A Normal Uterus

Last Monday Dylan and I arrived at the hospital in the bleary early hours of the day to start the admitting process prior to my surgery later that morning, I wasn't anxious but I was restless and ready to be home with my daughter.

My fertility doctor would be performing a hysteroscopy to remove my uterine septum with a laparoscopy to get a clear visual on my fallopian tubes (as other tests couldn't confirm if there had been any damage from my ectopic pregnancy in 2010). The laparoscopy would also give him the advantage of a camera watching the top of my uterus while he removed the septum.

During my pre-op assessment the nurse recommended that I warn the anesthesiologist if I have had any reactions to anesthetic, which I have gotten nauseous in the past so I made sure to do that as the team prepped me in the operating room. I thought it was interesting that they numbed the section of my arm to insert the IV, because it honestly hurt just as much as inserting an IV had previously but maybe that had to do with location? I've usually had IVs in my hand and this was below my elbow on the inside of my arm. Anyways it wasn't long after the IV was in that I was covered with warm blankets and nodding off to sleep.

When I woke up in recovery my surgeon had been able to stop by and give me an update between his other surgeries; he told me that the surgery was very successful and that he believed he had been able to give me a normal uterine cavity and furthermore giving me the likelihood of a good outcome when I am able to get pregnant. He also told me that the septum in my uterus was not only very thick, as he had suspected from my SHG procedure but that it also extended from the top of my uterus all the way down to my cervix.  This large septum was dividing my uterus in half and because the septum doesn't have a proper blood supply if an embryo tried to implant on the septum it would likely miscarry. That was on top of the risks of placental abruption and still birth due to the severe restrictions from the septum. I am in absolute disbelief that it was that bad.

I continued to doze as I was monitored in recovery and then moved back into the surgical unit but when I woke up I was incredibly nauseated and very sore, trying to drink water only exacerbated the nausea and I threw up violently. The wonderful nurses gave me some anti-nausea medication through my IV and I tried to doze a bit more before I was eventually on my way home.

Talk to you soon, Anne.

I'm in surgery NOW!!

When this post goes live I will be in surgery, that's the interesting part - the surgery doesn't make me overly anxious. The surgery being so soon is just a bit strange for me to wrap my head around. I have spent 8 years being told that I had a bicornuate uterus that had no fixes, my infertility was unexplained, I had no answers for eight years and in this short time I am preparing for a surgery to fix the septum in my uterus that is actually the cause for my losses. It is just so surreal.

Because there is always the tiniest chance of complications from any surgery of course there is a mild worry, but I think what is really getting to me is that in 2015 my Dad went into a grueling 8 hour surgery at the same hospital, in the same surgical unit. My daughter was not even two and we played, colored, read books and went for walks while waiting with my Mom to hear news of my Dad's surgery. Now we're in 2018; my daughter is four years old, we're hoping for another little one to join our family and the reality of my fertility is completely different than what it was believed to be for so long. Although I have a supportive husband and our beautiful daughter it is really hard going into all of this without my parents - I know they're always with me, I know they're watching over all of us, but it isn't the same and it is hard not to feel a bit isolated in that.

As far as the actual surgery goes, I'm looking forward to being done? hahaha I just can't wait to be home with my Lilly-love, a cozy blanket and a yummy dinner.

Wish me luck xo
Anne

Answers

When we first started on this journey my obstetrician cautiously suggested referring us to a fertility specialist, we hadn't found a reason why we were struggling so much and after a few failed rounds of Clomid it certainly wasn't a bad suggestion. But he also warned that because I was in my very early twenties when this began we would end up waiting a long time for that specialist appointment because "I still had lots of time".

It has been a long 8 years of being told we were healthy and that there was absolutely no reason why we were facing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Only now after seeing this fertility specialist being told that we have found answers, I do indeed have PCOS which is a hormone imbalance that causes infertility, among other health problems if left untreated. At the very begininng they suspected PCOS but after an ultrasound and bloodwork the idea got benched and I was moved into the unexplained infertility. We also discovered that what was believed to be a bicornuate uterus (and untreatable) is actually a uterine septum and although that is a big ugly problem it is treatable.

We have answers. We know why I have had so much trouble conceiving, why my ovulation and cycles are so unpredictable.

We now finally know why my babies have died (primarily the placental abruption causing my son's death) the miscarriage he couldn't confirm one way or another because "healthy normal women" experience a miscarriage or two but we also know that miscarriage is also very common with the uterine septum that I have. The ectopic pregnancy (my second pregnancy) was the fluke.

We now know why my babies have died.

What we don't know is how Lilly is here, healthy, safe and very much alive. She shouldn't be, my placenta should have torn away and likely would have but our cautiously scheduled c-section saved her life before my placenta had the chance to pull away. My placenta tore away when I reached 40 weeks with my son, he was 6lbs on the dot. When we discussed scheduling a c-section when I was pregnant with Lilly it was all about being precautious because we had no clue why my placenta tore away at 40 weeks, all we knew was that I wouldn't carry to 40 weeks. Lilly was delivered earlier and even that was filled with extra monitoring as we pushed her delivery from 37 weeks to 38 weeks to finally 38 weeks 5 days. How far can we keep her in while it is safe before the danger of another unexpected and previously unexplained placental abruption outweighed the benefits of her staying in. Yet my placenta held on, despite her being bigger than her brother, both in weight and height. I literally cannot handle the amount of miracles that went into her being here.

That is probably my only real regret that we didn't go sooner, that I didn't know sooner. Of course knowing all of this 8 years ago would have prevented a lot of heart ache - I absolutely cannot imagine loosing Lilly too. If we had pushed to be referred sooner would we have discovered these two big issues sooner? I'd imagine so and if we had then maybe Lilly's pregnancy wouldn't have been so complicated and risky. I also feel almost silly that I am finding out all of this out so we could (maybe.. hopefully) have one more baby. I don't want a big family like I once did, given all of our complications I am thrilled to be a momma to Lilly, and if she is our only I will love and celebrate her every chance I have. But I would like to give her a sibling here on earth too. It hurts my heart to no end when I see her with every other child she comes into contact with that have siblings and she is alone - just her brother in heaven.

We have answers, we now have a plan.

Talk to you soon, Anne.

Investigating

How has it been 3 years since I wrote here, so much has happened and I feel kind of stuck on how to write all of it out.

Since reaching the two year mark of trying to conceive (again!) we have been referred to a fertility specialist. I don't know why I felt so deflated when we reached the two year mark, we struggled for years to get and stay pregnant before our Lilly-love was born. But I guess when my cycles returned after she weaned I assumed they would just stay regular and for a year and a half they did, aside from one cycle that went awol when my Dad passed away in November 2015. But that was just one, we were back to regular predictable monthly cycles until my Mom passed away November 2016 and it has been a mess ever since (I suppose in some ways so have I as I have navigated messy grief again). 

So we've been seeing the fertility specialist and it has been such an eye opener for me, I assumed after the investigations my obstetrician did in 2011 I would be left with "unexplained infertility" as we bumbled through fertility treatments again. But he looked over my history and scheduled us for all sorts of tests and investigative procedures, it felt like he wasn't just going to accept unexplained infertility without seeing it himself and I cannot appreciate that more.

Especially because we got answers.

Even if we hadn't it would have brought me some closure to know we looked everywhere to find a reason. But the fact that we found answers to why I have struggled to get and stay pregnant is incredible. I have cried so much in these last few weeks because even though it won't bring them back it means that all of these horrible things didn't happen because of "bad luck" or whatever, but because of a defect in my uterus and a disorder both of which wouldn't have been discovered when I was deemed "young and healthy".

I'll be back with more.

With love, Anne