Second Guessing

I'm at odds with myself today, I guess it started yesterday but none the less. I don't know what to do and my mind is literally all over the place. I'm on cycle day 70, no period and it's pretty safe to say I'm not pregnant which means I should be arranging for an appointment with my obstetrician but I don't know what I should say when I do see him.

A part of me; the part that so desperately wants to be a mom, that wants to give my amazing husband a baby, that wants to give our parents another grandchild, for my parents their second living grandchild. I want our baby to remember his/her grand parents – not in a fuzzy blur of photos and stories but real memories, I'm so scared I'll miss that chance. I know how much our world is waiting for our baby and I want so badly to give them that happiness. If I listen to that side, I'll be starting Clomid as soon as we can.

But there is also this part of me, the one that disappears for months but shows up just in time to make me second guess myself. The one that tells me how happy I could be if we wait longer – get into amazing shape, travel, experience new things; things that if we had a baby it'd be all that more difficult. The one that reminds me of a time, pre-pregnancy, when my body was lean and didn't host the scars of pregnancy – if only it was just stretchmarks, when I was happy with my body. I'll never be able to have my old body, or mind, back but I can imagine my happiness as I work with the body I have now. That my confidence will come back, that the hideous marks of pregnancy will lessen and disappear – that I'll be happy again. If I listen to that side who knows what the next months and years will mean not to mention how long "she" will even stick around, what if I agree to take time off and next week I'm back to pleading with my body to be pregnant.

I don't want to begin the next three rounds of Clomid if my heart isn't in it, that happened during our last cycle on Clomid and our efforts were minimal at best - for those that say "relax, don't think about it" that was my greatest effort, and it didn't work. But at the same time, I don't want hormonal birth control to screw my body up even more and I don't want my obstetrician to think I am not ready for this child. I don't want to waste time chasing something that barely matters when ultimately I know I want to be a Mom and I know time is going to run out.

UGH, I don't know what to do at all anymore.