Trying Again

When the doctors came around to see us in the hospital the day after we delivered our silent baby boy I eventually mustered the courage to ask “When can we try again?” with which we were told to wait at least six months for my body to heal from the trauma caused by the placental abruption, of course we obliged.

However waiting was incredibly difficult for me because my body and mind wanted so badly for a baby, no matter how much my mind protested, we continued to wait until we were cleared to try again. But when the six month mark came along my husband and I decided we were not ready to try – not right away at least. So we waited, patiently, for our hearts to tell us it was time to try again.

Which, I don't know about you but my mind does this ridiculous cycle where if we chose to wait my mind would plead how badly it wanted a baby but when the idea of trying to conceive was in the air my mind would react with anxiety and a sensation of impending doom. I blame a part of this on cold-feet (think pre-wedding gitters?) but pair that with the fear of loosing another – like most who experience the loss of a child, there is a fear of the unknown, the What If's?. What if there is another placental abruption? What if we loose another child? What if we loose me too? What if X,Y,Z happens instead? The list can go on forever...

It has taken me this long and sometimes longer depending on the day, to realize that no amount of worrying will impact the What If's? because, especially with our situation (along with so many) there was very little time between preventing and too late. While the medical world is incredibly advanced and continues to move forward it cannot 100% predict or prevent maternal or fetal death but I can't wait for the day that happens. These situations can happen to anyone; from someone who is blissfully unaware to someone like me who is hyper-aware.

For us it took almost a year and a half after loosing our son before we were ready to try again, after the ectopic pregnancy it took us another year as my cycles went haywire ~ although a good amount of that can be blamed on the eventual PCOS diagnosis. Remember that you need to do what is right for you and your family, some will wait the minimum recovery time while others may take longer, as long as you know in your heart you (along with your partner) are ready then there is no wrong in that decision regardless what anyone else may think or say.