To: Angel Mommas

I may be holding my miracle, my rainbow baby, now but it wasn't always that way.

I was once there; days, weeks, months shortly after loosing our son, so devastated and so heart broken. I looked for others like me and I remember feeling so very defeated when I'd read "it never gets better" because Lord, I needed it to get a little bit better. I needed to be able to survive in this world. I read the words you write, I remember those feelings so vividly, that heart ache that no one but those like us can understand and the sadness watching others have what you so desperately wish you could experience.

I would be in the loss community and read things like "having your rainbow baby will make it easier" and I'd feel that much more trapped in my grief as we struggled for three years to conceive our miracle Lilly, loosing two more little ones along the way. I'd read things like that and wonder if I would ever be happy again if we never had our rainbow baby - the truth is yes, yes I could and while it is an incredible experience to finally hold our little miracle and finally have her here. I did find small ways to be happy.

The truth is, it will never go away. You are always going to miss your child, there will always be one (or three..) missing. You'll remember their due dates and their birth dates, you'll recount happier moments of your time together, you'll do the same with the sad and difficult ones too. Every October 28th I begin to recall every moment leading up to his birth, that was his due date and the next day he was born silent. I pause every time I see a mother with four children, I count out their ages and wonder if that would've been us.

our sweet boy's special ornament and his precious prints in the background

Our son, would be 6 years old, he would be in school - he would be so big now. A little one lost to ectopic, he or she would've been 4 years old in November. The baby we lost to miscarriage, he or she would be considered Irish twins with our miracle Lilly. I would have my hands very full if they were all here, I would have my hands full if even just our son was here with us. I see older siblings with the baby of their family and wonder if our son would've been that way with his little baby sister. I picture him here with us all the time, his thin frame just like his daddy and his beautiful blonde curls.

That will never go away, in some ways I'm glad because I know without a doubt how much I loved our babies - no matter how much time we had together in this world, they were here - that ache in my heart tells me how real it was. But you'll laugh again, you'll be able to think and talk about your angel without crumbling at the seams. You'll also think or talk about them and cry, and that is normal.

together at a pregnancy & infant loss awareness event 2010

It is also okay to not feel okay, to feel sad and angry, to miss your baby. You are allowed to feel this way, no matter what the circumstances of your loss or the amount of time you had together. You are a mother, you are a father. your baby isn't here and that is still wrong. It is normal to feel the way you're feeling but please, know it will get easier. Not right away, never 100%, but you'll get to a point where it won't be as hard.

If you do have your rainbow baby, it is truly an incredible experience, words can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to be her mom. Not a day goes by that I am not absolutely grateful that I get to hold her and love her.

I'm going to close this, to avoid me repeating myself, but know you're not alone and I think of you, I pray for you.

Don't loose hope.

xo, Anne

Top 5 Pregnancy Needs

If I were to go through my pregnancy again I would have probably given into maternity clothes sooner or maybe opted for a true pregnancy pillow. But when it comes to my pregnancy there were a handful of things that I couldn't have survived without and that definitely helped me relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I had a very high risk pregnancy, ugly history of loss and was on some sort of bed rest the entire time, although it was absolutely worth it and I would gladly do it all over again just to have her in my arms - sometimes it was really hard. These are my top five life savers, or at least sanity savers.

1. My amazing husband, from listening to my every worry to bonding with our baby girl long before she was born. Many worried trips to the hospital and lots of prayers - I could not have survived without the understanding, support and love from my husband.

Check out my weekly photo project here

2. A pregnancy project, I did a pretty big one consisting of three different photos every week and a big update but I love being able to look back and remember how I felt at 9 weeks or what we were doing at 32 weeks. I can't count the number of days I spent scared out of my mind but this project helped me focus on the positive and the right here and now. For a little moment each week I focused on being pregnant today and stopped focusing on those terrible "what ifs".

3. My doppler, this is very much the kind of item that you need to decide what is best for your family. For me it was a life saver, I got mine here for $50 and they've since released newer versions but even my basic one was great. I spoke with my ob several times and he was very supportive of my use of our doppler but I still tried to limit it to a need basis. Sometimes that was often and other times I could get through a few days, but because of the loss of our son - I was on edge from beginning to end, this was my little bit of sanity. Without having to run to my ob or the hospital every day, if I was scared all it took was 30 seconds to find her heartbeat and time it, pretty quick form of relief.

Check out their channels: Missy Lanning and Heidi Kim

4. Netflix/YouTube, both were great ways to spend my days on bed rest. I could load up a show or movie on Netflix and keep my mind away from the worries but I especially loved having the YouTube community as a mom pregnant after loss. I can't even count the number of times I watched Missy and Heidi, telling myself that they did it - they went through losses like mine and have their rainbows, it was possible. I found so much hope through their stories :)

Keep your eyes out for a review on my favorite pregnancy/baby apps in the near future!

5. Some sort of pregnancy app, specifically one with a forum. Not only was it great to be able to read and track what was going on while pregnant, being in community of women (and some men) expecting baby's in the same month as you was a great experience for me. From finding support from the other women to seeing just how 'normal' I really am despite the high worries. By the time I delivered Lilly I was involved in a handful of other communities with likeminded women; like crafting and c-section mommas for example.

I also want to throw in having an incredible obstetrician, he has followed us from the very beginning of our journey to baby number two, having our ob so supportive and so understanding of my history and how I am - was amazing, I'm very lucky.

Anywho, these things are definitely individually based, very much a this is what worked for me but when you're going into the stress of high risk pregnancy or pregnancy after loss - it is kind of nice to hear about what worked for others.

xo, Anne

Cycle Emotions

We are on cycle 4 of ttc since our miscarriage last October (or cycle 38 since we started this journey) and first I want to say that I can't believe we have been trying than long - thirty eight long months of waiting and wishing, negative tests and disappointment, thirty eight months. My temps are confusing me a little, in theory I ovulated last Friday but I'll have to see how the temps are in the coming days. Regardless I'm not feeling too hopeful for this cycle, I'm not even sure why as we've obviously been doing our part and I've been adding some pregnancy super foods to the diet along with the constant prenatal vitamin - there is always a little hope but I don't feel as good about it this month compared to others. If I am not pregnant, my next cycle should start on the 28th and ugh I'm starting to feel really desperate to be pregnant - I'm terrified the ticking clock on my regular cycles will run out and  when I miscarried I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before the due date came. I was due May 13th, as April continues to trickle by I can't help imaging how different our lives would be if I hadn't miscarried. My heart is so broken knowing that we are still so far away from that happiness and I'm not sure how I am going to keep it together when May arrives and I am not only without our baby but not pregnant either.

I've been such a complete mess this cycle, more than usual I have been thinking about our son - not that he ever leaves my mind but he isn't always in my thoughts this way. I have been thinking so much about the little man he would be now, 4 going on 5, preparing for school this fall, he would be tall and with me not working right now I can't stop thinking about what we would be doing together. I just can't wait to be wanted, you know the way mom is always best, when they could be sick or sad and only want mom and once she is there everything else is okay. I want that so badly it is tearing down the very walls I built around my heart to keep this pain in so quickly I can barely catch my breath. I just want to be a mom and not being a mom is really taking its toll on my emotions lately.

I have started to look into a few things that we may do differently next cycle - I'm not really putting high expectations into it but at the same time I've been reading up on a few things and feel like this is the right step to take before we consider going back on Clomid. But I'll ride out this two week wait first and hopefully, all of the emotions and planning for next cycle won't matter because we will be pregnant (I can hope right, aha).

xo, Anne.

Blog Structure

I feel sort of awkward writing this, I mean, how many people are reading this? But lately I've been thinking that I want more for this blog than the here-and-there posts about my currently empty uterus. Obviously my fertility, our losses and hopeful pregnancy were always the intended subjects but lately I have been thinking of ways to add more; I process a lot of things here but there is so much that still gets left out because it isn't the usual optimistic, hopeful-Anne that seems to hang around the blog and that isn't because I am trying to appear better than I am, it happens because by the time I sit down to write, my emotions have been blurted out, ugly-cried over and talked out with my husband. So the blog typically gets the best of the whole process and I don't think that is fair, heck I'd probably want to punch me if I stumbled upon this blog because infertility and loss aren't always this hope-filled experience, sometimes it really sucks and those emotions deserve just as much attention here because anyone struggling with these things knows all too well how much we mask behind smiles - this is my blog, I'm not at a dinner or an event, this is my private place that you are coming to so if it gets ugly... well at least I'm not doing this during a baby shower, kidding ;) but you're always welcome to click away.

So, I think it is about time we get a little more real here, I'm going to bring back a little 'Truth Is' that I had started doing last year, thinking of adding a few other things/possibly side-stepping away from pregnancy, and I am going to start writing without holding back (it's already started since our miscarriage, then there are things like Infertility Sucks and some of the upcoming posts I have sitting in queue that will not be the typical Anne) It's going to get very real, but if this blog does anything to help the loss/infertility community gain awareness that our struggles and pain are very real - then so be it.

xo, Anne.

The Ground?

Recently I read back through my posts, apologies for how dark things got after my miscarriage - I try to stay hopeful and positive but things were bad and I suppose that not only is that normal but it is fair to me, I deserve to honestly and truly sort through my emotions and my blog is kind of an appropriate place to do it. Anyway, as I was reading back I noticed that I seem to reference this proverbial "ground"; the feeling of my body meeting the pavement, the dirt and rocks burning into my skin, the cold and hard ground unwelcoming while I lay there trying to catch my breath - is kind of how I deal with things.

Want a little Truth Is? ... every single time something bad happens I imagine this scene. I probably should think it is strange, but it helps me to focus on something else while I sort through whatever difficulties have come along. It also helps me imagine my strength coming together as I drag my aching body up to fight again. To imagine steadying myself, ready to face whatever is coming at me next.

Weird? probably, but it helps me and I suppose that is where the frequent reference comes from.

Infertility - It Sucks!

As if swallowing the thought of (possibly) never having a child isn't difficult enough, as a couple facing infertility there are so many things that just make this struggle a little bit harder - I just wanted to write some of them out. I ask that anyone reading, please do not take this offensively I am able to recognize that people don't do these things maliciously (or at least, majority don't) it just comes with the territory.

1. "You're not pregnant yet?" or any variation of the like; I know people are curious and for the most part it doesn't occur to most that someone they know may be dealing with infertility ( heck, in the past I'm sure I've done it without thinking) but when I hear that question my heart drops a little and I wonder how to best answer the question which usually leads to an awkward pause and a no. For the most part, and this goes for our losses as well as our infertility, I don't share with others - when I do it is a big deal and generally means I value and trust you. It takes a lot of consideration, a lot of wondering how to best share something so personal and for me, I worry about how someone else will handle our story.

2. "I'm pregnant!!" every pregnancy announcement, and every pregnant woman or mother, is a little reminder of all the things we pray and hope for, and every heart break we have felt over not getting pregnant. I get jealous, I over-analyze them and wonder what is so wrong with us? What did we do wrong that they got right? and I know logically that it has nothing to do with us, that their pregnancy and happiness isn't an attack on our struggles. But it is hard to hear and see, when you so desperately wish it was you too.

3. People who complain about their pregnancy/child drive me mad, and again I can recognize that it is difficult to be a parent. I'm sure things get frustrating and depending on the outlet I understand there could be a need to complain. However, standing on the outside looking in I am reminded of a quote "The things that you take for granted, someone else is wishing for" and it kind of sucks for the person wishing to listen to what seems like trivial complaints - Um sort of off topic, but I have dropped 'wishing' for nonsense all together, I don't 'wish for a new car!' or 'wish my hair looked like that' and it irks me when people do that while all I am thinking of is that there are people wishing for so much more than this - wishing for a cure, wishing for warmth or food at the end of the day, wishing for something that makes these little things seem so insignificant.

4. "Don't worry, you're young" oh my goodness how I hate hearing that. Yes, I am young and I realize that I have a lot of life ahead of me but that doesn't change or diminish how much I want to be a mother or how good of a mother I will be. I know people are trying to be comforting but at the same time I don't want to "focus on my career" or "go traveling" I know a lot of young couples do these things and that they are happy with where their lives are and that is so good for them. But I'm talking about me and my marriage, we have decided we want to start our family and just because things are difficult for us means we should just be happy because we are "young" no, not okay with that.

5. "Just relax" we have actually tried "just relaxing" and it didn't do us any good. However I do try to avoid getting stressed out over our cycles, I don't personally try to plan our sex but I do watch for certain indications and if we happen to have sex great! But when you are taking fertility medication there is actually a window that you SHOULD be having sex or why bother putting your body through the medication and suddenly "just relax" can't happen, and even if you aren't on fertility medication there is a certain part of your cycle that gives you your best chance at conception and missing it means another month wasted.

6. and, finally the monthly roller coaster you seem to live on; right after your period you start tracking your cycle, you hope that ovulation will come along and you think, maybe we actually timed things out right. Then you sit in the two week wait, wondering if it is still too early to test and wait?! was that a symptom? did this happen last month? Scouring forums and blogs for stories like yours, stories that end with a baby. You start to feel hopeful that this could be it, finally, figuring out your possible due date and imagining how your life will change then. You review your chart and things look great, you really start to think that this month might be it and you begin imagining telling your husband and your families -  how excited everyone will be. Then the temp drops, or you get that negative test, or your period comes along and while you realize that you still have a chance next month, you grieve and cry, wondering what went wrong. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am sure there is so much more, but my mind has started to wander and I think I should close this before I start to really ramble.

Truth is...

The truth is I'm probably a little bit of a POAS addict.. anyone scratching their heads? Yeah, I'd probably still be peeing on tests if I had an unlimited access to them. Some scoff at this idea, "you're pregnant, leave it alone" but that little reminder that our baby is still okay is every bit of relief that you could imagine. I've been through my share of loss and while I know I have little control in it, I deserve comfort in my worry the same that those who are blissfully unaware find comfort in that (which I've mentioned before isn't a bad thing! just isn't me anymore).

Six positives, symptoms still giving me a beating and a little confidence that this is our time get me through the days. 33 weeks and some change before we are holding our sweet baby, I can't wait for May.

ETA: What? thought 'Truth is Tuesday's' ended when I got my positive? It probably wont be every Tuesday anymore, but I am planning for once a month at least.

Truth Is...

The truth is, I am unbelievably excited to announce our (hopefully soon) pregnancy to our families.

Surprising them, watching their faces process the news and finally their reactions. I can't wait.

Truth is...

The truth is I hate my body. I hate the way my body looks and I hate the ways I feel it has betrayed me.
I can appreciate that it keeps me alive, which is great and as far as appearance is concerned it isn't THAT bad but it is bad enough. I have the body of a Mom but to the outside world, those that have no knowledge of our precious son, with no baby in sight, do they wonder what happened to me?
I'm twenty something, I know I had and intend to have my children young and of course your body will change with pregnancy. It just would've been nice if I could have maintained the body I once had considering that the majority of my former self disappeared the day we lost our son. Would've been nice to have a little piece of me left over.
I'm trying to work on it, but it is hard.

Truth is...

The truth is I'm completely dreading the day I go into labor & delivery at our hospital and face answering the routine questions "is this your first pregnancy?" which follows with "how many living children do you have?"

3rd.
None.

Then needing to explain everything and the awkward silence that will more than likely follow. It's not that I'm ashamed of our precious baby, the circumstances surrounding his loss or the struggles we have faced since it's just that I don't want to explain all of this to a complete stranger.

'Truth is" Tuesdays

I saw this on a little forum somewhere and thought this would be a great way to drop a small post of absolute real. No organized thoughts or overly optimistic Anne - just a little snippet of my mind, starting with the words "Truth is..." and it is going to get real. It is a no holds barred post and could include anything from loss to trying to conceive, the frustrations or worries, even happy things or silly things. Just a little piece of real, right from my mind to the blog.

I'll reserve these posts for Tuesdays only, at least twice a month although I would like to have them posted every week.