Christmas Eve

Good night Christmas 2018, goodness I am dragging my feet as I avoid going to bed. I’m not ready to put this magic away for another year. I’d take a couple extra days, there is so much more I would like to squeeze in. Things that I said no to because having a happy Mom is more important sometimes but I’m also not ready to stop. That’s not to imply that I haven’t been out of my mind busy, I spend my days and nights creating magic and becoming friends with the house elves, I take family pictures for ourselves and others too (ever wonder who is behind the camera there?)  and  work late into the night every night. I dance around curious questions and later have dance parties to Christmas music. I’m cranking out cookies and making sure everything we need is bought  I’m exhausted but on such a magical high that I don’t entirely feel it. Tomorrow is the best part, all of the anticipation and excitement, all of the planning and thought for each gift. Whoever said giving is better than getting was so right. Tomorrow is like the cherry on top of a deliriously good sundae but I still want to slow down and soak in as much as I can.

Merry Christmas and good night
Anne

Happy Mothers Day

My journey to motherhood hasn't been simple, but if there is one thing I can take from it is a deepened appreciation for motherhood - even on the worse days or the sleepless nights I am still so very blessed. I am lucky. This will never be something I take for granted.

The winding roads of my journey to motherhood also gifted me with a love for my fellow mothers, all mothers. So in honor of mothers day, I want to celebrate you and I want to remind you to celebrate yourself too.

No matter where you may be in your journey to motherhood, you are a mother. This is your day.

Happy mothers day.

xo, Anne.

Every Year

It begins without fail, October 28, our due date as the day passes by my mind replays the memories from years ago that lead up to the moment I became a mother to a sweet blonde boy with wings, a mother to an angel.

By now, 11:30pm I would have just pressed publish on a quick journal entry I wrote as a wave of gratitude washed over me. My due date was passing by quickly and I knew sometime soon we would get to hold and meet the little boy who made me mom. I felt so lucky, so blessed that we got so far, that he was healthy and that we would have our son.

I had no idea just hours later I would wake up in severe pain and soon hear the worst words a parent could hear.

October 29,2008 my world was changed forever.

xo, Anne

Two Pregnancies

Lots of parents do it, you'll see it on the blog and occasionally I may even bring it up among close family, but one of the things I have enjoyed doing while I was pregnant with Lilly and even now-a-days is fondly remember my pregnancy with our son and even compare the two pregnancies. To me it isn't a sad topic to think or even talk about, my pregnancy with our son is filled with some of the best memories I will ever have with him, it is one of the few ways that I can begin making a connection between my children, to me this is a very happy topic.

This is actually the first time I am sharing photos of my pregnancy with our sweet boy but also, sharing his name. An appropriate post as I make connections between our babies even though only Lillith is in my arms.

Although I carried similarly with both, very low, I showed a lot faster with my daughter. Some will say that is because this was a second pregnancy and my body was already stretched and knew what to do while it is also obvious that my body and weight too changed between the two. While our son spent majority of his time in my belly in the traditional position, our Lilly changed every week from transverse to frank breach and traditional breach, even head down near the end although always with her legs out in my ribs. Some will say that movements are so much stronger with boys but honestly I think it is just their personalities showing, maybe our little boy would've been the gentle, quiet one while our Lilly already can't wait to get moving.

Because I'm a fan of car rides (yes like a little kid) I always loved that our son would calm down during car rides while Lillith loved to wiggle and kick about at any time. We always speculated that our son would be one of those babies that a car ride was a guaranteed nap time while Lillith is hit or miss even when she is absolutely exhausted.

During the big anatomy ultrasound our sweet son was stubborn and shy, not letting us see he was a boy until a much later ultrasound while his little sister, although also terribly stubborn, had no problem letting us know she was a little girl. But both of them were often caught with a hand or arm stretched over their face which you can sometimes see their Daddy do when he falls asleep, although Lillith was often seen holding her hands at her chest or just below her face which she still does now.

A lot of people while wondering if their on team boy or team girl will ask about symptoms and differences people had with their pregnancies, hoping to get some sort of insight. I have seen people with completely different pregnancies have two of the same gender while I carried very similarly with both my son and my daughter - there are no hints here ;)

I craved a lot of the same things, all sorts of fruit and icey cold milk were favorites with both but my nausea was far worse with our daughter while the nausea I had while pregnant with our son was only really bad during the early weeks. Like I mentioned before, aside from showing earlier with Lilly I carried low and similarly with both pregnancies, but I found my back and hip pain far worse while pregnant with our son and my round ligament pains more frequent with our daughter.

Both of their fetal heart rates stayed above 140 bpm, a popular old wives tale that the above 140 bpm range meant a baby girl. But I do have to give a nod towards daughters stealing moms beauty, I wouldn't say I was ugly (because that is a horrible thing to say) but I know that I had some acne pop up and my hair was just not as cooperative (as much as curly hair ever is) when I was pregnant with Lilly but while carrying our son my hair was thick and soft, growing quickly and my skin was wonderful.

I could go on, it is just such a happy feeling to reminisce about our babies and a time where they were a part of me, while now they carry pieces of my heart with them.

xo, Anne.

Waiting for you..

Our journey to Lillith was far from the typical 9 months I carried her in my belly, it was months turned years of waiting and praying. Hoping and dreaming of our little baby, in August 2012 just after my last round of Clomid I had a dream that I would bring home a small dark haired baby girl. She was bundled up in pink and details of that dream were far from anything I could predict then. It was so vivid and so incredible, I believe I dreamt of her and Lord knows I needed it then, just months before my first positive pregnancy test in almost 3 years would end in miscarriage.

Who could have imagined that nine months after that dream, six months after that devastating miscarriage that I would be blessed with another positive test, this time without the Clomid just before we were about to give up. 

She's here, it has been such a challenging and difficult journey and I have had many dark days but holding her in my arms is amazing, there is light and there is hope.

xo, Anne.

Sharing our story

I have struggled many times dodging questions about our children, I don't know if it is worse now "Is this your first?" or before "do you even want kids?"

Sometimes I share and am pleasantly surprised by their reaction, a few years ago I shared with a coworker-turned-friend and the reaction was filled with love and support. Other times this happens and I withdraw deeper into myself convinced that those who have never experienced such heartache would never understand anyway, which is really unfair to myself and also unfair to those whose kind hearts and open minds allow for a special level of understanding.

But how do you judge that?

I often feel like I'm living a double life as I talk openly about all of our children at home, with our families and within the loss/pregnancy community. But out and about I try to make quick judgement, does the cashier at the grocery store really need to know? How about the lady at church that I see every week? It's hard sometimes and sometimes the line blurs between what seems like two worlds and things like "with my son..."  comes up before I have a chance to stop it, then I'm left standing there stumbling over my words and their questions.

I recently experienced sharing our son's story with my dental assistant, as I gracefully answered her questions I assumed I would be met with "I'm sorry" which is probably among the best replies someone can give - I mean, I realize and understand how difficult it must be to hear our story, or stories like ours, what do you say? Instead she went on to talk about her own loss, she had suffered a missed miscarriage many years ago and danced so delicately around mine, as if she felt that I had gone through so much worse than her. Many times in the loss community I have heard "but I wasn't as far as you" and when you get to forty weeks pregnant there isn't many that get as far or farther than I did with our son but that isn't truly how I feel about others. I have known the heart ache of an early ultrasound showing no heartbeat when only weeks before there was life, just as I have delivered and held my otherwise perfect son knowing he would never come home with us. When I get the opportunity to support someone who has suffered the pain of loosing a child, I feel blessed to have this story - as much as I wish no one had to loose, including myself, but if there has to be a world where amazing parents have to say good bye to their children then I am, with a broken heart, glad to be able to give more than a hushed "I'm sorry". She was so gentle with me and I can't even describe how my heart ached for her, had someone made her feel this way before? Had she spent this much time feeling like she (in her own words) overreacted? I stopped her immediately, no, don't take away from your loss just because I have suffered differently. You were pregnant, you were excited and in love with your child just as I was, you went in expecting a happy ultrasound and instead heard the worst thing a mother can hear. Please don't take away from yourself like that. We continued to talk and share our experiences, in ways that I'm sure neither of us often get to, by the end of my appointment my heart was so full. Like I said before, if this was how it had to be for me, with my son in heaven and everything else we had suffered through then I am blessed to be a beacon of hope and love to those that need it.

What if I hadn't shared with her? What if I quietly told her that our sweet Lilly was my only child and left it at that. Not only would I have taken away that experience from myself but I would also take away that brief moment where that woman could talk about her three children and not just the two seen in pictures. 

I have six years of "experience" and to be completely honest I still have difficulty trying to find a happy medium between when to share and when not to share. I wish there was a way to be marked for all to see, a way for those who can't handle it to look the other way while welcoming those who can or need it. Unfortunately I am learning that the only way to do so is by sharing, not that I always do and sometimes I wish I hadn't when I did while other times I am so glad to be able to give comfort and peace to someone else or find someone who can recognize that all I really want is to be able to talk about my children without feeling like a horror story. 

I should close this before I get carried away, if you're reading this and looking for ways to support someone you know here I haphazardly wrote what I felt were some of the best ways to do so.

xo, Anne.

Best!

I have written a few times, in shock, the horrendous things people have said to me after my losses and struggles trying to conceive and I was going to put a handful of the worst together to make a post. Until I realized that there is enough attention given towards the bad and not nearly enough good so this is five of the most uplifting and wonderful things people have gracefully said to me.

1.  "Don't loose hope" - ER nurse

I was in a daze, having just learnt that my second pregnancy would have to end (it was ectopic and regardless it wasn't viable) I held so tightly onto her words.

2. "No one can truly understand how YOU feel" - my parents

In the real world I know very few that have suffered similar experiences so I often excuse my overly-anxious behavior with "I'm just crazy". The reality is that these things have changed me and being told that they understood as much as they could has always been a comfort.

3. "You're so brave, you're so strong" - dental assistant

She doesn't even know our whole story, I am brave and strong for facing the loss we have and being able and willing to do it all again to bring our daughter into this world.

4. ANY TIME I can say "my son..."

What a gift to be able to talk about our journey without feeling like a 'bad omen' or a 'horror story'.

5. ANYTIME anyone asks about our son

I have been surprised when people don't shy away. When people want to know about him, not just about the circumstances surrounding our struggles and losses.

Instead of remembering all the horrible, thoughtless and mean things people have said let us remember the positive. What are some of the best things you have been told?

xo, Anne

Top 5 Pregnancy Needs

If I were to go through my pregnancy again I would have probably given into maternity clothes sooner or maybe opted for a true pregnancy pillow. But when it comes to my pregnancy there were a handful of things that I couldn't have survived without and that definitely helped me relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I had a very high risk pregnancy, ugly history of loss and was on some sort of bed rest the entire time, although it was absolutely worth it and I would gladly do it all over again just to have her in my arms - sometimes it was really hard. These are my top five life savers, or at least sanity savers.

1. My amazing husband, from listening to my every worry to bonding with our baby girl long before she was born. Many worried trips to the hospital and lots of prayers - I could not have survived without the understanding, support and love from my husband.

Check out my weekly photo project here

2. A pregnancy project, I did a pretty big one consisting of three different photos every week and a big update but I love being able to look back and remember how I felt at 9 weeks or what we were doing at 32 weeks. I can't count the number of days I spent scared out of my mind but this project helped me focus on the positive and the right here and now. For a little moment each week I focused on being pregnant today and stopped focusing on those terrible "what ifs".

3. My doppler, this is very much the kind of item that you need to decide what is best for your family. For me it was a life saver, I got mine here for $50 and they've since released newer versions but even my basic one was great. I spoke with my ob several times and he was very supportive of my use of our doppler but I still tried to limit it to a need basis. Sometimes that was often and other times I could get through a few days, but because of the loss of our son - I was on edge from beginning to end, this was my little bit of sanity. Without having to run to my ob or the hospital every day, if I was scared all it took was 30 seconds to find her heartbeat and time it, pretty quick form of relief.

Check out their channels: Missy Lanning and Heidi Kim

4. Netflix/YouTube, both were great ways to spend my days on bed rest. I could load up a show or movie on Netflix and keep my mind away from the worries but I especially loved having the YouTube community as a mom pregnant after loss. I can't even count the number of times I watched Missy and Heidi, telling myself that they did it - they went through losses like mine and have their rainbows, it was possible. I found so much hope through their stories :)

Keep your eyes out for a review on my favorite pregnancy/baby apps in the near future!

5. Some sort of pregnancy app, specifically one with a forum. Not only was it great to be able to read and track what was going on while pregnant, being in community of women (and some men) expecting baby's in the same month as you was a great experience for me. From finding support from the other women to seeing just how 'normal' I really am despite the high worries. By the time I delivered Lilly I was involved in a handful of other communities with likeminded women; like crafting and c-section mommas for example.

I also want to throw in having an incredible obstetrician, he has followed us from the very beginning of our journey to baby number two, having our ob so supportive and so understanding of my history and how I am - was amazing, I'm very lucky.

Anywho, these things are definitely individually based, very much a this is what worked for me but when you're going into the stress of high risk pregnancy or pregnancy after loss - it is kind of nice to hear about what worked for others.

xo, Anne

It Began with Us

As I continue on my never ending not-so-two-week wait I've decided I need a little bit of a shift in focus, I know that was the intentions of my little bucket list but I've always preferred to play on the safe side and wait until my period actually shows up JUST IN CASE – 'cause you know, shooting a gun might not be such a great idea if I am indeed lucky enough to be pregnant.

But I can't spend the next few days or weeks (oh my gosh, I sure hope not weeks) wondering if I am pregnant or falling apart because I think I'll never have children – nor do I think Dyl can keep up with the roller coaster of emotions; have I mentioned how lucky I am? I have no idea how I could possibly handle all of this without him, I don't know how I managed to get someone so wonderful to love me.

So anyway, in the best interest of, well, everyone I've decided to put more energy into 'us' projects. Instead of thinking about the random things I want to tackle whenever we do get pregnant or have a baby I'm going to stop and put together something for us. Maybe it'll be some custom art work or a recipe book filled with our favorites, but either way I want to put the focus back on now and even though we don't have children yet, I know how much I am going to regret looking back on these days and think of how much time I wasted wishing for a baby when I had something just as, if not more, special right in front of me.

I'm planning on posting here about us a bit more, while this blog is very much our journey to having a baby as well as our lives after loosing our precious son – it is still about 'us', before our baby boy or any other sweet little ones that we pray will come into our lives it was 'us' so it seems fitting to include a bit more of us on this little old blog.

We'll see, right now I think I need to cuddle up with my husband and fall happily asleep.