We had just gotten past our first cycle on Clomid when my sister in-law announced her pregnancy, she was very gentle and called to make sure we heard it from her first. Realistically, I couldn't be angry but I spent a good while feeling very down about the news.
Needless to say, I handled it much better then I expected; in 2009 only a few months after loosing our precious son two of our sisters in-law (my brother's wife & my husband's sister) announced their pregnancies – their due dates just barely missing our son's one year 'anniversary' it was rough and I had a hard time dealing with all of it back then. Throw in the handful of friends and coworkers that found themselves pregnant both recently as well as back in 2009 and I can't help but feel a little bit like a seasoned pro. It's not that I've ever actually wished our circumstances on anyone, but the 'why us?' screamed louder in my mind with each announcement. Why was it so difficult for us?
I felt like a failure each time, as if the happiest moment in another persons life was really just someone viciously rubbing salt into a very bad, very open wound. I felt frustrated and filled with jealousy, I was devastated and painfully bitter. I hid away as much as I could, drowning myself in my raging emotions, when I had to I'd bottle everything up inside of me and clutch onto my aching heart tightly until I was alone and able to fall apart. I was very lucky to have the wonderful husband I have, he has every day since loosing our son held me up when I couldn't stand. He listens to me when I need to talk and calms the storm within me when I can't pull myself together – I know I'm incredibly blessed to have him at my side but none the less I struggled.
Slowly I came to realize (and being completely honest, this realization only happened recently) that it had nothing to do with me. No one was intentionally trying to hurt me and very few knew how poorly I was handling it. But eventually I got to a point where I was excited for them, worried but happy. I'm a very proud Auntie to two sweet little toddlers who I adore and I couldn't imagine my life without them in it, they'll never know how much they challenged and changed me.
Its tough and even now I have moments, heck I have full days where its tough to see little ones or pregnant Mama's but it has gotten better. With the news of my newest niece or nephew expected to arrive in March 2012 I know there will be rough days but the excitement of becoming an Auntie to five is still there burning brightly.
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