Today

Today was our due date, 40 weeks ago I took Clomid, my forth and worst round, praying that every side effect would be worth it and 3 weeks later I knew it was because we were pregnant. Suddenly every month that we didn't conceive, every doctor appointment and test that I had done was worth it because we were finally pregnant. There was so many emotions with that positive pregnancy test; I was so happy but I was also afraid of everything that could come, for so long our only real focus was getting pregnant but all those worries were suddenly very possible and very real. We prayed so much, learning to love this baby for every day that we got with him or her and knowing that every day was a blessing. I was in love from the moment that test turned positive, I read every week in awe of the development our little baby made, knowing and loving the precious little miracle we had. At ten weeks pregnant we found out our baby was gone, how my heart broke and I honestly had no idea how much it would truly hurt to loose him or her. My heart aches for this baby but I know that someday we will understand the Lord's plan for us, and I know that we will get the chance to hold and love this baby one day too. I know that if this little baby is done in this world that he or she will be with his or her big brother and as they watch over us from heaven I know they are in good hands. 

So here we are at what would have been our due date and I am faced with a mixture of emotions; my heart is heavy with the memories of happier dreams of what today should have been but as I work through the wreckage of my aching heart, I know that as this day passes it will provide another bit of closure to the grief of loosing this sweet little baby.

Rest in peace, my sweet little love. I miss you so dearly.