Christmas Eve

Good night Christmas 2018, goodness I am dragging my feet as I avoid going to bed. I’m not ready to put this magic away for another year. I’d take a couple extra days, there is so much more I would like to squeeze in. Things that I said no to because having a happy Mom is more important sometimes but I’m also not ready to stop. That’s not to imply that I haven’t been out of my mind busy, I spend my days and nights creating magic and becoming friends with the house elves, I take family pictures for ourselves and others too (ever wonder who is behind the camera there?)  and  work late into the night every night. I dance around curious questions and later have dance parties to Christmas music. I’m cranking out cookies and making sure everything we need is bought  I’m exhausted but on such a magical high that I don’t entirely feel it. Tomorrow is the best part, all of the anticipation and excitement, all of the planning and thought for each gift. Whoever said giving is better than getting was so right. Tomorrow is like the cherry on top of a deliriously good sundae but I still want to slow down and soak in as much as I can.

Merry Christmas and good night
Anne

Goodbye, for now

Rather than leave this seemingly abandoned I am going to instead call this little blog of mine closed for the time being. Life is just so short and every moment I'm not spending with my family is one I don't get back. Like I have mentioned before, the idea of starting a Youtube mommy channel is incredibly appealing and I would love to have that creative outlet of my own again in the near future, so if you like what you've read here in the past know that I will come back but right now I have a beautiful one year old and I want to soak up every single minute with her.

Thank you for reading along my unbelievable journey to Lilly

love, hope & prayers, Anne

Every Year

It begins without fail, October 28, our due date as the day passes by my mind replays the memories from years ago that lead up to the moment I became a mother to a sweet blonde boy with wings, a mother to an angel.

By now, 11:30pm I would have just pressed publish on a quick journal entry I wrote as a wave of gratitude washed over me. My due date was passing by quickly and I knew sometime soon we would get to hold and meet the little boy who made me mom. I felt so lucky, so blessed that we got so far, that he was healthy and that we would have our son.

I had no idea just hours later I would wake up in severe pain and soon hear the worst words a parent could hear.

October 29,2008 my world was changed forever.

xo, Anne

6 Month Old Painting!

As far back as I can remember I couldn't wait to proudly display my sweet child's artwork, it just struck me as one of those mom things. I have stored away scribbled messes of princesses on the back of napkins from my niece and have a small canvas that is pretty much brown from over-mixed colors from my nephew and I love it. I am a very proud Aunty but every fiber of my being has longed to be a mother, and I couldn't wait to watch my child create.

I picked up a 8x10 canvas from the dollar store, it is a great gem to grab and makes creating that much more special too. Immediately I knew I wanted to have Lilly paint something so we could hang it in her bedroom but I wondered if she was too young and so I kept putting it off. Shortly after she passed 6 months old I put my foot down, this was happening and I gathered my supplies. Because I knew I couldn't handle the stress of her possibly ingesting the paint I knew we would have to keep the paint from her while still giving her the chance to create. Here comes the large Ziploc bags to the rescue!

I squeezed a few drops of each color, you could also get a nice effect if you did each color separately
and allowed them to dry between colors to create a more layered painting. Maybe next time. After carefully slipping the paint covered canvas into the Ziploc bag I held it in front of my sweet baby girl and let her smoosh and pat the canvas as she created her first little piece of art work. 

For now it is part of the gallery wall in her room but if/when the day comes that we change it out I am the first in line to hang it on our wall - I love it so much, I love her so much.

How do you encourage creativity in your home? Do you have a stash of sweet little one's artwork? I know I can't be the only one ;)

xo, Anne.

Waiting for you..

Our journey to Lillith was far from the typical 9 months I carried her in my belly, it was months turned years of waiting and praying. Hoping and dreaming of our little baby, in August 2012 just after my last round of Clomid I had a dream that I would bring home a small dark haired baby girl. She was bundled up in pink and details of that dream were far from anything I could predict then. It was so vivid and so incredible, I believe I dreamt of her and Lord knows I needed it then, just months before my first positive pregnancy test in almost 3 years would end in miscarriage.

Who could have imagined that nine months after that dream, six months after that devastating miscarriage that I would be blessed with another positive test, this time without the Clomid just before we were about to give up. 

She's here, it has been such a challenging and difficult journey and I have had many dark days but holding her in my arms is amazing, there is light and there is hope.

xo, Anne.

Combating Clothing Clutter

It is super easy to get swept away with little clothes, everything is just so adorable (I'm not exclusively talking about girl clothes either, don't get me wrong I love shopping for our daughter but boy clothes is just as stinkin' cute... anyway). Between shopping sprees and hand-me-downs, excited grandparents and random gifts - most parents find themselves swimming in mountains of clothing and that can become pretty overwhelming.

You hear often of parents saying "she only wore that once" "we never took the tag off" "he hasn't even worn this" and I knew I didn't want to do that. Not only because that sounds like such a waste of money but also because I loved every onesie and sleeper we had and wanted to see them on her as many times as I could.

Right off the bat we set a rough limit of 10 (10 pairs of pants, 10 onesies), we knew we would rather get as much use out of the tiny clothes than be finding things she never wore (still happened a tiny bit though). Does that mean we'd tell great grandma to return that newborn sleeper because we had reached the limit? No, gifts are gifts - although we've been lucky enough that for the most part people buy a few sizes up when gifting us baby clothes.

We've also had to be pretty strict with hand-me-downs, Lillith has two girl cousins a few years older than her and we've received a lot from them. Definitely focused more on what she would actually wear instead of holding on to everything. There is a small box for special items that stay in the family, a storage tote hidden under her crib with clothes that she will grow into and a large bag ready for donations.

My beat advice is limit yourself, we still buy things for our little girl all the time but try to buy sizes that will fit longer and items that I know we will get a lot of use out of. It's not perfect, but it works for us.

Are you a baby-clothes shopaholic? Or do you have a handful of faves?

xo, Anne

Introducing Solids

Now more than ever before, introducing "solid" food to your baby has become truly exclusive to your own choices and everyone does it differently (which really should be how we take parenting in general, but that is another post)

Just a few years ago I remember reading the guidelines for introducing food to a baby, which fruits and vegetables were considered "stage one" while meats were held off for later months. When you talk to your parents and grandparents you'll hear how they had to start with rice cereal then to another grain before you even introduced fruits or vegetables or how eggs and peanut butter were held off because of allergy risks. I was recently at our pediatricians office and learnt that isn't the practice anymore, I was still surprised when our family doctor and even the health nurses at Lillith's six month shots explained the changes.

"You can start with whatever you want"

They still suggest beginning with an iron-fortified cereal because iron levels, especially in breastfed babies as iron is added to (most?) formula, begins to deplete at this age but that can also be combated depending on the foods you choose to introduce.

The only real rule? Try out each food with at least four days before introducing another just to make it easier to identify an allergy. Which is a good idea anyway because taste buds adapt and what may seem like a vegetable your baby doesn't like one day will often change after giving it a few more tries. But otherwise, it is entirely up to the parents.

Up until six months old, Lillith was exclusively breastfed and I am so happy to say that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed my daughter for six months, I hope to meet our goal of one year. Lillith had been showing signs that she was ready a few weeks before turning six months old; watching everything we ate and trying to grab at it, she would often try to mimic our mouths chewing and we knew she would likely transition to solids fairly well. While we weren't holding off until the age marker we were also not in a rush to jump into it either. We like the fun saying "food before one is just for fun" since they are still receiving vast majority of their nutrients from the breast milk (or formula) and don't need much to meet their nutritional requirements unlike us who rely on nutritious meals throughout the day.

To maintain the priority of breast milk in her diet we always nurse first before heading to the high chair, that way she isn't filling up on cereal (for example) and skipping out on breast milk. We started with infant rice cereal, I don't know if we will switch to oats or wheat cereal and I was a little uncertain about starting with infant cereals at all but learning about her iron levels swayed me to include it in her diet. I add breast milk instead of water and also her vitamin D, then I get a little excited over the amount of nutrients in the little bowl as I get her ready. Lillith quickly caught on to keeping the cereal in her mouth instead of pushing it out, and opens her mouth wide with a smile as the spoon approaches.

We waited a little over a week, not only because of the attention to possible allergies but also because I wanted to build her little appetite, after all she has been on a liquid-only diet her whole life. We have since introduced her first food, after a lot of back and forth we decided to start with peaches. Initially we wanted to start with a vegetable, something that wasn't so naturally sweet, but after noting how sweet my breast milk is we decided that starting with something that was a little sweet would (hopefully) help her enjoy experiencing new tastes as we went on. We also liked that it is easy on her tummy, has some fiber to help her stay regular and iron to keep those levels up along with great vitamins.


Years ago I helped make my dear nephew's food and loved doing it, and although I have nothing against the store bought jars I couldn't wait to start making food for my own child. I didn't go out of my way to purchase any of the baby food appliances and instead I opted for a good blender because I'm the kind of person that doesn't often buy things without seeing long-term use (and ideally multiple purpose) and am borrowing the storage cubes that my sister in-law used (although I hear an ice cube tray works fine).

The peaches were super easy to prepare, after washing thoroughly we cut them into quarters and peeled them. I used one and a half peaches and ended up with six portions.

While I started preparing peaches for her to actually eat we decided to wash a full peach and let her play with it. She gave us some pretty surprised faces and eventually tried to get it into her mouth. We watched her closely while she put little chew marks into the peach before traded it out for a bowl of pureed peaches. Which she seemed to have mixed feelings for, she would come towards the spoon but not quite like she does with her cereal - although this is the first taste and texture that is very different from the only things she's ever had, which is breast milk (I don't know if the cereal really has a taste but it is incredibly sweet from my milk). But every time she got some of the peaches into her mouth she would make this scrunched up face and we giggled so much at her reactions, grateful that we were also able to capture them, overall she ate really well and only left a little bit in the bowl. I think we can call it a success!

xo, Anne.

Celebrating & Making Memories

Before I dive into this post I want to first apologize because my mind feels rambled and I don't know if that will reflect in this post but I hope not.

I think we often fall into this thought process that if we don't get attached, if we don't do things to celebrate and remember, if we don't get excited then it won't hurt if something devastating happens. Logically it sort of makes sense; if there are no pictures I won't be reminded, if there were no journals I would never be able to recall how I felt at that moment. But the reality of loss is that it hurts no matter what, the world is upside down and whether or not you have a couple sleepers to (eventually) pack away isn't going to make it easier or worse. Your baby isn't with you, nothing is going to make that worse to face.

When I was pregnant with Lillith I did a weekly pregnancy journal, taking photos and writing about the week and how I was feeling. Every week I fought back those same feelings - the nasty what if?. I took maternity photos shortly after finding out that our miracle was a little girl, despite the worries of the ultrasound or the uncertainty that comes from loosing our precious son. It was my way of celebrating now, celebrating my round belly and the love we already had for our little girl. It was my way of telling those thoughts that loom in the dark corners of my mind that right at that moment they had no power over me, a big proverbial screw you.

It's not that I didn't struggle with it, heck I still do, trying to balance happiness and daily life with the awareness that tomorrow cannot be guaranteed - for anyone really. But it is always there and because of that, and honestly because time moves so incredibly fast, I capture every moment I can, I soak in every day because it is all I can do in this mortal life.

During my pregnancy with our son I took monthly photos, I didn't journal as much - although I did do some, and my photos weren't nearly as extensive as they were when I was pregnant with Lilly. I am still so grateful and I have enjoyed comparing my belly from one pregnancy to the other, being able to read some of the differences between our sweet boy in heaven and our miracle daughter. I also love that I have a handful of similar photos of both our children, that I can look at their tiny newborn faces and see how they look alike and how they are different.

As parents of baby's in heaven, all we really want is for our children to be recognized and remembered, I have always been so grateful to those that say his name or don't shy away when I talk about both of my children. Having these photos, being able to have things that were just his, making a journal for both of my pregnancies helps me remember that I will always be a mother of two. He was real, he was here and this isn't a dark secret to be hidden away but a son, a sibling, to be celebrated and remembered just as those on earth.

This is a mess, I'm sorry for that, and I wanted to share more but I fear this is becoming too much and I will have to save that for another day.

xo, Anne. 

Momma Update (6 months postpartum)

I am quickly approaching six months postpartum, I can't believe that I am a momma to a little (nearly) six month old! So I wanted to do a little mommy update six months postpartum, six months post c-section, six months since becoming a momma here on earth. I still can't believe I'm this lucky, thank you Lord.

PHYSICALLY (c-section)
Until it had completely healed up, I was very watchful of my incision - afterall a c-section is major surgery and the complications that can happen are a little scary (infection, reopening the incision ect..) also despite being the kind of person that very rarely takes any medication I tried to stay on top of my pain medication as I was told that not only would doing so help with my recovery but also help me focus on breastfeeding and keeping my supply up.

For the first two weeks after my c-section getting up and moving about were difficult, although I made sure to walk around when I could because I was told that would help speed up my recovery. I am so grateful for all the help I had from my parents and my husband - I was very lucky to have all the help that I did and I do attribute that to how well I recovered and how quickly we were able to establish good breastfeeding habits.

By two weeks postpartum I was feeling (practically) back to normal, and between feeling better than I probably should have (typical c-section recover is 6-8weeks) and finally being able to do things that I hadn't been able to since the beginning of our journey to Lilly (from being cautious over the years of trying to the bed rest and restrictions of my pregnancy) I would frequently overdo it. My incision would ache if I did too much but it was hard to remind myself that I was still only a few weeks post major abdominal surgery. However at two months postpartum I had a small leak from my incision, I panicked and we called the health nurse they said it seemed normal so we kept an eye on it and were cleared at my next doctors appointment and that my incision was healing nicely. Needless to say I sort of learnt my lesson about recovery and tried to listen to my body more.

Now it is a small pink line and I can't believe that my little miracle was delivered through a tiny little line. I am so proud and all considered, my c-section was a great experience. Was I sore? Yes, but I brought my miracle into this world. I did it, absolutely worth it. 

PHYSICALLY (other)

My postpartum bleeding lasted longer than I expected, much longer than it did after my son's delivery and I wonder if it has to do with the delivery (vaginal versus c-section?) my recovery because I was up and about much faster after our son, the simple fact that I lost a lot of blood because of the placental abruption or heck, different pregnancy, different baby, different recovery. It would slow down to nothing and just when I'd start to feel like it was over, it would pick back up again. 

The little brown line down my belly has since faded, it took longer than I expected but I was okay with having that little reminder that I was pregnant, that my body stretched to carry my miracle. 

Speaking of stretching skin, I did get some new stretch marks from this pregnancy but those too have already faded (some are desperately holding onto slight color but it won't be long). I'm a mom, if that was my trade to have this amazing little girl in my arms then I clearly ended up with the better side of the deal. My stomach still has some loose skin but I am below my pre-pregnancy weight and when you consider the bed rest and restrictions I had during and even after this pregnancy while I recovered from my c-section.. that is pretty awesome! I still have some toning to do but despite toting around my little lady and going for walks with the hubby I haven't started exercising just yet (I fear that exercise and breastfeeding may conflict, the last thing I want is to loose my supply just to tone up) but I feel really good with where my body is. My core muscles came back together (twice now!) which is just another penny in the someday-abs jar and overall I'm pretty happy.

I feel like I could easily write a whole post on my breastfeeding experience, so bare with the brief update for now. I am so lucky to still be exclusively breastfeeding my Lilly, there have been no supplementing for us and she is thriving! She has always been a champion and my body seems to be doing just what it needs to, is it always easy? no way but the benefits to my daughter make every bit of difficulty absolutely worth it for me. 

Initially I didn't have any issues with postpartum hair loss but as the months passed by, and I know that this is partially due to the season, but I am shedding hair like crazy. I have wildly thick hair so the shedding isn't an issue for me and seems there is always more than what is falling out - it is just a little ridiculous when you put a shirt on and can watch in the mirror as strands of curls fall down your back.

EMOTIONALLY
This is another topic that could quickly turn into it's own post so forgive the quick update and keep your eyes out for all the details another week. Talking about this is very much out of my comfort zone but I think it is important - especially as a mom after loss. Despite years of riding my high horse saying I couldn't understand feeling blue if I actually got my baby since I survived grieving my son without depression or anything else. But my ride on the high horse didn't include the fact that there are raging hormones that I cannot control nor would they make sense. I hit a rough patch of baby blues shortly after coming home, somewhere between dealing with the emotional roller coaster of finally having our miracle in my arms and sorting through the emotions that come from the losses and struggles we faced to get here - I have never in my life felt so afraid and still so in love. 

I am still overwhelmed with worries and anxiety, however I have always been very anxious so the doctors have made note of it and we're watching it. I know that all moms worry and I also know that the worry may be heightened because of what we've experienced on the journey to Lilly. Prayer, talking to my amazing husband (along with hearing from other moms, hello to my mom!) and our Angel Care movement monitor are the reasons I relax (or sleep) at all.

That said, from the moment I heard her cries (who am I kidding, from the moment that test turned positive, heck from the moment we decided we were ready for baby number two) I have been absolutely over the moon in love with my daughter and being her mommy. I do believe that parents after loss are different, because of this complete awareness that nothing is guaranteed - we love differently. Not better, just very different.

I soak her in, marvel at everything she does and the fact that she is mine - I am hers. That she cries for me, smiles at me, in a way that is so different than anyone else. I am so very happy, so grateful, for every moment that I get to be her momma. I don't want to miss a minute with her and even when she is finally peacefully asleep in her bed I want to pick her up and just absorb every bit of her. I still am in such awe that this little girl is mine, I am her mom. Thank you lord.

I can't think of anything else to include in this update on me but if anyone has any questions feel free to ask away :) See you next week.

xo, Anne

To: Angel Mommas

I may be holding my miracle, my rainbow baby, now but it wasn't always that way.

I was once there; days, weeks, months shortly after loosing our son, so devastated and so heart broken. I looked for others like me and I remember feeling so very defeated when I'd read "it never gets better" because Lord, I needed it to get a little bit better. I needed to be able to survive in this world. I read the words you write, I remember those feelings so vividly, that heart ache that no one but those like us can understand and the sadness watching others have what you so desperately wish you could experience.

I would be in the loss community and read things like "having your rainbow baby will make it easier" and I'd feel that much more trapped in my grief as we struggled for three years to conceive our miracle Lilly, loosing two more little ones along the way. I'd read things like that and wonder if I would ever be happy again if we never had our rainbow baby - the truth is yes, yes I could and while it is an incredible experience to finally hold our little miracle and finally have her here. I did find small ways to be happy.

The truth is, it will never go away. You are always going to miss your child, there will always be one (or three..) missing. You'll remember their due dates and their birth dates, you'll recount happier moments of your time together, you'll do the same with the sad and difficult ones too. Every October 28th I begin to recall every moment leading up to his birth, that was his due date and the next day he was born silent. I pause every time I see a mother with four children, I count out their ages and wonder if that would've been us.

our sweet boy's special ornament and his precious prints in the background

Our son, would be 6 years old, he would be in school - he would be so big now. A little one lost to ectopic, he or she would've been 4 years old in November. The baby we lost to miscarriage, he or she would be considered Irish twins with our miracle Lilly. I would have my hands very full if they were all here, I would have my hands full if even just our son was here with us. I see older siblings with the baby of their family and wonder if our son would've been that way with his little baby sister. I picture him here with us all the time, his thin frame just like his daddy and his beautiful blonde curls.

That will never go away, in some ways I'm glad because I know without a doubt how much I loved our babies - no matter how much time we had together in this world, they were here - that ache in my heart tells me how real it was. But you'll laugh again, you'll be able to think and talk about your angel without crumbling at the seams. You'll also think or talk about them and cry, and that is normal.

together at a pregnancy & infant loss awareness event 2010

It is also okay to not feel okay, to feel sad and angry, to miss your baby. You are allowed to feel this way, no matter what the circumstances of your loss or the amount of time you had together. You are a mother, you are a father. your baby isn't here and that is still wrong. It is normal to feel the way you're feeling but please, know it will get easier. Not right away, never 100%, but you'll get to a point where it won't be as hard.

If you do have your rainbow baby, it is truly an incredible experience, words can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to be her mom. Not a day goes by that I am not absolutely grateful that I get to hold her and love her.

I'm going to close this, to avoid me repeating myself, but know you're not alone and I think of you, I pray for you.

Don't loose hope.

xo, Anne

As if I should be Grateful? What?

"At least you can relax, you don't have a kid to take care of"

 

My first trimester has been difficult, with all day nausea and the nature of my high risk label putting me on reduced activity from my obstetrician and family/hubby ordered bed rest - I have spent a lot of this pregnancy propped up on pillows doing whatever I can to relax and keep my mind away from the negative things that hang in the dark corners of my mind.

 

The other day, after violently throwing up my lunch, someone told me this, someone who not only is aware of our son but had been there while we struggled through our infertility and the early losses. This kind of statement would be okay from the unaware-but-trying-to-be-nice lady at the store, or the doctors office, even the bank - that I could forgive, simply blissful ignorance. But from someone who knows what we've come through, someone who can hold her children here and completely ignore everything that can go wrong because it hasn't happened to her. I can't forgive, there are so many things that as a parent to a child in heaven we have to hear; I've been told that I need to "move on" as if it was that easy to forget my son, that my husband "should find another wife" as if my fertility was the only thing my husband married me for. I have had people dig through my darkest experiences in sheer curiosity then shrug it off while I try to pull together the shreds of my grief and struggle. I have had people tell me to wait to have another child, because I had the chance, to do something different with my life, as if I could suddenly erase the 40 weeks I spent loving and preparing for my baby, 40 weeks of being a mother to a little boy that I would never hold. I've had people "offer" me their kids or tell me how lucky I am because I can sleep in ect - because I wouldn't trade everything I have to wake up every morning to my son's sweet smile, to instead have him cry for me.

 

I've heard a lot as a mother to an angel, but the absolute ignorance in her comment has hit me harder than most - I presume because I once confided a lot of my darkest in her. I couldn't even react, even now I can't get her comment out of my head and I wonder if other people dwell on the things they've said the same way I do.

As if I should be grateful that I don't have a child, that my little blonde boy isn't here, so I can just relax.

 

The thing is, I do have a child and I am a mother. My first pregnancy was real, my son was here and the trauma from my labor and delivery have scarred me both physically and emotionally. I have enough to take care of and although I would wish it all away if it meant that little blonde boy was here I can't.

 

I would do anything if it meant he was here; trying to find ways to work with my reduced activity and bed rest to keep him entertained and happy, just like so many mothers that have children here while high risk, teaching and preparing him to be the amazing big brother that I know our angel would be. I would do anything to be planning ways to make him feel involved with his little brother or sister during my pregnancy, ways to include him and make the day he would've met this baby special for him. I would do anything to hear my sweet little blonde boy, we would've been almost five years old now, talk excitedly about the baby brother or sister growing in his Mommy's tummy. I would do anything to have such a little trivial thing like balancing my doctor ordered reduced activity with an active child but I can't, I don't even get that chance and I HATE it. I hate that I can't have him here, I hate that instead I have to look forward to the day my little family is reunited in heaven, in the Lord's time and not mine. I hate that instead this is my life, that my life is without my son and instead of watching in wonder of the amazing big brother our sweet boy would've been I have to plan how I will teach this baby about their big brother, instead I will have to find ways to celebrate their big brother without causing them to fear death as the monster that took their big brother away.

 

But at least I can just relax, I'm clearly foolish to not be grateful that I am not "burdened" with a living, thriving child. Right, quite possibly the worst thing I have ever been told in the 5 years that I have spent aching for my little blonde boy.

Although I know that when we get to meet our rainbow baby in February that my grief and that ache will change - it will never go away & this life, with one child in heaven and one in my arms, will always be mine. If this is how it has to be, I will take it - because having had our son even if only for the short time we did, is better than never having the chance to love him. But that doesn't mean I should somehow be grateful for the supposed ease I have through this pregnancy without him here.

xo, Anne.

When to Announce

No, I'm not pregnant (although still hoping!)

But this is something that does weigh heavy on my mind, when we do get pregnant when should we announce to our families and friends.

With our first pregnancy, we were young and a little surprised, we didn't tell our families until an ultrasound at 12weeks (finding out at 7weeks helped too) and everyone was so excited so it broke our hearts to tell all of these people who fell so in love with our son that we had lost him. When we got pregnant for the second time, we only announced to our very immediate family, and in the matter of a week we were told it was ectopic and obviously, I couldn't continue the pregnancy. While there was a sense of sadness, it was so quick that no one (including myself really) got attached to that pregnancy. Fast forward two and a half years of trying, we got pregnant for a third time and decided to announce right away, everyone had been waiting so long for our baby and we really felt good about this pregnancy. Weeks went by, a great ultrasound with a good heartbeat at 7weeks made breathing a little easier, but when we found out a few weeks afterwards that our baby stopped growing my heart broke. My heart hurt so badly as I had loved that baby from the very first positive test at 3 in the morning, crying happy tears on my bathroom floor. But my heart also broke for our families, and our friends, who were so excited for this little one - that once again I would have to tell them I had lost another baby, once again I would have to break their hearts.

So I have done both announcing right away and waiting past the first trimester, and considering loosing our son at 40weeks I don't think I will ever really feel safe in a pregnancy because I know that at any moment things could end. When I found out I was pregnant this last time I had decided right away that I deserved to enjoy and love our baby for as long as I had with him/her - but I sincerely expected to love that baby for a lifetime. Never the less I have come to realize that life isn't guaranteed for anyone, even children, so who would it benefit if we protected our hearts by choosing not to love anyone in the chance we could loose them? What an empty life, I couldn't even imagine it. So I know when we get pregnant again, while I will be scared and pray even more than before to keep our baby, I know I will spend every day I get loving that child.

What I am stuck on though is when I can comfortably tell our families and friends without fear that I will break their hearts all over again. I want to protect the people I care for, my husband included but at the same time who am I to take away their chance at loving on another child - hopefully for a lifetime but even if only for a few months, why should I get to make that decision for them. It also helped to have support, to know people were keeping us in their prayers and thinking of our baby - helped make me feel less alone.

 I think what feels best for us is that we will keep our pregnancy between us, for a couple weeks, let an ultrasound or two (and/or be able to regularly use my doppler) make us feel more comfortable before we tell our families. I think it will be scary and nerve wracking at times and it will be so hard to keep it a secret but I almost think it will be nice to get to soak in some time with the pregnancy, enjoy having it be our little secret. Then once we are feeling more confident we will announce to our families and it will (hopefully) save them a little worry knowing we made it to X weeks too and hopefully give them some reassurance with things like ultrasounds and my doppler.

I know that everyone has a different way to deal with these things, and ultimately you do what is best for you and your family - not what a magazine or even the main stream tells you. If I am being completely honest here, I didn't really know what felt best when I started writing this post, which is why I wanted to write and organize my thoughts in the first place. Look what came out of it (aside from a massive post, oh gosh, I think I need to implement shorter posts once in a while haha)