeks. Lilly was delivered earlier and even that was filled with extra monitoring as we pushed her delivery from 37 weeks to 38 weeks to finally 38 weeks 5 days. How far can we keep her in while it is safe before the danger of another unexpected and previously unexplained placental abruption outweighed the benefits of her staying in. Yet my placenta held on, despite her being bigger than her brother, both in weight and height. I literally cannot handle the amount of miracles that went into her being here.

That is probably my only real regret that we didn't go sooner, that I didn't know sooner. Of course knowing all of this 8 years ago would have prevented a lot of heart ache - I absolutely cannot imagine loosing Lilly too. If we had pushed to be referred sooner would we have discovered these two big issues sooner? I'd imagine so and if we had then maybe Lilly's pregnancy wouldn't have been so complicated and risky. I also feel almost silly that I am finding out all of this out so we could (maybe.. hopefully) have one more baby. I don't want a big family like I once did, given all of our complications I am thrilled to be a momma to Lilly, and if she is our only I will love and celebrate her every chance I have. But I would like to give her a sibling here on earth too. It hurts my heart to no end when I see her with every other child she comes into contact with that have siblings and she is alone - just her brother in heaven.

We have answers, we now have a plan.

Talk to you soon, Anne.

Happy Mothers Day

My journey to motherhood hasn't been simple, but if there is one thing I can take from it is a deepened appreciation for motherhood - even on the worse days or the sleepless nights I am still so very blessed. I am lucky. This will never be something I take for granted.

The winding roads of my journey to motherhood also gifted me with a love for my fellow mothers, all mothers. So in honor of mothers day, I want to celebrate you and I want to remind you to celebrate yourself too.

No matter where you may be in your journey to motherhood, you are a mother. This is your day.

Happy mothers day.

xo, Anne.

Every Year

It begins without fail, October 28, our due date as the day passes by my mind replays the memories from years ago that lead up to the moment I became a mother to a sweet blonde boy with wings, a mother to an angel.

By now, 11:30pm I would have just pressed publish on a quick journal entry I wrote as a wave of gratitude washed over me. My due date was passing by quickly and I knew sometime soon we would get to hold and meet the little boy who made me mom. I felt so lucky, so blessed that we got so far, that he was healthy and that we would have our son.

I had no idea just hours later I would wake up in severe pain and soon hear the worst words a parent could hear.

October 29,2008 my world was changed forever.

xo, Anne

Two Pregnancies

Lots of parents do it, you'll see it on the blog and occasionally I may even bring it up among close family, but one of the things I have enjoyed doing while I was pregnant with Lilly and even now-a-days is fondly remember my pregnancy with our son and even compare the two pregnancies. To me it isn't a sad topic to think or even talk about, my pregnancy with our son is filled with some of the best memories I will ever have with him, it is one of the few ways that I can begin making a connection between my children, to me this is a very happy topic.

This is actually the first time I am sharing photos of my pregnancy with our sweet boy but also, sharing his name. An appropriate post as I make connections between our babies even though only Lillith is in my arms.

Although I carried similarly with both, very low, I showed a lot faster with my daughter. Some will say that is because this was a second pregnancy and my body was already stretched and knew what to do while it is also obvious that my body and weight too changed between the two. While our son spent majority of his time in my belly in the traditional position, our Lilly changed every week from transverse to frank breach and traditional breach, even head down near the end although always with her legs out in my ribs. Some will say that movements are so much stronger with boys but honestly I think it is just their personalities showing, maybe our little boy would've been the gentle, quiet one while our Lilly already can't wait to get moving.

Because I'm a fan of car rides (yes like a little kid) I always loved that our son would calm down during car rides while Lillith loved to wiggle and kick about at any time. We always speculated that our son would be one of those babies that a car ride was a guaranteed nap time while Lillith is hit or miss even when she is absolutely exhausted.

During the big anatomy ultrasound our sweet son was stubborn and shy, not letting us see he was a boy until a much later ultrasound while his little sister, although also terribly stubborn, had no problem letting us know she was a little girl. But both of them were often caught with a hand or arm stretched over their face which you can sometimes see their Daddy do when he falls asleep, although Lillith was often seen holding her hands at her chest or just below her face which she still does now.

A lot of people while wondering if their on team boy or team girl will ask about symptoms and differences people had with their pregnancies, hoping to get some sort of insight. I have seen people with completely different pregnancies have two of the same gender while I carried very similarly with both my son and my daughter - there are no hints here ;)

I craved a lot of the same things, all sorts of fruit and icey cold milk were favorites with both but my nausea was far worse with our daughter while the nausea I had while pregnant with our son was only really bad during the early weeks. Like I mentioned before, aside from showing earlier with Lilly I carried low and similarly with both pregnancies, but I found my back and hip pain far worse while pregnant with our son and my round ligament pains more frequent with our daughter.

Both of their fetal heart rates stayed above 140 bpm, a popular old wives tale that the above 140 bpm range meant a baby girl. But I do have to give a nod towards daughters stealing moms beauty, I wouldn't say I was ugly (because that is a horrible thing to say) but I know that I had some acne pop up and my hair was just not as cooperative (as much as curly hair ever is) when I was pregnant with Lilly but while carrying our son my hair was thick and soft, growing quickly and my skin was wonderful.

I could go on, it is just such a happy feeling to reminisce about our babies and a time where they were a part of me, while now they carry pieces of my heart with them.

xo, Anne.

Waiting for you..

Our journey to Lillith was far from the typical 9 months I carried her in my belly, it was months turned years of waiting and praying. Hoping and dreaming of our little baby, in August 2012 just after my last round of Clomid I had a dream that I would bring home a small dark haired baby girl. She was bundled up in pink and details of that dream were far from anything I could predict then. It was so vivid and so incredible, I believe I dreamt of her and Lord knows I needed it then, just months before my first positive pregnancy test in almost 3 years would end in miscarriage.

Who could have imagined that nine months after that dream, six months after that devastating miscarriage that I would be blessed with another positive test, this time without the Clomid just before we were about to give up. 

She's here, it has been such a challenging and difficult journey and I have had many dark days but holding her in my arms is amazing, there is light and there is hope.

xo, Anne.

Loss Resources

I have wanted to put together a quick resource list for the loss community, whether your loved one has lost their sweet baby or yourself has heard those devastating words "I'm sorry..." sometimes it can be really hard to find good, safe, places to turn to. 

These were, and still are sometimes, mine.

NILMDTS - or Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a non-profit organization that offers families suffering the loss of their baby high quality professional photos. Like I mentioned last week, having photos - even if it may sound so strange standing on the outside, is an incredible blessing. I didn't know about this organization when we lost our son but the more people that know about the more chances for it to fall into the hands of those who need it.

Still Standing Magazine - Still Standing is an online magazine that has a variety of writers and touch on subjects ranging from infertility to pregnancy and infant loss. 

Glow in the Woods - Glow in the Woods is another online magazine, another great variety of experiences written and shared, as I often found, in a very poetic fashion.

Faces of Loss - a personal favorite of mine, they welcome anyone to come and share your story. Each story is tagged in ways that you can follow if you're looking for someone closer to what you have experienced. They put real, honest, stories to faces and it is such an incredible way to be reminded that you are not alone. You're welcomed to share your own story, link with others in the loss community and break the silence that you are 1 in 4.

Etsy - I know Etsy is a huge website, and not exclusive to the loss community but by using the search bar it is so easy to come across a number of pregnancy and infant loss memorial items, from jewelry to artwork and more.

xo, Anne

Celebrating & Making Memories

Before I dive into this post I want to first apologize because my mind feels rambled and I don't know if that will reflect in this post but I hope not.

I think we often fall into this thought process that if we don't get attached, if we don't do things to celebrate and remember, if we don't get excited then it won't hurt if something devastating happens. Logically it sort of makes sense; if there are no pictures I won't be reminded, if there were no journals I would never be able to recall how I felt at that moment. But the reality of loss is that it hurts no matter what, the world is upside down and whether or not you have a couple sleepers to (eventually) pack away isn't going to make it easier or worse. Your baby isn't with you, nothing is going to make that worse to face.

When I was pregnant with Lillith I did a weekly pregnancy journal, taking photos and writing about the week and how I was feeling. Every week I fought back those same feelings - the nasty what if?. I took maternity photos shortly after finding out that our miracle was a little girl, despite the worries of the ultrasound or the uncertainty that comes from loosing our precious son. It was my way of celebrating now, celebrating my round belly and the love we already had for our little girl. It was my way of telling those thoughts that loom in the dark corners of my mind that right at that moment they had no power over me, a big proverbial screw you.

It's not that I didn't struggle with it, heck I still do, trying to balance happiness and daily life with the awareness that tomorrow cannot be guaranteed - for anyone really. But it is always there and because of that, and honestly because time moves so incredibly fast, I capture every moment I can, I soak in every day because it is all I can do in this mortal life.

During my pregnancy with our son I took monthly photos, I didn't journal as much - although I did do some, and my photos weren't nearly as extensive as they were when I was pregnant with Lilly. I am still so grateful and I have enjoyed comparing my belly from one pregnancy to the other, being able to read some of the differences between our sweet boy in heaven and our miracle daughter. I also love that I have a handful of similar photos of both our children, that I can look at their tiny newborn faces and see how they look alike and how they are different.

As parents of baby's in heaven, all we really want is for our children to be recognized and remembered, I have always been so grateful to those that say his name or don't shy away when I talk about both of my children. Having these photos, being able to have things that were just his, making a journal for both of my pregnancies helps me remember that I will always be a mother of two. He was real, he was here and this isn't a dark secret to be hidden away but a son, a sibling, to be celebrated and remembered just as those on earth.

This is a mess, I'm sorry for that, and I wanted to share more but I fear this is becoming too much and I will have to save that for another day.

xo, Anne. 

Sharing our story

I have struggled many times dodging questions about our children, I don't know if it is worse now "Is this your first?" or before "do you even want kids?"

Sometimes I share and am pleasantly surprised by their reaction, a few years ago I shared with a coworker-turned-friend and the reaction was filled with love and support. Other times this happens and I withdraw deeper into myself convinced that those who have never experienced such heartache would never understand anyway, which is really unfair to myself and also unfair to those whose kind hearts and open minds allow for a special level of understanding.

But how do you judge that?

I often feel like I'm living a double life as I talk openly about all of our children at home, with our families and within the loss/pregnancy community. But out and about I try to make quick judgement, does the cashier at the grocery store really need to know? How about the lady at church that I see every week? It's hard sometimes and sometimes the line blurs between what seems like two worlds and things like "with my son..."  comes up before I have a chance to stop it, then I'm left standing there stumbling over my words and their questions.

I recently experienced sharing our son's story with my dental assistant, as I gracefully answered her questions I assumed I would be met with "I'm sorry" which is probably among the best replies someone can give - I mean, I realize and understand how difficult it must be to hear our story, or stories like ours, what do you say? Instead she went on to talk about her own loss, she had suffered a missed miscarriage many years ago and danced so delicately around mine, as if she felt that I had gone through so much worse than her. Many times in the loss community I have heard "but I wasn't as far as you" and when you get to forty weeks pregnant there isn't many that get as far or farther than I did with our son but that isn't truly how I feel about others. I have known the heart ache of an early ultrasound showing no heartbeat when only weeks before there was life, just as I have delivered and held my otherwise perfect son knowing he would never come home with us. When I get the opportunity to support someone who has suffered the pain of loosing a child, I feel blessed to have this story - as much as I wish no one had to loose, including myself, but if there has to be a world where amazing parents have to say good bye to their children then I am, with a broken heart, glad to be able to give more than a hushed "I'm sorry". She was so gentle with me and I can't even describe how my heart ached for her, had someone made her feel this way before? Had she spent this much time feeling like she (in her own words) overreacted? I stopped her immediately, no, don't take away from your loss just because I have suffered differently. You were pregnant, you were excited and in love with your child just as I was, you went in expecting a happy ultrasound and instead heard the worst thing a mother can hear. Please don't take away from yourself like that. We continued to talk and share our experiences, in ways that I'm sure neither of us often get to, by the end of my appointment my heart was so full. Like I said before, if this was how it had to be for me, with my son in heaven and everything else we had suffered through then I am blessed to be a beacon of hope and love to those that need it.

What if I hadn't shared with her? What if I quietly told her that our sweet Lilly was my only child and left it at that. Not only would I have taken away that experience from myself but I would also take away that brief moment where that woman could talk about her three children and not just the two seen in pictures. 

I have six years of "experience" and to be completely honest I still have difficulty trying to find a happy medium between when to share and when not to share. I wish there was a way to be marked for all to see, a way for those who can't handle it to look the other way while welcoming those who can or need it. Unfortunately I am learning that the only way to do so is by sharing, not that I always do and sometimes I wish I hadn't when I did while other times I am so glad to be able to give comfort and peace to someone else or find someone who can recognize that all I really want is to be able to talk about my children without feeling like a horror story. 

I should close this before I get carried away, if you're reading this and looking for ways to support someone you know here I haphazardly wrote what I felt were some of the best ways to do so.

xo, Anne.

Best!

I have written a few times, in shock, the horrendous things people have said to me after my losses and struggles trying to conceive and I was going to put a handful of the worst together to make a post. Until I realized that there is enough attention given towards the bad and not nearly enough good so this is five of the most uplifting and wonderful things people have gracefully said to me.

1.  "Don't loose hope" - ER nurse

I was in a daze, having just learnt that my second pregnancy would have to end (it was ectopic and regardless it wasn't viable) I held so tightly onto her words.

2. "No one can truly understand how YOU feel" - my parents

In the real world I know very few that have suffered similar experiences so I often excuse my overly-anxious behavior with "I'm just crazy". The reality is that these things have changed me and being told that they understood as much as they could has always been a comfort.

3. "You're so brave, you're so strong" - dental assistant

She doesn't even know our whole story, I am brave and strong for facing the loss we have and being able and willing to do it all again to bring our daughter into this world.

4. ANY TIME I can say "my son..."

What a gift to be able to talk about our journey without feeling like a 'bad omen' or a 'horror story'.

5. ANYTIME anyone asks about our son

I have been surprised when people don't shy away. When people want to know about him, not just about the circumstances surrounding our struggles and losses.

Instead of remembering all the horrible, thoughtless and mean things people have said let us remember the positive. What are some of the best things you have been told?

xo, Anne

To: Angel Mommas

I may be holding my miracle, my rainbow baby, now but it wasn't always that way.

I was once there; days, weeks, months shortly after loosing our son, so devastated and so heart broken. I looked for others like me and I remember feeling so very defeated when I'd read "it never gets better" because Lord, I needed it to get a little bit better. I needed to be able to survive in this world. I read the words you write, I remember those feelings so vividly, that heart ache that no one but those like us can understand and the sadness watching others have what you so desperately wish you could experience.

I would be in the loss community and read things like "having your rainbow baby will make it easier" and I'd feel that much more trapped in my grief as we struggled for three years to conceive our miracle Lilly, loosing two more little ones along the way. I'd read things like that and wonder if I would ever be happy again if we never had our rainbow baby - the truth is yes, yes I could and while it is an incredible experience to finally hold our little miracle and finally have her here. I did find small ways to be happy.

The truth is, it will never go away. You are always going to miss your child, there will always be one (or three..) missing. You'll remember their due dates and their birth dates, you'll recount happier moments of your time together, you'll do the same with the sad and difficult ones too. Every October 28th I begin to recall every moment leading up to his birth, that was his due date and the next day he was born silent. I pause every time I see a mother with four children, I count out their ages and wonder if that would've been us.

our sweet boy's special ornament and his precious prints in the background

Our son, would be 6 years old, he would be in school - he would be so big now. A little one lost to ectopic, he or she would've been 4 years old in November. The baby we lost to miscarriage, he or she would be considered Irish twins with our miracle Lilly. I would have my hands very full if they were all here, I would have my hands full if even just our son was here with us. I see older siblings with the baby of their family and wonder if our son would've been that way with his little baby sister. I picture him here with us all the time, his thin frame just like his daddy and his beautiful blonde curls.

That will never go away, in some ways I'm glad because I know without a doubt how much I loved our babies - no matter how much time we had together in this world, they were here - that ache in my heart tells me how real it was. But you'll laugh again, you'll be able to think and talk about your angel without crumbling at the seams. You'll also think or talk about them and cry, and that is normal.

together at a pregnancy & infant loss awareness event 2010

It is also okay to not feel okay, to feel sad and angry, to miss your baby. You are allowed to feel this way, no matter what the circumstances of your loss or the amount of time you had together. You are a mother, you are a father. your baby isn't here and that is still wrong. It is normal to feel the way you're feeling but please, know it will get easier. Not right away, never 100%, but you'll get to a point where it won't be as hard.

If you do have your rainbow baby, it is truly an incredible experience, words can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to be her mom. Not a day goes by that I am not absolutely grateful that I get to hold her and love her.

I'm going to close this, to avoid me repeating myself, but know you're not alone and I think of you, I pray for you.

Don't loose hope.

xo, Anne

Top 5 Pregnancy Needs

If I were to go through my pregnancy again I would have probably given into maternity clothes sooner or maybe opted for a true pregnancy pillow. But when it comes to my pregnancy there were a handful of things that I couldn't have survived without and that definitely helped me relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I had a very high risk pregnancy, ugly history of loss and was on some sort of bed rest the entire time, although it was absolutely worth it and I would gladly do it all over again just to have her in my arms - sometimes it was really hard. These are my top five life savers, or at least sanity savers.

1. My amazing husband, from listening to my every worry to bonding with our baby girl long before she was born. Many worried trips to the hospital and lots of prayers - I could not have survived without the understanding, support and love from my husband.

Check out my weekly photo project here

2. A pregnancy project, I did a pretty big one consisting of three different photos every week and a big update but I love being able to look back and remember how I felt at 9 weeks or what we were doing at 32 weeks. I can't count the number of days I spent scared out of my mind but this project helped me focus on the positive and the right here and now. For a little moment each week I focused on being pregnant today and stopped focusing on those terrible "what ifs".

3. My doppler, this is very much the kind of item that you need to decide what is best for your family. For me it was a life saver, I got mine here for $50 and they've since released newer versions but even my basic one was great. I spoke with my ob several times and he was very supportive of my use of our doppler but I still tried to limit it to a need basis. Sometimes that was often and other times I could get through a few days, but because of the loss of our son - I was on edge from beginning to end, this was my little bit of sanity. Without having to run to my ob or the hospital every day, if I was scared all it took was 30 seconds to find her heartbeat and time it, pretty quick form of relief.

Check out their channels: Missy Lanning and Heidi Kim

4. Netflix/YouTube, both were great ways to spend my days on bed rest. I could load up a show or movie on Netflix and keep my mind away from the worries but I especially loved having the YouTube community as a mom pregnant after loss. I can't even count the number of times I watched Missy and Heidi, telling myself that they did it - they went through losses like mine and have their rainbows, it was possible. I found so much hope through their stories :)

Keep your eyes out for a review on my favorite pregnancy/baby apps in the near future!

5. Some sort of pregnancy app, specifically one with a forum. Not only was it great to be able to read and track what was going on while pregnant, being in community of women (and some men) expecting baby's in the same month as you was a great experience for me. From finding support from the other women to seeing just how 'normal' I really am despite the high worries. By the time I delivered Lilly I was involved in a handful of other communities with likeminded women; like crafting and c-section mommas for example.

I also want to throw in having an incredible obstetrician, he has followed us from the very beginning of our journey to baby number two, having our ob so supportive and so understanding of my history and how I am - was amazing, I'm very lucky.

Anywho, these things are definitely individually based, very much a this is what worked for me but when you're going into the stress of high risk pregnancy or pregnancy after loss - it is kind of nice to hear about what worked for others.

xo, Anne

No Nursery Yet?

As project nursery commences both in real life and on the blog some may wonder why we are just starting now, I mean our daughter is four months old after all and considering it is common practice for moms to prepare the nursery while pregnant (most starting shortly after the big 20 week ultrasound), by those standards I'm getting at this pretty late in the game. Although it is far from unheard of, there is a much smaller group of parents that forgo the nursery preparations until after the baby is born - similarly to those who skip the baby shower for a meet & greet upon baby's arrival.

When I was pregnant with Lilly I would get excited to buy things, to get ready for her but then the "what if" reel would play on in my mind. It was so bad that almost every time we would buy something I was terrified that we'd loose her. Even if I heard her heartbeat that morning, saw her on ultrasound the day before or felt her kicking right there. I was so scared, as if buying an outfit would somehow decide whether or not my body could carry this pregnancy. It made no sense but I could only see preparing the nursery as a bad experience while pregnant and I deserved to enjoy my pregnancy - and every bit of it that I could.

I know that my anxiety with her nursery (among other things) stemmed from our history, once you've lost a child things change. We lost our son at forty weeks pregnant, the day after his due date, his nursery was done when we left to go to the hospital that morning. But instead of the happy homecoming I envisioned, his bright blue room sat empty, dark and silent for months until we packed everything away. I know there are angel moms who yearn for that, just to have something tangible that proves their baby was here, I don't regret that (this is quickly turning into a whole other post) but for the sake of my sanity I was glad to hold off on the nursery.

Also between our renovations and being on some level of bed rest my entire pregnancy, it kind of forced me to stay out of the nursery and I love that I am now able to enjoy it, I am able to participate in preparing her nursery and I have already tweaked our nursery plans to include things that make her happy - which I would be reluctant to do, the way that I'm doing it, if we had already finished her nursery.

I can't wait to start painting, sewing and get this little lady's room done!

xo, Anne

As if I should be Grateful? What?

"At least you can relax, you don't have a kid to take care of"

 

My first trimester has been difficult, with all day nausea and the nature of my high risk label putting me on reduced activity from my obstetrician and family/hubby ordered bed rest - I have spent a lot of this pregnancy propped up on pillows doing whatever I can to relax and keep my mind away from the negative things that hang in the dark corners of my mind.

 

The other day, after violently throwing up my lunch, someone told me this, someone who not only is aware of our son but had been there while we struggled through our infertility and the early losses. This kind of statement would be okay from the unaware-but-trying-to-be-nice lady at the store, or the doctors office, even the bank - that I could forgive, simply blissful ignorance. But from someone who knows what we've come through, someone who can hold her children here and completely ignore everything that can go wrong because it hasn't happened to her. I can't forgive, there are so many things that as a parent to a child in heaven we have to hear; I've been told that I need to "move on" as if it was that easy to forget my son, that my husband "should find another wife" as if my fertility was the only thing my husband married me for. I have had people dig through my darkest experiences in sheer curiosity then shrug it off while I try to pull together the shreds of my grief and struggle. I have had people tell me to wait to have another child, because I had the chance, to do something different with my life, as if I could suddenly erase the 40 weeks I spent loving and preparing for my baby, 40 weeks of being a mother to a little boy that I would never hold. I've had people "offer" me their kids or tell me how lucky I am because I can sleep in ect - because I wouldn't trade everything I have to wake up every morning to my son's sweet smile, to instead have him cry for me.

 

I've heard a lot as a mother to an angel, but the absolute ignorance in her comment has hit me harder than most - I presume because I once confided a lot of my darkest in her. I couldn't even react, even now I can't get her comment out of my head and I wonder if other people dwell on the things they've said the same way I do.

As if I should be grateful that I don't have a child, that my little blonde boy isn't here, so I can just relax.

 

The thing is, I do have a child and I am a mother. My first pregnancy was real, my son was here and the trauma from my labor and delivery have scarred me both physically and emotionally. I have enough to take care of and although I would wish it all away if it meant that little blonde boy was here I can't.

 

I would do anything if it meant he was here; trying to find ways to work with my reduced activity and bed rest to keep him entertained and happy, just like so many mothers that have children here while high risk, teaching and preparing him to be the amazing big brother that I know our angel would be. I would do anything to be planning ways to make him feel involved with his little brother or sister during my pregnancy, ways to include him and make the day he would've met this baby special for him. I would do anything to hear my sweet little blonde boy, we would've been almost five years old now, talk excitedly about the baby brother or sister growing in his Mommy's tummy. I would do anything to have such a little trivial thing like balancing my doctor ordered reduced activity with an active child but I can't, I don't even get that chance and I HATE it. I hate that I can't have him here, I hate that instead I have to look forward to the day my little family is reunited in heaven, in the Lord's time and not mine. I hate that instead this is my life, that my life is without my son and instead of watching in wonder of the amazing big brother our sweet boy would've been I have to plan how I will teach this baby about their big brother, instead I will have to find ways to celebrate their big brother without causing them to fear death as the monster that took their big brother away.

 

But at least I can just relax, I'm clearly foolish to not be grateful that I am not "burdened" with a living, thriving child. Right, quite possibly the worst thing I have ever been told in the 5 years that I have spent aching for my little blonde boy.

Although I know that when we get to meet our rainbow baby in February that my grief and that ache will change - it will never go away & this life, with one child in heaven and one in my arms, will always be mine. If this is how it has to be, I will take it - because having had our son even if only for the short time we did, is better than never having the chance to love him. But that doesn't mean I should somehow be grateful for the supposed ease I have through this pregnancy without him here.

xo, Anne.

Post #100

This officially is blog post 100 so instead of rambling about my emotions (they are still pretty messy) or my cycle (it's still the same) I want to reflect on what getting to one hundred posts meant for my little blog.

I wrote my very first post on May 27th, 2011 minus one week and we are exactly two years since I pressed publish for the first time and I find this milestone along with the timing very entertaining because just like two years ago I am waiting to meet with my obstetrician in early June, however this time I am a little less anxious. I am also entertained with the fact that 105 weeks have passed since my first blog post, if I started writing weekly from the very beginning I would only have five more than I do now - I feel like I was writing far more sporadically than that. 

A lot has changed since that first post; I did get pregnant, breaking up the now 3+ years that we have been on this journey - sadly it ended in a miscarriage but to know that I can still get pregnant is a huge step when I had spent years up until then convinced that it may never happen for us again. My cycles are now (fingers crossed that it stays that way) regular again, and that is a huge relief to know that my body is working properly because what is even worse than a negative test or your period showing up when you were so sure you were is it not showing up but you're not pregnant either - to say that I am relieved is an understatement because I know how lucky I am for it to be regular right now. The blog has changed a bit too, I used to write randomly and mostly just to keep track of where we were in our crazy ttc journey but this year I wanted more and started writing weekly and including things that I would have censored before because "it could make someone uncomfortable" this year that went out the window and I have enjoyed being open and honest about my journey, I know I try to stay positive and hopeful but this whole ttc thing is hard and to be able to come to the blog and let it out has been a good thing for me. I've also reworked the look of the blog a bit, added a few useful pages (ttc abbreviations on the side bar, a break down of our ttc journey at the top and a good About Us page too) and I have so much more planned as we begin the next one hundred posts.

Giving myself a little pat on the back for making it to 100 and I hope that the next 100 (and beyond!) is only better than the last, and I have a feeling it will be!

xo, Anne.

An Unexpected Break

Last weekend I cried over the fact that my sweet husband, while I played across the room with our 3 year old niece, gushed that I will be a wonderful Mom. It wasn't because I don't hear such things, over the last three years we have been very open about our struggles trying and have both received on numerous occasions what I consider the biggest compliment “you're going to be an amazing Mom/Dad” from our loved ones but it melted my heart to find out that my husband felt so strongly about me like that to share his feelings. I have struggled so much in the past seeing Dyl be this amazing Uncle to our nieces and nephews and feel unable to give him the baby he is so obviously ready for, there isn't a part of me that doesn't believe in that he will be a wonderful Dad. I know we are both so ready to begin this chapter in our lives, I know we are ready to become parents here in this world and I pray that we will soon see an end to this proverbial storm in the coming months.

Anyway, onto a little cycle update? Although we intended to continue to actively ttc this cycle, we seem to have taken a break and I can't say I am disappointed with that. It has been such a difficult month for me and I can't imagine adding in the stress and pressure of actively trying or the inevitable break down over another negative test when I am already trying to dig myself out of the mess of emotions that came with May 2013. So I am somewhere in my two week wait, my next cycle is due June 2^nd and we see my obstetrician on the 4^th, I am eager to see what this will mean for my next cycle and what July could possibly hold for us (PLEASE BE A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST PLEASE!).

xo, Anne.

Today

Today was our due date, 40 weeks ago I took Clomid, my forth and worst round, praying that every side effect would be worth it and 3 weeks later I knew it was because we were pregnant. Suddenly every month that we didn't conceive, every doctor appointment and test that I had done was worth it because we were finally pregnant. There was so many emotions with that positive pregnancy test; I was so happy but I was also afraid of everything that could come, for so long our only real focus was getting pregnant but all those worries were suddenly very possible and very real. We prayed so much, learning to love this baby for every day that we got with him or her and knowing that every day was a blessing. I was in love from the moment that test turned positive, I read every week in awe of the development our little baby made, knowing and loving the precious little miracle we had. At ten weeks pregnant we found out our baby was gone, how my heart broke and I honestly had no idea how much it would truly hurt to loose him or her. My heart aches for this baby but I know that someday we will understand the Lord's plan for us, and I know that we will get the chance to hold and love this baby one day too. I know that if this little baby is done in this world that he or she will be with his or her big brother and as they watch over us from heaven I know they are in good hands. 

So here we are at what would have been our due date and I am faced with a mixture of emotions; my heart is heavy with the memories of happier dreams of what today should have been but as I work through the wreckage of my aching heart, I know that as this day passes it will provide another bit of closure to the grief of loosing this sweet little baby.

Rest in peace, my sweet little love. I miss you so dearly.

May 2013

April became May last week, a month that I once looked forward to with sheer excitement I now dreaded and as the month began the realization that all of those dreams and hopes were obviously not going to happen. More than any other day in the last 6 months since my miscarriage have I been so aware of where we would have been. Some of the girls from my due date group have already delivered and I can't help but picture how different things would have been, even if I hadn't delivered yet it isn't difficult to imagine how my body would have been and what we would have been doing in preparation for our May baby. When that test turned positive I couldn't wait for May 2013 to come, dreaming of the final days before our baby would be here, instead I welcomed May with a broken heart and a heavy break down. I spent most of the day crying and laying down on the floor, my heart heavy with the knowledge that our baby should have been here and with the sadness that I wasn't pregnant again by now, with my cycle still MIA I had no idea when that would even be possible. I felt so completely defeated, however the day passed and while it is still so hard to know that we would have been so close by now the heaviness in my heart has lifted some and I am trying to keep my mind distracted as our would've been due date approaches.

The next day my cycle started, four days late, I didn't want to jinx myself with hopes that this would happen and instead prepared my mind for a no-show cycle, but I am very happy that I was only a few days late - that is still normal. But during CD1 I am very hesitant to get excited (yeah, I get excited over a regular period at this point, ugh) and ever since the ectopic pregnancy I don't always trust that my period is indeed my period because I have bled for other reasons before, so I watch hoping that it will follow the regular pains and heaviness that I usually experience. Today is cycle day five and things are starting to wind down, as another ttc cycle begins we have decided to continue trying on our own for now (although I wont take anything off the table) and will not be adding anything just yet (ie. Clomid from my OB or trying any of ideas bounced around the ttc community). I will begin charting my temps again and am considering trying my ovulation kit but not too sure if I will, other than that we will be keeping up our healthly eating and activity levels – as always, hoping this is our last cycle trying and that next month I am pregnant.

xo, Anne.

"I wasn't as far along"

After my stillbirth, a couple of friends approached me and quietly shared their pregnancy losses - miscarriages & early stillbirth, there weren't many of them but as I became part of this quiet club of mothers missing their babies I often heard "but I wasn't as far as you" and at the time I accepted that this pain was my own - no one I knew had experienced the loss that I had. In ignorance I half believed that while the pain of loosing a baby is unbearable and nothing no parent should endure - if I managed to escape the heavy beating that my aching heart took while I grieved my stillborn son then anyone that "wasn't as far along" as me would be okay. I quickly began to turn that idea around as I spent time on the forums around wonderful women who had experienced losses all over the board; from early to late pregnancy and infancy, I soon realized that the length of time wasn't nearly as important as the level of attachment. Not that I have ever thought  that the agony of loosing a baby is any less for those parents because of how far along they were nor have I ever believed that someone who seemed to grieve faster or easier didn't love their baby, everyone grieves differently and that is just part of the process.

However, it wasn't until my own miscarriage that I fully understood how heavy that pain is regardless of how long that baby was here. I was only ten weeks, a mere quarter of the time I had spent pregnant with our son and I remember on the way to that last ultrasound trying to prepare for bad news. I imagined being upset, after all I knew how much my heart already loved this baby, but my second pregnancy ended in an early loss and while that too made me sad, everything happened so quickly that I never got the chance to fall in love, that pain just couldn't compare to that of loosing our son. But nothing could have prepared me for the agonizing pain as the doctor told me we had lost our baby, my heart was so broken and I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I grieved for the little baby that I loved, surprised by how much I was aching despite having only carried him/her for a fraction of the time I did our son, but there was this part of me that wished I had more for this one. With our son, we delivered him, held him tightly as we memorized his little face and there are keepsakes that will always be his. We had a memorial for our son, a vague sense of closure as we gathered with loved ones to remember our little boy. When we were first told that our son was gone, I was angry and frustrated that the Lord would put us and my body through all of this for seemingly nothing - I wouldn't get my baby anyway, if he had to go back to heaven why didn't I loose him before my heart had the chance to love him? I was so hurt that the Lord seemed to have abandoned ship, was there even a plan?. But the moment I held our precious son I was grateful, as I still am, for every day that I got with him. I got forty weeks of memories, of having him kick and wiggle as he heard us talk to him, of dreams and hopes that we had imagined for the little boy that grew in my belly, I am grateful for every day that I got with him and if I had to loose him then I knew how blessed I was with the time that I had with him. But with my miscarriage I have a few notes and pictures that I connect to it but other than that, the procedure was quick and disconnected from the fact that my baby was being taken away from me (& I understand the necessity to that disconnection which is why I fought my mind hard to keep that thought away during the procedure), there was obviously no memorial and even now I wonder what may be the best way to memorialize that little baby of ours. I'll never know if that baby was a boy or a girl, with only a tiny blur of an ultrasound I can't imagine what he or she looked like and so there if very little in comparison that I can put away to remember that little May baby of ours. However despite the differences between them, there is a glaring similarity, that love I felt for those two babies was more than I could have ever imagined and that will never change.

I have experienced three very different losses, in that time I have become so aware of the pain and ache that accompanies these losses but if this is part of the plan for me then I am glad to know that my aching heart and empty arms have given me the awareness needed to comfort and help other women. I remember our Bishop visiting us a day or so after we left the hospital without our precious little boy - I remember him telling me that this grief would turn around and that soon I would be there for another mother in the midst of this terrible grief and he has been so right. I have found many women through the online communities that I have virtually sat beside, praying for their hearts to be comforted and praying for their precious babies. It is that same thought that goes through my mind as I write this blog, not every post and not always but I hope that as this blog continues to grow that someone who needs comfort and understanding will find that here. I know that there is a plan, and I know that our babies watch over us and with the knowledge that I am their mom and that I will have the chance to hold them again someday I am grateful for every moment I got with them in this lifetime. I will always dream of more, with our son and with our early losses but I know - without any bit of doubt, that it is not the length of time that we spend with our babies that matters but the extent of attachment and love we feel for them that makes the difference in how we grieve and remember them.

I have felt so strongly of this subject since our miscarriage, and the early days after when I told one angel mom that her grief wasn't any less than mine because of how far along I was with our son when we lost him. I remember how much she seemed to appreciate knowing that her grief was just as real, so I hope that this post isn't too rediculously long winded - definitely helped me to write it out. :)

xo, Anne.

Cycle Emotions

We are on cycle 4 of ttc since our miscarriage last October (or cycle 38 since we started this journey) and first I want to say that I can't believe we have been trying than long - thirty eight long months of waiting and wishing, negative tests and disappointment, thirty eight months. My temps are confusing me a little, in theory I ovulated last Friday but I'll have to see how the temps are in the coming days. Regardless I'm not feeling too hopeful for this cycle, I'm not even sure why as we've obviously been doing our part and I've been adding some pregnancy super foods to the diet along with the constant prenatal vitamin - there is always a little hope but I don't feel as good about it this month compared to others. If I am not pregnant, my next cycle should start on the 28th and ugh I'm starting to feel really desperate to be pregnant - I'm terrified the ticking clock on my regular cycles will run out and  when I miscarried I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before the due date came. I was due May 13th, as April continues to trickle by I can't help imaging how different our lives would be if I hadn't miscarried. My heart is so broken knowing that we are still so far away from that happiness and I'm not sure how I am going to keep it together when May arrives and I am not only without our baby but not pregnant either.

I've been such a complete mess this cycle, more than usual I have been thinking about our son - not that he ever leaves my mind but he isn't always in my thoughts this way. I have been thinking so much about the little man he would be now, 4 going on 5, preparing for school this fall, he would be tall and with me not working right now I can't stop thinking about what we would be doing together. I just can't wait to be wanted, you know the way mom is always best, when they could be sick or sad and only want mom and once she is there everything else is okay. I want that so badly it is tearing down the very walls I built around my heart to keep this pain in so quickly I can barely catch my breath. I just want to be a mom and not being a mom is really taking its toll on my emotions lately.

I have started to look into a few things that we may do differently next cycle - I'm not really putting high expectations into it but at the same time I've been reading up on a few things and feel like this is the right step to take before we consider going back on Clomid. But I'll ride out this two week wait first and hopefully, all of the emotions and planning for next cycle won't matter because we will be pregnant (I can hope right, aha).

xo, Anne.

Hurricane Grief

"Does it ever get better?" I was so afraid that the grief would never lessen, that I would never escape the agony of those early days after loosing our son. Spending endless nights in tears until my body would give in to the inevitable sleep and days just trying to get by until I could safely hide away and cry, I couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of our baby. How desperately I wished I could wake up again that morning and end the day with our baby coming home with us. I remember searching forum after forum of women who had lost their babies, feeling so defeated when some would say that it never gets better or that it will only get better once you have your rainbow (a rainbow baby is a baby born after the proverbial "storm" of loosing a baby). But there were some, sprinkled in here and there, that said it'd get easier and they gave me hope.

I don't believe we just get used to the pain, maybe some, because I know I can be completely fine one day then have a complete breakdown the next that is so uncomfortably similar to those early days and I worry I won't get out this time - but I always do. I may not believe that we get completely used to it but I do believe that this pain does become easier to carry, after a while you are able to think about other things and even smile or laugh. The triggers to your breakdowns become fewer and while there are still some you know that it will pass just as the last breakdown did. It does get easier, sure in some ways it is hard for me to say that as I am processing my third loss but it has gotten better and if I were to compare the ache in my heart today to that of 5 months ago, 4 years ago I know I have come a long way.

So if you're midst the heavy downpour of the hurricane called grief I want to tell you to take it one day at a time, allow yourself the time to grieve and know that no one can tell you when you should "just get over it" because it doesn't work that way. When you can, try to find a way to remember and celebrate your baby - your baby was real, your baby was here. It'll be five years this October and I am only now just putting together a book about the nine months I carried our son and the brief time we had together, it's painful but it'll be worth it. Find support, your family and friends will try and know that they are doing the best they can but sometimes it is really good to have someone that has been through what you have, someone that understands. More than likely there is a support group in your area, there are wonderful women on the forums and a vast number of blogs or vlogs all over the web - I'm working on making a page for some of my favorites. October 15th is recognized in North America as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day and there are a number of events thrown around October in memory of the babies that didn't get to be here - I strongly suggest you find one, we drive 3 hours to go and due to work schedules have unfortunately missed a few years but it is such a rewarding experience, to have someone else say our son's name and a crowd of people pause and wait for his balloon to be released is an amazing feeling - we do the same for each other name, stopping and thinking of the little babies gone too soon, it's a heartbreaking but beautiful day. In all honesty, seek out the things that help you through the worst and figure out what works best for you - everyone grieves differently and you owe it to yourself to do whatever it is that is best for you but know that it does get easier.

xo, Anne.