So you would think after all this time I wouldn't so much as flinch at the idea of welcoming a new nephew to our families only a few weeks away from when we should have delivered ours.
But here I am, the sharp knife of jealousy sinking into my heart and it's not that I haven't been excited to meet and love on the precious babies that call me Auntie - because I have been and I do love each of them so dearly. But my heart hurts for me, for us, for the sweet babies we loved for such a short time before saying goodbye and it sucks.
So I thought I should write what I wish someone had given to the people around me back when my life after loss first began; to the family and friends, who love us and loved our sweet babies, that wished they could find the right words to say. I know everything was in best intentions, and I could never fault someone for doing the best that they could - heck I barely knew what I wanted or needed from the people around me as I bumbled along the path of grief, I could never expect more and I am so grateful that we have been surrounded by such loving and supportive people - I know we are incredibly blessed. But there have been moments, that I let slip by figuring I can manage, when I should have spoken up. So if you read this and make connections like "wait, I said that.." or "oh no, I don't do that.." don't be offended, I'm not writing this (or any part of my blog) in a malicious tone, this isn't to make anyone feel bad (whether you are in my life or here trying to understand a loved one) but instead to bring a voice to an otherwise silent and lonely grief.
Don't be afraid of us; sometimes I feel like I am some bad omen, that I am a reminder of the bad things that can happen and as long as everyone ignores it - as long as no one mentions it, everyone else lives happily ever after. I would never wish our pain on someone else, as much "Why Me?" as I can be sometimes - I also recognize "Why NOT Me?" and I would rather take the ache in my heart instead of watch this pain seethe through someone I care about. I don't deserve to have my grief swept under the rug because it makes someone else uncomfortable.
Do (try) to be gentle; things like pregnancy and babies, are incredibly difficult to hear about whether I am processing my struggles with infertility or grieving the loss of my pregnancies. I understand this is an exciting time for you, and you deserve to be excited, I know that you simply want to share this excitement with me but please try to be gentle. This has been so difficult with my miscarriage as we approach my would've been due date while I hear about all of the milestones and excitement that I should have been experiencing myself. I do not want to take away your excitement, moments shared with family members, baby showers, ultrasounds, ect. but I do not need a recap of everything. I am happy for you, but I am also hurting and processing my hurt, please be gentle with my heart. If I ask, fill me in but if I don't, please understand that I can't hear about all of this right now - like I said, I am happy for you, but hurting for myself.
Do try to be there for us; remember that I am grieving, just like any other death I am mourning the loss of someone I loved, I am mourning the memories I wont get to make and the dreams I had for our child. There is no time limit with grief and even if, to you, it feels like I should be over it - maybe I am not and I deserve to have as much understanding in my grief as someone grieving a grandparent/parent/spouse/friend. If you can, try to be there for us; grieving a child (or the hopes of) is incredibly lonely and it is nice to know you're not so alone all the time. You don't have to worry about having the right words, just being there is more than enough.
Don't be scared to mention our baby(ies); I think this is a big one that a lot of people avoid because they worry it will upset us or bring back the pain but you can't imagine how amazing it is to hear "I think about your son" my heart stops at the realization that he was really here, that people loved him and that he touched their hearts in a way that keeps them remembering him. That our son - who changed so much of who I am, isn't just something I should forget. That I am normal for thinking of him, that it isn't strange that I miss him or wonder what he would be like now. Having someone just mention our baby, is monumental, not heart breaking and while we may cry - those are happy tears.
Anyway I'm sure you could find a better list, maybe even a book, that could help you understand what your loved one is facing; I'm not writing this with expert knowledge, just my own experiences and a little bit of things I've picked up after spending these last years virtually sitting next to women just like me.
xo, Anne.
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