Momma Update (6 months postpartum)

I am quickly approaching six months postpartum, I can't believe that I am a momma to a little (nearly) six month old! So I wanted to do a little mommy update six months postpartum, six months post c-section, six months since becoming a momma here on earth. I still can't believe I'm this lucky, thank you Lord.

PHYSICALLY (c-section)
Until it had completely healed up, I was very watchful of my incision - afterall a c-section is major surgery and the complications that can happen are a little scary (infection, reopening the incision ect..) also despite being the kind of person that very rarely takes any medication I tried to stay on top of my pain medication as I was told that not only would doing so help with my recovery but also help me focus on breastfeeding and keeping my supply up.

For the first two weeks after my c-section getting up and moving about were difficult, although I made sure to walk around when I could because I was told that would help speed up my recovery. I am so grateful for all the help I had from my parents and my husband - I was very lucky to have all the help that I did and I do attribute that to how well I recovered and how quickly we were able to establish good breastfeeding habits.

By two weeks postpartum I was feeling (practically) back to normal, and between feeling better than I probably should have (typical c-section recover is 6-8weeks) and finally being able to do things that I hadn't been able to since the beginning of our journey to Lilly (from being cautious over the years of trying to the bed rest and restrictions of my pregnancy) I would frequently overdo it. My incision would ache if I did too much but it was hard to remind myself that I was still only a few weeks post major abdominal surgery. However at two months postpartum I had a small leak from my incision, I panicked and we called the health nurse they said it seemed normal so we kept an eye on it and were cleared at my next doctors appointment and that my incision was healing nicely. Needless to say I sort of learnt my lesson about recovery and tried to listen to my body more.

Now it is a small pink line and I can't believe that my little miracle was delivered through a tiny little line. I am so proud and all considered, my c-section was a great experience. Was I sore? Yes, but I brought my miracle into this world. I did it, absolutely worth it. 

PHYSICALLY (other)

My postpartum bleeding lasted longer than I expected, much longer than it did after my son's delivery and I wonder if it has to do with the delivery (vaginal versus c-section?) my recovery because I was up and about much faster after our son, the simple fact that I lost a lot of blood because of the placental abruption or heck, different pregnancy, different baby, different recovery. It would slow down to nothing and just when I'd start to feel like it was over, it would pick back up again. 

The little brown line down my belly has since faded, it took longer than I expected but I was okay with having that little reminder that I was pregnant, that my body stretched to carry my miracle. 

Speaking of stretching skin, I did get some new stretch marks from this pregnancy but those too have already faded (some are desperately holding onto slight color but it won't be long). I'm a mom, if that was my trade to have this amazing little girl in my arms then I clearly ended up with the better side of the deal. My stomach still has some loose skin but I am below my pre-pregnancy weight and when you consider the bed rest and restrictions I had during and even after this pregnancy while I recovered from my c-section.. that is pretty awesome! I still have some toning to do but despite toting around my little lady and going for walks with the hubby I haven't started exercising just yet (I fear that exercise and breastfeeding may conflict, the last thing I want is to loose my supply just to tone up) but I feel really good with where my body is. My core muscles came back together (twice now!) which is just another penny in the someday-abs jar and overall I'm pretty happy.

I feel like I could easily write a whole post on my breastfeeding experience, so bare with the brief update for now. I am so lucky to still be exclusively breastfeeding my Lilly, there have been no supplementing for us and she is thriving! She has always been a champion and my body seems to be doing just what it needs to, is it always easy? no way but the benefits to my daughter make every bit of difficulty absolutely worth it for me. 

Initially I didn't have any issues with postpartum hair loss but as the months passed by, and I know that this is partially due to the season, but I am shedding hair like crazy. I have wildly thick hair so the shedding isn't an issue for me and seems there is always more than what is falling out - it is just a little ridiculous when you put a shirt on and can watch in the mirror as strands of curls fall down your back.

EMOTIONALLY
This is another topic that could quickly turn into it's own post so forgive the quick update and keep your eyes out for all the details another week. Talking about this is very much out of my comfort zone but I think it is important - especially as a mom after loss. Despite years of riding my high horse saying I couldn't understand feeling blue if I actually got my baby since I survived grieving my son without depression or anything else. But my ride on the high horse didn't include the fact that there are raging hormones that I cannot control nor would they make sense. I hit a rough patch of baby blues shortly after coming home, somewhere between dealing with the emotional roller coaster of finally having our miracle in my arms and sorting through the emotions that come from the losses and struggles we faced to get here - I have never in my life felt so afraid and still so in love. 

I am still overwhelmed with worries and anxiety, however I have always been very anxious so the doctors have made note of it and we're watching it. I know that all moms worry and I also know that the worry may be heightened because of what we've experienced on the journey to Lilly. Prayer, talking to my amazing husband (along with hearing from other moms, hello to my mom!) and our Angel Care movement monitor are the reasons I relax (or sleep) at all.

That said, from the moment I heard her cries (who am I kidding, from the moment that test turned positive, heck from the moment we decided we were ready for baby number two) I have been absolutely over the moon in love with my daughter and being her mommy. I do believe that parents after loss are different, because of this complete awareness that nothing is guaranteed - we love differently. Not better, just very different.

I soak her in, marvel at everything she does and the fact that she is mine - I am hers. That she cries for me, smiles at me, in a way that is so different than anyone else. I am so very happy, so grateful, for every moment that I get to be her momma. I don't want to miss a minute with her and even when she is finally peacefully asleep in her bed I want to pick her up and just absorb every bit of her. I still am in such awe that this little girl is mine, I am her mom. Thank you lord.

I can't think of anything else to include in this update on me but if anyone has any questions feel free to ask away :) See you next week.

xo, Anne

Our Birth Story

The days leading up to our scheduled c-section were a blur of preparations and prayer that we would get to bring home our baby girl. All we had to do was make it into the hospital on January 30th.

I imagined the morning of our delivery to be relaxed. Instead I was frantically trying to prepare ourselves for the next time we would be home, as a family of three. I did laundry, stitched up a pair of pants and sorted through her clothes once again as I readied the bedroom we were staying in while renovations continued. We took my last weekly pregnancy photos, a few days late loving that I'd have a bump photo of that very day. We did a belly cast in the last hours, as the cast hardened I could feel her little feet push against it, pulling it away from my skin. I will cherish spending that last hour with my husband, capturing what my pregnant belly looked like. I wanted to remember this feeling forever.

Soon we were throwing our very full hospital bag into the car and off we went. It was a beautiful day, despite a heavy blanket of fresh white snow the sky was a marvelous blue and the sun wad shinning. I soaked up every kick and movement she made in the safe darkness of my belly, we couldn't stop talking about how our little miracle would be in our arms, it still seemed so surreal.

Labor & delivery was really busy so we had to wait long enough for them to prepare a bed for us, there was a mix up with some missed blood work from the day before then we were taken to bed six and the familiar pastel colored curtains. Just like every visit to L&D before, I was given a blue gown to change into but this time Dyl was also instructed to change into a pair of blue scrubs. As our nurse Erin got us hooked up to the heart rate monitor my mind flashed to that same moment with our son five years before, quickly I prayed, then the sounds of our sweet baby girl's beating heart filled the room. Waves of relief flooded over me, over both of us. Thirty-eight long weeks praying that our little miracle would make it and here we were, in the hospital and she was still here, kicking and moving just as strong as ever. We were safe, even if the unspeakable repeated itself, we had a chance to save her. Thankfully it didn't.

What was supposed to be a two hour prep window turned into four, my ob frequently checked on us, despite his and our expectations everything was ready right on schedule except for the anesthesiologist who was swamped. We met members of our delivery team, another nurse named Tara, who after finding out we were about to have our little girl told us that would make two baby boys and two baby girls delivered today via c-section. We also met the doctor who would be assisting our ob, she right away recognized us from a worried trip to L&D weeks before. Two more hours passed by, we were getting restless, anxious to meet our little girl.

I was a mix of emotions, so grateful for the extra time I had to soak up the last moments of my pregnancy,  knowing she was safe but so ready to have her in my arms. I also worried for our families and loved ones who were already waiting anxiously for the news that she was here safe - please don't let them be scared, we were okay. We continued to enjoy every kick and movement she made, marveling at the absolute miracle she was, repeatedly telling each other that we couldn't believe our little girl was about to be here in our arms.

Finally at four o'clock the anesthesiologist dropped by, there aren't too many options for pain relief during a c-section which made for a brief visit as I already knew I wanted to stay awake during my c-section. After a little more prep our nurse came along to walk us to the operating room. It was time!

We dropped our things off in our recovery room and walked towards the OR, our nurse Erin stopping to pick out a tiny knitted pink hat for our little girl. As I paddled through the peaceful hallway it suddenly became very real to me that our baby girl was going to be here soon, that despite all of our struggles and worries, despite all the odds stacked against us - she was about to be here! We continued into the operating room while Dyl waited outside for them to finish prepping me.

I climbed onto the tall table and was introduced to the team working to prepare for my c-section, each having a role in my daughter's delivery. I held onto my nurse as my lower half began to freeze and laid down with warm blankets kept me comfortable and the monitor beeped away, this time for me. My ob entered the room and Dyl was brought to my side, the team marveled at how much movement our little girl was making - although I could no longer feel below my chest I smiled proudly at how strong our baby girl was. They explained how she was positioned, her little butt against the same side her back laid against for so many weeks before she turned head down and her feet (while now upside down) were kicking the same spot along my right side that she had been kicking for as long as I could feel.

Then the blue curtain went up, Dyl was holding my hand next to me while the anesthesiologist stayed to my left watching over me and helping me through a rough patch of nausea that I can only assume was caused by a combination of my own anxiety and the medication. My ob talked me through what I was feeling as he performed my c-section, after feeling some pressure he called out that our baby would be here soon and then we heard her little cries. With tears in my eyes we both exclaimed that she was here, she was safe!

The blurred body of my ob poked around the curtain holding our baby, I was already so in love. As he and his assistant began closing my incision the nurses called Dyl over to meet his little girl. Before I knew it he was beside me again with our beautiful little miracle. Somewhere between being so grateful that she was here safe and being so awestruck, I started to get really flushed and the anesthesiologist had to remind me to breathe which was still a task because all I wanted to do was focus on our baby girl.

Soon we were being moved to our recovery room, Dyl pushing a little hospital cot right along with me. Once we were in recovery nurse Erin watched over me while nurse Tara did a thorough check of our little miracle, she was perfectly healthy scoring two 9s on the apgar. Tara measured and weighed her, we laughed that daddy's guess was much closer. Once she was checked over I got to hold our baby girl for the first time, I was in absolute awe of the tiny warm body next to mine. While still in recovery we were able to start nursing, I had heard so many stories of c-section babies struggling with nursing but we were lucky enough that our little girl was a champion from the start and while I was clumsy the nurses were so impressed by our baby girl and the beginnings of our breastfeeding relationship.

Within an hour we were moved from our recovery room to the postpartum unit, our little miracle never leaving our side that night. Daddy pushed her right beside me in her little cot and we loved every minute of being a family of three.

. . .

Our miracle, our beautiful baby girl, our rainbow. Lord knows how long we have prayed for you Lillith ♥

xo, Anne