I feel pregnant, sometimes barely but I
honestly feel pregnant. Its making me crazy and I keep trying to hold
down my hopes – this isn't the first time my period has gone
haywire. Its just a matter of time before it shows up, hopefully
sooner rather than later but who really knows anymore with my body.
Work is a giant, ugly tease. I'm a
photographer, a family photographer and I know going to work means
I'll be capturing some wonderful memories for these families. I love
that about my job, I honestly do, but it gets really tough seeing all
these families (or pregnant women, or small children ect.) & have
to fight away my aching heart all while doing my job. What makes it a
million times worse is when I have to deal with the type of parents
that, to put it nicely, I don't agree with their “parenting”.
Clearly I have no basis to put my ideas of parenting on, never having
done so but a lot of things that I see in my studio (or at the front
desk) I just can't agree with even when I'm so desperately trying to
keep an open mind. Either way though, its hard.
Yesterday a mom, while her kid had a
meltdown over our vacuum told me to never have kids. Yes, then she
told her son, across my studio that he was making people not want to
have kids – he was under three. I wanted so badly to tell her how
much I've struggled, that for the last four years I've wanted what
she so easily dismisses as a burden. It made my head spin, but
instead I finished her order and sent her on her way. I absolutely
couldn't believe it and while I know she has no idea who I am or how
much I've struggled – heck to her I probably looked way too young
to even be in the position that I am (people usually mistake me as a
high school student) it shows how little people think before they
speak.
I don't know anymore, at this point I'm
just so tired of waiting.
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