Cycle Emotions

We are on cycle 4 of ttc since our miscarriage last October (or cycle 38 since we started this journey) and first I want to say that I can't believe we have been trying than long - thirty eight long months of waiting and wishing, negative tests and disappointment, thirty eight months. My temps are confusing me a little, in theory I ovulated last Friday but I'll have to see how the temps are in the coming days. Regardless I'm not feeling too hopeful for this cycle, I'm not even sure why as we've obviously been doing our part and I've been adding some pregnancy super foods to the diet along with the constant prenatal vitamin - there is always a little hope but I don't feel as good about it this month compared to others. If I am not pregnant, my next cycle should start on the 28th and ugh I'm starting to feel really desperate to be pregnant - I'm terrified the ticking clock on my regular cycles will run out and  when I miscarried I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before the due date came. I was due May 13th, as April continues to trickle by I can't help imaging how different our lives would be if I hadn't miscarried. My heart is so broken knowing that we are still so far away from that happiness and I'm not sure how I am going to keep it together when May arrives and I am not only without our baby but not pregnant either.

I've been such a complete mess this cycle, more than usual I have been thinking about our son - not that he ever leaves my mind but he isn't always in my thoughts this way. I have been thinking so much about the little man he would be now, 4 going on 5, preparing for school this fall, he would be tall and with me not working right now I can't stop thinking about what we would be doing together. I just can't wait to be wanted, you know the way mom is always best, when they could be sick or sad and only want mom and once she is there everything else is okay. I want that so badly it is tearing down the very walls I built around my heart to keep this pain in so quickly I can barely catch my breath. I just want to be a mom and not being a mom is really taking its toll on my emotions lately.

I have started to look into a few things that we may do differently next cycle - I'm not really putting high expectations into it but at the same time I've been reading up on a few things and feel like this is the right step to take before we consider going back on Clomid. But I'll ride out this two week wait first and hopefully, all of the emotions and planning for next cycle won't matter because we will be pregnant (I can hope right, aha).

xo, Anne.