Answers

When we first started on this journey my obstetrician cautiously suggested referring us to a fertility specialist, we hadn't found a reason why we were struggling so much and after a few failed rounds of Clomid it certainly wasn't a bad suggestion. But he also warned that because I was in my very early twenties when this began we would end up waiting a long time for that specialist appointment because "I still had lots of time".

It has been a long 8 years of being told we were healthy and that there was absolutely no reason why we were facing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Only now after seeing this fertility specialist being told that we have found answers, I do indeed have PCOS which is a hormone imbalance that causes infertility, among other health problems if left untreated. At the very begininng they suspected PCOS but after an ultrasound and bloodwork the idea got benched and I was moved into the unexplained infertility. We also discovered that what was believed to be a bicornuate uterus (and untreatable) is actually a uterine septum and although that is a big ugly problem it is treatable.

We have answers. We know why I have had so much trouble conceiving, why my ovulation and cycles are so unpredictable.

We now finally know why my babies have died (primarily the placental abruption causing my son's death) the miscarriage he couldn't confirm one way or another because "healthy normal women" experience a miscarriage or two but we also know that miscarriage is also very common with the uterine septum that I have. The ectopic pregnancy (my second pregnancy) was the fluke.

We now know why my babies have died.

What we don't know is how Lilly is here, healthy, safe and very much alive. She shouldn't be, my placenta should have torn away and likely would have but our cautiously scheduled c-section saved her life before my placenta had the chance to pull away. My placenta tore away when I reached 40 weeks with my son, he was 6lbs on the dot. When we discussed scheduling a c-section when I was pregnant with Lilly it was all about being precautious because we had no clue why my placenta tore away at 40 weeks, all we knew was that I wouldn't carry to 40 weeks. Lilly was delivered earlier and even that was filled with extra monitoring as we pushed her delivery from 37 weeks to 38 weeks to finally 38 weeks 5 days. How far can we keep her in while it is safe before the danger of another unexpected and previously unexplained placental abruption outweighed the benefits of her staying in. Yet my placenta held on, despite her being bigger than her brother, both in weight and height. I literally cannot handle the amount of miracles that went into her being here.

That is probably my only real regret that we didn't go sooner, that I didn't know sooner. Of course knowing all of this 8 years ago would have prevented a lot of heart ache - I absolutely cannot imagine loosing Lilly too. If we had pushed to be referred sooner would we have discovered these two big issues sooner? I'd imagine so and if we had then maybe Lilly's pregnancy wouldn't have been so complicated and risky. I also feel almost silly that I am finding out all of this out so we could (maybe.. hopefully) have one more baby. I don't want a big family like I once did, given all of our complications I am thrilled to be a momma to Lilly, and if she is our only I will love and celebrate her every chance I have. But I would like to give her a sibling here on earth too. It hurts my heart to no end when I see her with every other child she comes into contact with that have siblings and she is alone - just her brother in heaven.

We have answers, we now have a plan.

Talk to you soon, Anne.

Finding Out

Written June 3rd, 2013

I nearly threw up while I filled my plate with Chinese food last weekend, a usual favorite of mine and as the nausea hit me I started to wonder maybe? but after so many negative tests and months of disappointment it is hard to get excited over a possible symptom. Then my period was late, three days, and although I have been later in the past I was starting to feel anxious about my appointment with my obstetrician. I decided I needed some kind of indication, something to sway me one way or another, something to help me prepare for how my appointment would go.

I pulled out one of my digital opk tests, I know that this isn't always accurate and that while the ovulation (LH) hormone and the pregnancy (HCG) hormone were similar and a positive opk this late in my cycle could mean I was pregnant only a pregnancy test could confirm it. Maybe I am just one of those ladies that it works for because during my last pregnancy I would use my left over opk tests to get me through the early uncertainty and always got a positive. As I waited for a result I reminded myself that the results may not be correct but to use whatever it gave me to prepare for my appointment - clearly it would show negative and I could go into my appointment ready to discuss progesterone. To my surprise a smiley face appeared (I use the Clearblue digital, a smiley indicates a positive), my heart jumped to my throat and I tried to remind myself that this wasn't a confirmation.

With my legs trembling and my heart about to burst, I met Dyl on the couch and told him that I had taken an opk and that it showed a positive. As we tried to hold back our excitement we talked about what a positive opk could mean and decided to run to the store and pick up a couple of pregnancy tests. It was middle of the afternoon and while every bit of the ttc-veteran in me told me to wait until morning (because even if I was pregnant the hormones may be too diluted mid afternoon) I guzzled down a big glass of orange juice and waited impatiently for my body to tell me to go. A half hour later Dyl and I headed to the bathroom, this would be the first time I had ever taken a pregnancy test in front of him and I was embarrassed so he turned away while I did my part. Before I could even get the cap on I could see the second line appearing (second? hah it appeared first) as I put the test down and finished up Dyl turned and asked if we had to wait.

By then I was beaming and he could read through me that we weren't going to have to wait, I pulled up the test showing two bright pink lines and we hugged tightly. It was such a different experience having my sweet husband with me and while I am a bit sad that I didn't have an elaborate surprise ready for him like last time, I am happy that we are pregnant and that we were able to hug, giggle and be excited together as we found out.

So my last period was May 2nd, which means I am due February 6th 2014 but will probably deliver late January because of my history. I will be out of the first trimester at the end of July and begin my third trimester and the exciting countdown to our precious baby's arrival mid November.

We can't stop laughing at the irony that we literally took this month off and even considered taking next month off, although we weren't preventing there was also no effort made in trying; no temps, no charts, no attention to ovulation. You know how people tell you "just relax and you'll get pregnant" yeah, that would be me and while I am over the moon that I am pregnant I still understand that there are a lot of situations in the ttc world where "just relax" doesn't cut it. Regardless we have been absolutely overjoyed, discussing the due date and many, many happy little moments as we celebrate our little secret together. Oh we are so ready to be parents, I pray that this sweet little baby is meant to stay with us and we will finally see the end to the terrible storm of infertility and loss with our rainbow baby.

xo, Anne.

Post #100

This officially is blog post 100 so instead of rambling about my emotions (they are still pretty messy) or my cycle (it's still the same) I want to reflect on what getting to one hundred posts meant for my little blog.

I wrote my very first post on May 27th, 2011 minus one week and we are exactly two years since I pressed publish for the first time and I find this milestone along with the timing very entertaining because just like two years ago I am waiting to meet with my obstetrician in early June, however this time I am a little less anxious. I am also entertained with the fact that 105 weeks have passed since my first blog post, if I started writing weekly from the very beginning I would only have five more than I do now - I feel like I was writing far more sporadically than that. 

A lot has changed since that first post; I did get pregnant, breaking up the now 3+ years that we have been on this journey - sadly it ended in a miscarriage but to know that I can still get pregnant is a huge step when I had spent years up until then convinced that it may never happen for us again. My cycles are now (fingers crossed that it stays that way) regular again, and that is a huge relief to know that my body is working properly because what is even worse than a negative test or your period showing up when you were so sure you were is it not showing up but you're not pregnant either - to say that I am relieved is an understatement because I know how lucky I am for it to be regular right now. The blog has changed a bit too, I used to write randomly and mostly just to keep track of where we were in our crazy ttc journey but this year I wanted more and started writing weekly and including things that I would have censored before because "it could make someone uncomfortable" this year that went out the window and I have enjoyed being open and honest about my journey, I know I try to stay positive and hopeful but this whole ttc thing is hard and to be able to come to the blog and let it out has been a good thing for me. I've also reworked the look of the blog a bit, added a few useful pages (ttc abbreviations on the side bar, a break down of our ttc journey at the top and a good About Us page too) and I have so much more planned as we begin the next one hundred posts.

Giving myself a little pat on the back for making it to 100 and I hope that the next 100 (and beyond!) is only better than the last, and I have a feeling it will be!

xo, Anne.

An Unexpected Break

Last weekend I cried over the fact that my sweet husband, while I played across the room with our 3 year old niece, gushed that I will be a wonderful Mom. It wasn't because I don't hear such things, over the last three years we have been very open about our struggles trying and have both received on numerous occasions what I consider the biggest compliment “you're going to be an amazing Mom/Dad” from our loved ones but it melted my heart to find out that my husband felt so strongly about me like that to share his feelings. I have struggled so much in the past seeing Dyl be this amazing Uncle to our nieces and nephews and feel unable to give him the baby he is so obviously ready for, there isn't a part of me that doesn't believe in that he will be a wonderful Dad. I know we are both so ready to begin this chapter in our lives, I know we are ready to become parents here in this world and I pray that we will soon see an end to this proverbial storm in the coming months.

Anyway, onto a little cycle update? Although we intended to continue to actively ttc this cycle, we seem to have taken a break and I can't say I am disappointed with that. It has been such a difficult month for me and I can't imagine adding in the stress and pressure of actively trying or the inevitable break down over another negative test when I am already trying to dig myself out of the mess of emotions that came with May 2013. So I am somewhere in my two week wait, my next cycle is due June 2^nd and we see my obstetrician on the 4^th, I am eager to see what this will mean for my next cycle and what July could possibly hold for us (PLEASE BE A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST PLEASE!).

xo, Anne.

TTC Update - What's Next for Us?

This month has been a mess, even in the blog you can probably tell that my head has been all over the place. Do we try something new? Do we keep trying naturally? Do we go back to Clomid? Stop charting? Keep charting? I certainly feel all over the place. So I wanted to be honest with you and explain what has been going on in my head, aside from confusion.

I'm getting desperate, May was supposed to mean a new beginning, although we miscarried our little May baby, which was every sort of devastating, I was so sure that we would be pregnant again by now (I don't know, after over 2 years ttc, why I would think it would happen quickly this time?). Everything was (and still is) regular but as we are heading to 6 months without success I'm starting to feel defeated again. I know I am young and that there is still time but I feel like I am stuck in this middle ground. Not pursuing things because “if I get pregnant I can't do this”, not doing things because “I might be pregnant” and yet I keep holding onto the knowledge that Clomid worked last time so I can always try that again. But every month that passes I feel like a failure and it feels like I am wasting my time waiting since I'm not getting pregnant anyway. I know ultimately it will all be worth it, I know that everything we have come through will be worth it when we are holding our baby but this is still so hard to go month to month without any success.

So after spending the last month debating between trying Clomid, continuing naturally, and attempting things that bounce around the TTC community. We have decided to meet with my OB next month and go back on Clomid. We will be going back to the same dose that we got pregnant on last year and although I am nervous to go through the side effects that the double dose of Clomid did to me last year I am excited that it will work again and we might be pregnant. I also have to acknowledge that we may not get pregnant on Clomid again and that means waiting for the reproductive specialist to decide that I'm a priority which my OB warns may not happen for a while considering my age. It sucks thinking that this could mean putting actively trying to conceive behind me for a while, moving my focus away from becoming a Mom but at the same time it means I can move forward which I don't feel like I can right now.

We will still be trying this cycle, I see my OB on June 4^th and of course there is a chance we could be pregnant but I am preparing to go back to Clomid this summer. Interesting note, every time I have started Clomid it has been in the summer 2011, 2012 and now 2013. Hoping that we will have our 2014 baby one way or another!

xo, Anne.

May 2013

April became May last week, a month that I once looked forward to with sheer excitement I now dreaded and as the month began the realization that all of those dreams and hopes were obviously not going to happen. More than any other day in the last 6 months since my miscarriage have I been so aware of where we would have been. Some of the girls from my due date group have already delivered and I can't help but picture how different things would have been, even if I hadn't delivered yet it isn't difficult to imagine how my body would have been and what we would have been doing in preparation for our May baby. When that test turned positive I couldn't wait for May 2013 to come, dreaming of the final days before our baby would be here, instead I welcomed May with a broken heart and a heavy break down. I spent most of the day crying and laying down on the floor, my heart heavy with the knowledge that our baby should have been here and with the sadness that I wasn't pregnant again by now, with my cycle still MIA I had no idea when that would even be possible. I felt so completely defeated, however the day passed and while it is still so hard to know that we would have been so close by now the heaviness in my heart has lifted some and I am trying to keep my mind distracted as our would've been due date approaches.

The next day my cycle started, four days late, I didn't want to jinx myself with hopes that this would happen and instead prepared my mind for a no-show cycle, but I am very happy that I was only a few days late - that is still normal. But during CD1 I am very hesitant to get excited (yeah, I get excited over a regular period at this point, ugh) and ever since the ectopic pregnancy I don't always trust that my period is indeed my period because I have bled for other reasons before, so I watch hoping that it will follow the regular pains and heaviness that I usually experience. Today is cycle day five and things are starting to wind down, as another ttc cycle begins we have decided to continue trying on our own for now (although I wont take anything off the table) and will not be adding anything just yet (ie. Clomid from my OB or trying any of ideas bounced around the ttc community). I will begin charting my temps again and am considering trying my ovulation kit but not too sure if I will, other than that we will be keeping up our healthly eating and activity levels – as always, hoping this is our last cycle trying and that next month I am pregnant.

xo, Anne.

Cycle Update

So I sort of quit charting this cycle, while I like how much you can learn from charting and especially from your temps it is also kind of stressful for me. It usually lends to the monthly pregnancy suspicions, I obsess over the dates and compare them to when we did our part, then there is this whole other world of possible pregnancy symptoms. It just drives me insane sometimes, so after my temps got a little wonky around (suspected) ovulation I quit - which may not have been the best idea since my cycle is late now.

I took a test earlier in my cycle, it was negative but when my period didn't show up yesterday I started to over-analyze and it even had me up middle of the night thinking too much. So I pulled out that other test and still negative - boo. I know there are women that can be pregnant and not get a positive HPT but I've never had that before and my cycle has disappeared on me in the past so I am not holding my breath (hopefully it will stay that way though). I'm trying not to be too frustrated with it, trying not to stress myself out because it is still very early and maybe we are just going to be a little bit late - just hoping I don't have another 100+ day cycle because that is ridiculous.

I am a little excited at the possibility that my cycle is just moving weeks (it used to do that every so often, even when I was really regular) because my current cycle puts me at the beginning of the month for a potential due date but because of my history with the placental abruption I will more than likely deliver early and not in the birth month that the potential due date was in. Obviously that isn't a big deal but I kind of liked saying we're having a May baby because we were due mid May and even if we delivered early it would still be in May - I'll take our healthy baby whenever, due date doesn't matter it just makes me feel like something fun will come out of my cycle being late.

I'm just not sure how to feel about where things will go from here, as long as everything stays regular I don't need to attempt clomid. Clomid was an, if needed, option but if my period disappears for much longer it is going to be needed and I am not sure if I am really ready to feel like I need Clomid. But at the same time, I will be going back on the 100mg dose like last summer when I got pregnant with our last which makes me feel very hopeful that we will get pregnant again quickly and hopefully bring that baby home with us.

I am strangely not as emotional as I thought I would be - especially since this was the last cycle I could get pregnant before the May due date of our miscarriage but I am sure that will come too. I guess I am still sorting through my thoughts, hopefully everything will come together soon.

xo, Anne.

Cycle Emotions

We are on cycle 4 of ttc since our miscarriage last October (or cycle 38 since we started this journey) and first I want to say that I can't believe we have been trying than long - thirty eight long months of waiting and wishing, negative tests and disappointment, thirty eight months. My temps are confusing me a little, in theory I ovulated last Friday but I'll have to see how the temps are in the coming days. Regardless I'm not feeling too hopeful for this cycle, I'm not even sure why as we've obviously been doing our part and I've been adding some pregnancy super foods to the diet along with the constant prenatal vitamin - there is always a little hope but I don't feel as good about it this month compared to others. If I am not pregnant, my next cycle should start on the 28th and ugh I'm starting to feel really desperate to be pregnant - I'm terrified the ticking clock on my regular cycles will run out and  when I miscarried I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before the due date came. I was due May 13th, as April continues to trickle by I can't help imaging how different our lives would be if I hadn't miscarried. My heart is so broken knowing that we are still so far away from that happiness and I'm not sure how I am going to keep it together when May arrives and I am not only without our baby but not pregnant either.

I've been such a complete mess this cycle, more than usual I have been thinking about our son - not that he ever leaves my mind but he isn't always in my thoughts this way. I have been thinking so much about the little man he would be now, 4 going on 5, preparing for school this fall, he would be tall and with me not working right now I can't stop thinking about what we would be doing together. I just can't wait to be wanted, you know the way mom is always best, when they could be sick or sad and only want mom and once she is there everything else is okay. I want that so badly it is tearing down the very walls I built around my heart to keep this pain in so quickly I can barely catch my breath. I just want to be a mom and not being a mom is really taking its toll on my emotions lately.

I have started to look into a few things that we may do differently next cycle - I'm not really putting high expectations into it but at the same time I've been reading up on a few things and feel like this is the right step to take before we consider going back on Clomid. But I'll ride out this two week wait first and hopefully, all of the emotions and planning for next cycle won't matter because we will be pregnant (I can hope right, aha).

xo, Anne.

Easter & an Update

Just wanted to give a little update on my cycle and say Happy Easter; we've colored eggs with our little nieces and watched our little nephew hunt of Easter goodies. We were able to spend time soaking in our families and I am so grateful we were able to do that. The holidays are still hard for me, knowing how magical it is with children is a loud reminder of what I am missing out on but I'm doing what I can not to let that take away my day. Wishing everyone a Happy Easter, hoping the day may be gentle on the hearts of those missing loved ones (little or not) in heaven.

- - -

My period came right on time, I was able to avoid wasting money on a negative test (although Dyl ninja rolled over to the shelf to get me a box the day before my period came) and I am glad that it came on time. However I had a rough few days sorting through being grateful it was regular and being disappointed that  it came because I wasn't pregnant. Dealt with the usual feelings of defeat and wondering if we would ever be pregnant again, along with fighting off the bitter taste of envy and jealousy with so many people around me having children with no effort - it sucks. Not sure what else I can really do differently, I can pinpoint ovulation through my chart so at this point we're gambling with the odds. But I am feeling better, day 4 now and feeling hopeful for our next cycle, we have a 25% chance every month just like any other healthy couple so I'll keep hoping.

xo, Anne.

Feeling Indifferent

Big ol' negative, that's what the test said yesterday morning and while I know I am disappointed I am at a loss by how unaffected I am feeling. Last cycle I could barely keep it together long enough to get back into our bedroom, crying hysterically over that stupid negative test. Granted last month was our first cycle trying since our miscarriage and there were a lot of emotions mixed in as well. This time I tried to avoid the forum once the other girls started talking about symptoms and testing, which kept me from over thinking potential symptoms that I was noticing as well, I kept charting (although started much later then usual as I normally start at CD 6 and this time started CD12) but my chart was starting to indicate that my period was coming so I tried not to get too optimistic even though Dyl was picking out out-of-the-ordinary, potential, symptoms. I still tested early, should have waited, I got excited at the idea of Dyl being right and once I started to think about it I thought maybe he was. He wasn't, but I think it is beyond adorable that this time around he seems more involved in this whole trying to conceive process - which previously I would keep to myself.

However, I am still a little disappointed that we aren't pregnant considering at this point my cycles are regular, I am healthier than ever and I can pinpoint ovulation easily. I guess I just feel like there isn't much more we can do to increase our chances but I have to try to remember that normal couples actively trying to conceive only have a 25% chance each month, and right now we have as good a chance as the typical couple.

So, my period showed up this morning and there are a few things that I noticed this cycle that have me raising an eyebrow - my chart indicates that I ovulated on CD15 and my period is early, which gave me a 29 day cycle. No problems there but my cycles are normally 31 days long with ovulation on CD17, like I said it wasn't a big deal just noteworthy. But, it's here and that is a huge relief that we have another month to hope for our baby.


xo, Anne.

3 Years TTC

I can't recall the date but I know that February marks the beginning of our trying to conceive journey; Three years ago, my sweet husband and I decided we would begin trying to conceive our next baby. We were so careful, after loosing our precious son a year and a few months before, to make sure that we were both truly ready to try again. With two early losses thrown into the mix, I can't believe that three years ago we decided to try again and yet, three years later we are still hoping and praying for our baby.

Sometimes I can't believe it, sometimes I feel as if I must be dreaming this struggle because it doesn't make sense that two perfectly healthy people struggle this much to have a baby. But here we are, three years later, I am still somewhat hopeful and I feel like this year may be it. Since my miscarriage last fall my body and cycles have changed some and it gives me hope that we will get pregnant soon. I pray it will be soon. 

So, here's to three years and while I hope that we won't hit the four year mark but if we do I know that there is still a lot of fight left in us and so many options still available. Three years in and I am not ready to give up.

Nope.

Well, we're not pregnant this month. In some ways I expected that we wouldn't conceive this cycle since we only got the official "go ahead" at ovulation but I was still hopeful. I continued bbt charting and things looked really good, so when I got to 13dpo with no sign of my period coming I took a test - but it was negative and I was crushed. Remember that emotional roller coaster I mentioned in my last post? yeah, but after talking to and cuddling with my husband my mood turned around and I was looking forward to my next cycle. Except my period didn't come and I started to worry that history was repeating itself; that my cycles were about to go wonky once again and that we would have to go back on the fertility medication - something I am really not ready for. So I kept hoping for otherwise and tried not to stress myself out in the meantime, it arrived 3 days late which I assume is a reflection of the additional stress I've had this last month (things are getting back to normal now which is nice) so my period is currently kicking my butt and I am happy it is here, looking forward to another month and being hopeful that we will get our positive soon.

Fingers Crossed

Saw my obstetrician yesterday, he told me that miscarriages are common and that this one has no relation to our previous losses nor does it hold any consequences for a subsequent pregnancy. We discussed testing briefly but ultimately decided that if a second miscarriage occurs then we will follow up with a battery of blood work on both Dyl and I - just so I have a plan, which I am grateful that my OB understands how I my head works. He gave us the go ahead to start trying to conceive, which I was happy to hear, he is very positive for my next pregnancy and said that he believes we shouldn't have trouble conceiving again.

I was beaming, a little terrified, but so thrilled.

He suggested that we try for a few months without jumping back on Clomid, while we know the 100mg worked last August it also wreaked havoc on my body and it is best for my body if we can avoid Clomid when we can. If after 4-6 cycles I haven't conceived and want to go on the Clomid I can, and if my cycles get weird on me again to see him immediately for a plan - but he seems to really think that this year will be ours and his positivity only added more hope to the bucket, while there is still a voice in my head telling me how impossible all of this is, I know I still have a lot of hope to hold on to and no reason to doubt my body.

So here we are jumping back onto the trying to conceive train, since I was expecting to get the go ahead for next cycle (but secretly hoping for this cycle) I had already gotten back to my proper sleeping and eating habits, I am back on the prenatal vitamins and have begun charting again. I still have a pile of ovulation strips for my Clearblue Ovulation Kit but haven't committed to them entirely yet. 

Fingers crossed.

Dear Clomid,

I don't think I like you very much, or maybe you don't like me?

- - -

This cycle, Clomid is kicking my butt! I expected to feel a difference between this cycle, at the higher 100mg dose compared to last years rounds of 50mg, but I didn't expect to feel this bad.

I'm nauseated and dizzy, constantly running to the bathroom, my sleeping habits destroyed, and my mood swings holy bananas they have been insane. I get worked up over nothing one day then the next I'm bouncing off the moon happy, ugh. Oh, did I mention the cramping? madness.

Worst? probably the mood swings because everyone else has to deal with them, the rest is on me alone and I'm pretty good at dragging myself through things.

In a way all of this gets me excited, this strong reactions must mean it's working and I know every bit of this will be absolutely worth it when we are holding our baby - it just sucks a little right now.

Little Emotional

I've cried watching the Olympics - more than once.

Needless to say, the Clomid is making me a bit emotional.. or crazy? Tomorrow is my last dose for this cycle and I am hoping that this is our month.

Back Into the Ring with Clomid

I've spent weeks waiting and anticipating yesterday's appointment with my obstetrician, trying to organize my thoughts and questions, wondering how it would go and what my obstetrician would say. Weeks of being nervous and I was so incredibly anxious as I ran five flights of stairs to his office - then nothing, the anxiety faded as I sat waiting for the nurse to call my name.

So after a breif catch up with my obstetrician he told me he was going to up my dose of Clomid to 100mg (versus the 50mg I did during my first three months on Clomid last year). I did ovulate on the 50mg, so I am hopeful that we conceive on the 100mg dose. Also much like last year he is also sending me for the day 21 progesterone bloodwork to confirm ovulation, I'll be able to call the office for my results instead of booking an appointment and waiting.

I must admit I am a bit curious and nervous of taking the higher dose, I know Clomid comes with a mess of side effects and I was lucky enough to miss most during our months on 50mg but I wonder how I'll react on the higher dose and hope it won't be as rough as I am expecting. Regardless this is all such a small price to pay if in the end we bring home our baby.

I am so hopeful of these upcoming cycles, almost so much that I cannot wait to start. I know that these three cycles are a tad more stressful because if we do not conceive during the three rounds on Clomid my obstetrician will have to move me to the fertility specialists. But I am doing everything I can not to think about that and instead keep positive.

This will be our year, so many people are praying and hoping for us.

Making Good Habits

While I wait for my appointment (now just a week away!) I've been working on getting back into good healthy habits after taking a bad turn during the four months my period went awol. My sleeping and eating habits went wild and for a while I went back to only sporadically taking my prenatal vitamins instead of taking them daily.

Now I've been, off and on, taking a prenatal vitamin for the last year (not to mention sporadically before that) and chewing up (because I can't seem to swallow pills, yuck) a big ol' pill isn't exactly how I enjoy starting my day. I know it is best for my soon to-be pregnancy if I take these vitamins a minimum three months before conception (I've well surpassed!) but I find them even more unappealing on my bad days. When I'm angry with my body and my empty uterus the thought of choking down a pill, even if it is pink, with a happy mom & baby smiling at me from the bottle is so incredibly frustrating - not to mention depressing. Forget you happy mom and baby, forget you pink pill that is supposed to make my uterus a happy baby-making place. Ugh.

Anyway, end rant/

So I have been focusing on eating healthy again, taking my prenatal vitamin daily and squishing in two work outs a day (which I plan to trade for prenatal yoga during my pregnancy). I've been putting off repairing my poor sleeping habits but know that I need to get working on that soon. I've been feeling great, mostly, it's been so difficult taking out junk food 100% like we just dropped junk food and soda cold turkey and it has been so hard - especially when we go to the stores ah. I know in the long run my body will be so much better for this and when we do get pregnant our baby will get all the right nutrients.

I've been pushing myself hard with the work outs too, which doesn't make me excited to exercise but I know this too will be so worth it. When we first started this whole thing a year ago my obstetrician told me my weight was perfect but if I wanted to loose weight there was no harm in doing so (which makes him sound like a jerk, I actually asked he didn't just tell me that haha). It wasn't always a huge stress, while I would have been personally happy loosing a couple pounds I didn't want to put the stress of loosing weight on top of Clomid and actively trying to get pregnant. However, recently I've gained 3lbs (I KNOW! Oh my! So terrible!) and while I know a few pounds more isn't the end of the world it has made me want to get a little more in shape. I have the time and I want to really enjoy my body during our pregnancy, so I've been putting in a lot more effort with my work outs and even though I haven't lost any weight yet I can feel my body changing and adapting - some of the things that were harder before are much easier. That alone is good for me, I often hear "pregnancy is a marathon" and I'm happy if my endurance and strength is only better going into it.

Long story short? I'm working on kicking some of the bad habits I've fallen back into and getting into great shape for this pregnancy!

Two Week Wait

Boy oh boy, I didn't expect it to be this difficult and while I can see the days passing by all I can do is think about early symptoms or how much longer until my hopefully missed period. I want to think I'm not doing too bad but sometimes I just feel crazy. I'm actually down to 6 days of my two week wait until my period either shows up or doesn't, it has felt like it is passing by so quickly and at the same time dragging on so slowly. I've been taking note of the odd symptoms, there has been some noteworthy ones that I hadn't experienced in prior cycles and my BBT chart looks great so I can't help but feel like this month may actually be ours but I'm doing my best not to get too carried away.

Six days and one way or another we'll know, if we're not its okay but I'm really hoping that this will be it. As per usual.

Two Years

February officially marks two years that my husband and I have been on this insane roller coaster called trying to conceive. Neither of us could have ever expected what has happened over the last two years of our journey, after loosing our son I tried to hold onto some sort of hope that things would be easier this time around but apparently that wasn't the case.

Its a somber feeling, to think that its been two years that we've spent hoping and waiting yet at the same time I feel strangely empowered. I sort of feel like this superwoman for facing so much, for not being defeated because of our struggles but instead choosing hope (not that I don't ever feel defeated, it happens). That with every day, every month that we don't conceive is another month filled with wanting & I cannot imagine a baby more wanted then ours (clearly ours isn't the only, but between my husband and I along with our families and close friends it sure feels that way). I just keep thinking how worth all of this will be once we're holding that precious baby we've been waiting for. Does any of that even make sense? Haha, I think I think too much sometimes.

Due to the nature of our trying to conceive journey we haven't always been actively trying over the last two years (three months waiting after the ectopic and plenty of months with no ovulation) but we were still on the boat, not preventing and hoping our month would come. It has been exhausting on so many levels, I can't even fathom that two perfectly healthy people can struggle for two years (hopefully not much longer) and I know that despite all our struggle we are still so lucky to have all the love and support we have, our situation sucks but I know things could be so much worse and for that I am still grateful.

I hope by the three year mark it'll be something we simply look back on as a 'this time last year..' type of deal.

3 Months Down, 3 Months Off

Yepp, my period is here and there is no denying that I am most certainly not pregnant.

I kind of knew going into our third month on Clomid we wouldn't be successful, I kept holding out on this hope that we would get pregnant anyway but in the back of my mind I pretty much knew the likelihood was small. On September 17th my dear brother got married to a lovely girl who was practically my sister already, it was a beautiful day despite the massive amount of stress and I am so happy for them. None the less, I knew as the day got closer I had an ever growing pile of stress on my shoulders, this was the first month where I can barely remember thinking “am I pregnant?” We didn't have time to think about charting and I barely kept my eye out for ovulation signs. If this counts as the 'just relax and don't think about it' route, we weren't very successful anyway.

So here we are, three rounds of Clomid down and at least three months before we could attempt Clomid again. My obstetrician gave us the okay to try to conceive over the next few months, since there is no foreseeable reason for my lack of ovulation there is always the chance my body will restart once it comes down from the Clomid. Fingers crossed.

I thought I would be more upset about this, considering how poorly I took my periods arrival the past two months but I'm weirdly okay – we'll see how long that feeling sticks around.