Happy Mothers Day

My journey to motherhood hasn't been simple, but if there is one thing I can take from it is a deepened appreciation for motherhood - even on the worse days or the sleepless nights I am still so very blessed. I am lucky. This will never be something I take for granted.

The winding roads of my journey to motherhood also gifted me with a love for my fellow mothers, all mothers. So in honor of mothers day, I want to celebrate you and I want to remind you to celebrate yourself too.

No matter where you may be in your journey to motherhood, you are a mother. This is your day.

Happy mothers day.

xo, Anne.

5 Things I'd do Different

I may have had more time than some to day dream of the kind of mom I would one day become but like most parents there are a few things that I would like to do differently with our next child (really these are things that if I knew then what I know now I probably would have tried to do differently with Lilly too, but she's only one so I have plenty of time to work on the things I can implement now). Anyway here are my five!

1. Don't rush.
While I do believe I have and continue to soak up and enjoy every bit of my tiny baby girl I had a hard time not thinking of how things would be easier, simpler. "Once she has head control I won't worry so much about others holding her" "if she was able to walk I could put her down safely while I do laundry" ect. I was so filled with worry that I often looked forward to reaching a milestone that appeared to be the answer to my worries. Now that I have some experience under my belt those worries seem SO trivial and it makes me sad that I didn't spend that time enjoying more (If I could've fit in even more haha)

2. Worry less.

You hear it all the time "all moms worry" and it's true but paired with my anxiety once I exhausted the normal things my mind would stress over ridiculous things like ghosts and baby stealers (what?). I was, and sometimes still am, in a constant state of stress that SOMETHING bad is going to happen and it just takes away joy. So within the realm of realistic expectations, elimate what you can and ANNE CHOOSE TO WORRY LESS. 

3. Make it simple. 

I have a baby book, online journal, notepads on the desk AND cellphone, the monthly chalkboards for her first year, family year book, a calendar on my cellphone and in our home ect. Which made for a REALLY exhausting game of collecting all the information any time I would want to write something down. Pick one, maybe two and leave it at that. There is no need for stress over this (See number 2 above).

4. Breastfeed - with confidence & in comfort.

Before I was pregnant with our daughter I thought that I was going to exclusively pump, years ago I didn't even see breastfeeding as a priority. Anyway fastforward to now, 15 months breastfeeding  (though only at night now) and it is such a blessing that we were able to but I've also learnt a little over the months. I ordered a cheap nursing pillow and it does the job but a good supportive pillow would've been a nice splurge to keep a good position and help hold a sleeping baby.  Speaking of position, enforce a good latch - I let this slide with our daughter thinking I could handle the pain but I think it could've avoided issues with biting later on. If nothing else just to feel confident in my ability to nurse and my breastfeeding choices. Also cloth nursing pads, disposable didn't sound too bad until I was wearing them for over a year. 

5. Prep Early.
I am a holiday junkie, I love it all and have spent SO long thinking of the things we would do at Christmas or Easter, how her first birthday would go and what her first Halloween costume would be. But I'd let the weeks slip by, so sure that time wasn't flying by as quickly as it felt then the next thing I know it's a week before and I have barely started. This essentially boils down to eliminating stress (see number 2), these are realy important to me so they deserve more time even if that means starting a couple months ahead.

So here are mine, what are your five things you'd do differently? If you don't have children here yet, what are five thing you'd like to do as a parent?

See you Monday!
xo, Anne

Goodbye 2012

I know that there were some good moments sprinkled into 2012 but when I think back on the last year I feel as though someone has literally knocked the breath right out of me. It has been a hard year, while I wrote about my missed miscarriage and the difficulties we have had dealing with the loss of another baby that was so very wanted I didn't write about a lot of the other things that had me gasping for a chance to pull myself together. Oh what a year it has been and I feel it is just that, a year, sometimes you have amazing years and I guess sometimes you get a rough year but nevertheless we have our health and our wonderful families so I know I am still so very blessed.

Goodbye 2012, if nothing else I have only come out stronger and more determined - in all aspects and I hope, pray and believe that 2013 will be an amazing year.

1. Become a Mom

Well, that goes without saying but now that I know that I CAN get pregnant I have a boost of faith that it will happen, if not on its own then with the help of Clomid but I truly do believe and want this to be our year.

2. Love Myself Again

It's not that I actually hate myself but I want to really accept and embrace the woman I am now; physically, emotionally, mentally.. the whole package and stop getting so caught up in what I'm not.

3. Be and Stay Healthy

This would only add to number 2, but it is so much more than loving how I look - I want to feel healthy and I know the multitude of benefits that come with being healthy is so worth the effort. 

4. Date My Husband, Again

Life gets in the way and we have been together for so long now that I think we had both forgotten how great it felt when we used to take time for us. Lately we have really started to focus on spending time together, just us, doing whatever and I would love to keep this up and even pursue it more. 

5. Go to Church

I've avoided church because I couldn't handle seeing all the wonderful, happy families and look at the fragile shell I had become over the years of infertility and loss. I didn't want to go to church bitter and angry so I would hide behind work schedules but I know how much of an impact church does have on me and I would love to go back.

So there you go little blog, a happy little handful of resolutions for this upcoming year and I hope that this upcoming year is filled with all sorts of wonderful and amazing. Happy New Years!

Jingle All the Way

Here are a couple photos from my instagram of our holidays, despite how tough this year has been I wanted to really focus on making each moment count with my hubby (hoping this is our last Christmas as two).

 One particularly rough day Dyl and I decided to go for a photo walk, the city had just gotten a beautiful snow fall and the sun was shining. It was so cold but I loved every minute of it. We captured some amazing photos (which I promptly printed and framed when we got home!) and I loved watching Dyl take some photos with my camera as he usually wont.
We captured some amazing photos, which I printed and framed a couple of them once we got home! It was so wonderful to just step away from all the stress of the holidays and spend time doing something I love with someone I love so much.

    

During the week we went to pick out our Christmas tree, Dyl made a great choice and we brought home a big (and I mean BIG) Douglass Fir, definitely my best experience with a Christmas tree as the needles were stronger and it didn't require as much watering or upkeep as our previous trees. I felt like a little elf as we decorated around the house with my family, spreading a bit of the holidays into every corner of our home. Dyl hung the outside lights (I mostly handed clips to him & admired the view.. haha) By the next day the tree was fully decorated and we had lovingly hung two very special ornaments - a big ornament that represents our precious son in heaven and another that has or wedding invitation in it, I made it this year and love the way it turned out because no matter how it turns we see little parts of our special day - like our names for example.

Our puppy Rosalee turned four this December and absolutely loves the snow, she is always the last one to come in and we often catching her laying in the snow basking in the sunshine - her fur coat must be so warm because I'll be bundled up inside still a little cold while I wait for her to come in, our little snow ball.

We did quite a bit of baking, which isn't uncommon for the holidays, which included making ginger bread houses and ginger bread cookies with my family. I have a love/hate relationship with ginger bread houses though, you put so much effort into them and don't want to even touch them until they are way too hard to eat - seems like a waste, I'll have to come up with something for next time.

 Dyl's family was in charge of putting together a couples Christmas party at our church. It was so much fun to get all dressed up and spend some time with my in-laws. We saw so many people we knew from church, when we used to go more frequently (and especially as Dyl went for most of his life) and met some lovely people too. When we first sat down the table had to put together a little "stocking" for a local homeless shelter, we all giggled but it was really nice to know that someone who doesn't have all the blessings we sometimes take for granted, will have a little joy this year - I definitely sent some quite love with that "stocking". Dyl's family put on a little readers theatre, which Dyl was a part of, they all did so good and really reminded me what Christmas is really about. There was some singing, which I mumbled quietly while making awkward faces - I don't really sing nor do I think I am good at singing, and there was a delicious Christmas dinner accompanied with a bunch of goodies. We both really enjoyed the party and it was nice to spend some time with Dyl's family.

Somewhere between everything, we got our Christmas shopping done and I even made a tutu for our littlest niece. We watched a handful of Christmas movies and wrapped presents together, Dyl made me laugh so much! There was a lot of hot chocolate sipping, glasses filled with egg nog, bustling through busy stores and throwing snow at eachother, and shoveling snow haha - it was a good, albeit busy, December and I really didn't expect to soak in the month as much as I did.

I didn't take many/if any(?!) photos from our Christmas day with our families. We had an early Christmas eve, spent relaxing and snacking on deviled eggs and delicious soft cheese (among other things aha YUM) and opening presents with my family. I used to kind of resent how busy the holidays were for us, splitting the day with both of our families and wondered how I could possibly pull it off with our someday kids but this year I really fell in love with the way we manage. We are up and out of the house early, loading presents into the car for the drive to Dyl's sister's house. We open presents in the morning and spend time watching our nieces play and enjoy time with Dyl's family. They have an early dinner, more in the afternoon so we are able to play a game (while laughing A LOT) with Dyl's family before getting back into the car and driving home to have a late Christmas dinner with my family which is spent doing very similar to the morning as we watch our nephew play and spend time around my family. Like I said before, this year I really embraced how we end up managing Christmas between our families - I know it isn't for everyone and that there are so many different ways to spend the holidays between families but I really embraced it this year and  I can definitely picture doing this with our own children. The busy, rush of a day surrounded by all of our family (minus two nephew's who were with their dad) is exactly what I think I want out of Christmas.

We miss our babies and hope that next year we are holding (or about to have) our long awaited baby.
But, we are happy.

Merry Christmas

(via Post Secret)

This thought, this story, is exactly what is keeping my hopes up this year as another holiday with empty arms and an aching heart has arrived. The possibility has been mentioned by my family multiple times, that maybe next Christmas there will be another grandchild here. It is so encouraging to hear stories like this, it gives me a lot of hope and it also lets me know I am not alone in this wanting.

I am taking care of my body and slowly preparing for when we begin trying to conceive again, I am very hopeful that the New Year will be filled with all sorts of good and happiness.

Today and tomorrow, as our families celebrate Christmas I am deciding to enjoy the time with them. I will still miss my children, my heart will still ache for what I am missing with them had they been here, but I am going to try to really enjoy what I am surrounded by. It has been a really hard year for us and I am ready to just enjoy what I have. We are so blessed to have both of our families so close that we can spend the holidays with them so easily, I know we are so incredibly blessed - for that I am more than thankful.

Anywho Merry Christmas (to my blog? haha, so I can read back and acknowledge it?), may the holidays be gentle on our hearts as we ache for someone who isn't here to celebrate with us. May the holidays bring joy and happiness, and hope to those needing it.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, probably one of my least favorite holidays.

With the fresh wounds of a negative pregnancy test and no period in sight this year was nothing short of frustrating. Mother's Day is a beautiful day set aside to celebrate the Moms in our lives but for us (and I'm sure anyone struggling with loss/ttc) Mother's Day is just a big ugly reminder of what we don't have; our would-be-3year old son and the hopes of another pregnancy. I know loss makes people uncomfortable but it makes me so frustrated that barely anyone bothers to remember that we're parents too, that didn't change just because our baby went to heaven instead. I'm still a Mom.

I know I am so incredibly blessed that my family is always so good about it, never overwhelming but still including me, hugging me as we exchanged Happy Mother's Day to one another. My parents gave me a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers and I got a lovely card from my brother and his wifey. I don't think they realize that it means the world to me, it warms my heart and I hold onto those memories so tightly. I know there are so many out there that don't even get that much, I know I am so unbelievably blessed to have such a loving family.

We still celebrate the mothers in our lives and take the opportunity to shower them with love and appreciation - give me any day of the year and I adore letting people know how much I love & appreciate having them in our lives (I know I don't do it enough) it's just that it can be a little tough when the rest of the world seems to have forgotten that almost 4 years ago I was pregnant, that I fell in love with our unborn baby then never got to bring him home. Not to forget the years we've spent waiting, hoping, wishing that we could have a healthy and happy baby here with us. It's painful, it sucks.

So while it's a little bit late I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the many moms out there, the mommy's to-be, the grandmothers, the god mothers, the birth moms, the adoptive moms, foster moms and especially angel moms. Here's to us, all of us, while we face our own challenges we hold together a household. We are at the front line of the most difficult challenges, infertility and losses; we are the ones that bravely go forth into the valley of death to bring forth new life and I can't even begin to write all the many sacrifices each of us give to be mothers.

Here's to us, all of us, Happy (belated) Mother's Day - hope the day was lovely and peaceful. For those that didn't have that great of a day, you're far from alone and I hope so desperately that this is the last year any of us feel this way towards Mother's Day.