May 2013

April became May last week, a month that I once looked forward to with sheer excitement I now dreaded and as the month began the realization that all of those dreams and hopes were obviously not going to happen. More than any other day in the last 6 months since my miscarriage have I been so aware of where we would have been. Some of the girls from my due date group have already delivered and I can't help but picture how different things would have been, even if I hadn't delivered yet it isn't difficult to imagine how my body would have been and what we would have been doing in preparation for our May baby. When that test turned positive I couldn't wait for May 2013 to come, dreaming of the final days before our baby would be here, instead I welcomed May with a broken heart and a heavy break down. I spent most of the day crying and laying down on the floor, my heart heavy with the knowledge that our baby should have been here and with the sadness that I wasn't pregnant again by now, with my cycle still MIA I had no idea when that would even be possible. I felt so completely defeated, however the day passed and while it is still so hard to know that we would have been so close by now the heaviness in my heart has lifted some and I am trying to keep my mind distracted as our would've been due date approaches.

The next day my cycle started, four days late, I didn't want to jinx myself with hopes that this would happen and instead prepared my mind for a no-show cycle, but I am very happy that I was only a few days late - that is still normal. But during CD1 I am very hesitant to get excited (yeah, I get excited over a regular period at this point, ugh) and ever since the ectopic pregnancy I don't always trust that my period is indeed my period because I have bled for other reasons before, so I watch hoping that it will follow the regular pains and heaviness that I usually experience. Today is cycle day five and things are starting to wind down, as another ttc cycle begins we have decided to continue trying on our own for now (although I wont take anything off the table) and will not be adding anything just yet (ie. Clomid from my OB or trying any of ideas bounced around the ttc community). I will begin charting my temps again and am considering trying my ovulation kit but not too sure if I will, other than that we will be keeping up our healthly eating and activity levels – as always, hoping this is our last cycle trying and that next month I am pregnant.

xo, Anne.