To: Angel Mommas

I may be holding my miracle, my rainbow baby, now but it wasn't always that way.

I was once there; days, weeks, months shortly after loosing our son, so devastated and so heart broken. I looked for others like me and I remember feeling so very defeated when I'd read "it never gets better" because Lord, I needed it to get a little bit better. I needed to be able to survive in this world. I read the words you write, I remember those feelings so vividly, that heart ache that no one but those like us can understand and the sadness watching others have what you so desperately wish you could experience.

I would be in the loss community and read things like "having your rainbow baby will make it easier" and I'd feel that much more trapped in my grief as we struggled for three years to conceive our miracle Lilly, loosing two more little ones along the way. I'd read things like that and wonder if I would ever be happy again if we never had our rainbow baby - the truth is yes, yes I could and while it is an incredible experience to finally hold our little miracle and finally have her here. I did find small ways to be happy.

The truth is, it will never go away. You are always going to miss your child, there will always be one (or three..) missing. You'll remember their due dates and their birth dates, you'll recount happier moments of your time together, you'll do the same with the sad and difficult ones too. Every October 28th I begin to recall every moment leading up to his birth, that was his due date and the next day he was born silent. I pause every time I see a mother with four children, I count out their ages and wonder if that would've been us.

our sweet boy's special ornament and his precious prints in the background

Our son, would be 6 years old, he would be in school - he would be so big now. A little one lost to ectopic, he or she would've been 4 years old in November. The baby we lost to miscarriage, he or she would be considered Irish twins with our miracle Lilly. I would have my hands very full if they were all here, I would have my hands full if even just our son was here with us. I see older siblings with the baby of their family and wonder if our son would've been that way with his little baby sister. I picture him here with us all the time, his thin frame just like his daddy and his beautiful blonde curls.

That will never go away, in some ways I'm glad because I know without a doubt how much I loved our babies - no matter how much time we had together in this world, they were here - that ache in my heart tells me how real it was. But you'll laugh again, you'll be able to think and talk about your angel without crumbling at the seams. You'll also think or talk about them and cry, and that is normal.

together at a pregnancy & infant loss awareness event 2010

It is also okay to not feel okay, to feel sad and angry, to miss your baby. You are allowed to feel this way, no matter what the circumstances of your loss or the amount of time you had together. You are a mother, you are a father. your baby isn't here and that is still wrong. It is normal to feel the way you're feeling but please, know it will get easier. Not right away, never 100%, but you'll get to a point where it won't be as hard.

If you do have your rainbow baby, it is truly an incredible experience, words can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to be her mom. Not a day goes by that I am not absolutely grateful that I get to hold her and love her.

I'm going to close this, to avoid me repeating myself, but know you're not alone and I think of you, I pray for you.

Don't loose hope.

xo, Anne