As if swallowing the thought of (possibly) never having a child isn't difficult enough, as a couple facing infertility there are so many things that just make this struggle a little bit harder - I just wanted to write some of them out. I ask that anyone reading, please do not take this offensively I am able to recognize that people don't do these things maliciously (or at least, majority don't) it just comes with the territory.
1. "You're not pregnant yet?" or any variation of the like; I know people are curious and for the most part it doesn't occur to most that someone they know may be dealing with infertility ( heck, in the past I'm sure I've done it without thinking) but when I hear that question my heart drops a little and I wonder how to best answer the question which usually leads to an awkward pause and a no. For the most part, and this goes for our losses as well as our infertility, I don't share with others - when I do it is a big deal and generally means I value and trust you. It takes a lot of consideration, a lot of wondering how to best share something so personal and for me, I worry about how someone else will handle our story.
2. "I'm pregnant!!" every pregnancy announcement, and every pregnant woman or mother, is a little reminder of all the things we pray and hope for, and every heart break we have felt over not getting pregnant. I get jealous, I over-analyze them and wonder what is so wrong with us? What did we do wrong that they got right? and I know logically that it has nothing to do with us, that their pregnancy and happiness isn't an attack on our struggles. But it is hard to hear and see, when you so desperately wish it was you too.
3. People who complain about their pregnancy/child drive me mad, and again I can recognize that it is difficult to be a parent. I'm sure things get frustrating and depending on the outlet I understand there could be a need to complain. However, standing on the outside looking in I am reminded of a quote "The things that you take for granted, someone else is wishing for" and it kind of sucks for the person wishing to listen to what seems like trivial complaints - Um sort of off topic, but I have dropped 'wishing' for nonsense all together, I don't 'wish for a new car!' or 'wish my hair looked like that' and it irks me when people do that while all I am thinking of is that there are people wishing for so much more than this - wishing for a cure, wishing for warmth or food at the end of the day, wishing for something that makes these little things seem so insignificant.
4. "Don't worry, you're young" oh my goodness how I hate hearing that. Yes, I am young and I realize that I have a lot of life ahead of me but that doesn't change or diminish how much I want to be a mother or how good of a mother I will be. I know people are trying to be comforting but at the same time I don't want to "focus on my career" or "go traveling" I know a lot of young couples do these things and that they are happy with where their lives are and that is so good for them. But I'm talking about me and my marriage, we have decided we want to start our family and just because things are difficult for us means we should just be happy because we are "young" no, not okay with that.
5. "Just relax" we have actually tried "just relaxing" and it didn't do us any good. However I do try to avoid getting stressed out over our cycles, I don't personally try to plan our sex but I do watch for certain indications and if we happen to have sex great! But when you are taking fertility medication there is actually a window that you SHOULD be having sex or why bother putting your body through the medication and suddenly "just relax" can't happen, and even if you aren't on fertility medication there is a certain part of your cycle that gives you your best chance at conception and missing it means another month wasted.
6. and, finally the monthly roller coaster you seem to live on; right after your period you start tracking your cycle, you hope that ovulation will come along and you think, maybe we actually timed things out right. Then you sit in the two week wait, wondering if it is still too early to test and wait?! was that a symptom? did this happen last month? Scouring forums and blogs for stories like yours, stories that end with a baby. You start to feel hopeful that this could be it, finally, figuring out your possible due date and imagining how your life will change then. You review your chart and things look great, you really start to think that this month might be it and you begin imagining telling your husband and your families - how excited everyone will be. Then the temp drops, or you get that negative test, or your period comes along and while you realize that you still have a chance next month, you grieve and cry, wondering what went wrong. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I am sure there is so much more, but my mind has started to wander and I think I should close this before I start to really ramble.
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