Only a few days until my expected period but with my temps slowly dropping over the last few days it is as guaranteed as it can get that I'm not pregnant. I'm beyond disappointed and so frustrated with everything, today is going to be a rough day and I wish I wasn't working today because all I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry.
I just don't understand what went wrong, what is wrong with me? We did everything right and my chart looked perfect, instead its just another failure. Another month that we didn't conceive and I am having such a hard time with it, I was so optimistic for this month. Now I feel like a complete idiot for dreaming with Dyl about a December baby or how we'd surprise or families and friends. I feel so embarrassed that I have a little box ready to go in hopes of surprising him with our positive. Why is it so hard for us? (okay, us and all the other well deserving couples waiting for their babies) WHY? WHY? WHY? When anyone else can just “oops I'm pregnant” we're struggling so much. I just don't know what to do and I don't understand.
Another month where I'll get to watch my husband be a wonderful Uncle to the little ones that make me Aunty, there isn't a part of me that doesn't think he'll be an amazing Dad. Another month where I'll be silently taunted by the world around me, how everyone but me can have a baby without any effort. Another month knowing how wanted OUR baby is and having no way to bring that baby into this world – forget how badly I want this baby, my parents have been waiting so patiently for us to give them another grandchild, one that stays here. Another month where I'll be bitter and jealous, where I'll get snarky “how will you have a kid when you can't handle XYZ” when I know how different it'll be when it's MY BABY. I don't want to go to work, sit at the front desk and watch crappy parents treat their children badly, or even better deal with an appointment where I'm supposed to capture happy memories of a child who is going to grow up with some sort of complex because their parents have NO IDEA how to talk to a CHILD. Ugh, but no matter where I go I'm going to be taunted, I guess I'm used to that by now – nearly four years since loosing our sweet boy, its become almost second nature dealing with it but still, ugh.
I know there is always the chance we did conceive but at this point I'm not holding onto hope.
Sorry for the crappy update, I was really hoping this next post would include confetti, excitement and a positive pregnancy test. Oh well.
No comments:
Post a Comment