Things You Shouldn't Say

I could write a whole post on the many things people shouldn't say to someone struggling to get pregnant or someone who has lost a child, this post however is going to center around one thing someone said to me today which quite possibly takes the cake for worst thing someone has ever said to me.

I seldom open up to people about our struggles, it's our story plain and simple. But today, I suppose in a moment of sheer insanity or maybe it was because I have had to dance around “why don't you have any kids yet? “when are you going to have kids?” “are you pregnant?” for the last two years and I've finally had enough.

I sat there and haphazardly explained to a coworker why we haven't had kids yet (just that we've been trying and can't seem to get pregnant) – trust me the moment the words left my mouth I wished I could erase them, why'd I say anything it was better to leave her thinking I was just not interested in having kids. Since I couldn't take back what I had said I half expected things to get awkward or at the very least some attempt at “advice” probably, given our age something like 'you have plenty of time, you're so young' instead I received this...

“He should find someone else & move on” reasoned with " I just feel bad for him”

Is this real life? Did I actually hear what I thought I heard?
I sat there, looking at her, silently trying to process what was just said.

We, as mother's of angels and hopeful mom's waiting for our babies, get our share of hurtful words sometimes they are well meaning but misguided while some are said without thought or consideration. More often than not I receive the first, people try to give us advice or something to hope for and I understand that they mean well.

But this, I couldn't even fathom what I had heard, could she be serious? She continued on, I was barely listening, but I gathered that she hadn't seen many marriages survive (in general, not just with struggling to get pregnant) and in her culture it would happen (even as close to home as her cousin) where if a wife couldn't conceive the husband could marry another and carry on like that. As I sat there I could find reason behind her statement, not enough for her to tell me my husband should leave me since I am a failure as a woman because I can't get pregnant.

As if my insecurities weren't already bad I feel like less of a woman compared to girls that can get pregnant and have children at the drop of a hat while I struggle. I've ripped myself apart constantly searching for a reason why I can't get pregnant, maybe I'm too young? Maybe I'm too skinny? Or too fat? But any reason I come up with is battled down by logic – besides even the doctors consider me text book for a healthy pregnancy. Any time we see someone pregnant, or with small children I get insecure – does my husband wish he was with them instead? Does he wonder if his life would be easier with them? Does he ever think he made the wrong decision staying with me? Is my husband happy to be with me?

It's actually a very painful idea for me, I remember being at the hospital after we had gotten the news about our sweet baby boy and feeling like I had failed. Our happiness was gone and it was my fault, my body had betrayed me. I remember turning to Dyl who had never left my side and told him if he wanted to leave he could – I didn't expect him to stay. Not because I didn't think he loved me or our baby but simply because I felt I had failed him. Instead he cradled my head in his hands and kissed my forehead, never leaving my side and always supporting me. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have my husband, I know there are so many women who face things like my coworker suggested and I can't imagine what that is like – I know I am so very blessed. We have had conversations about our struggles and where we want things to go down the road for us; fostering/adopting a child isn't out of the picture but ultimately we want us happy and together.

When my mind slowed down and I caught my breath I gracefully told my coworker that my husband is happy and we're happy regardless, that we still have plenty of options ahead and that adoption is still on the table as well. I took control and got my point across, would it have felt nice to rip her apart? Maybe, but that isn't how I am and I was able to be myself and still give her something to consider the next time she has the opportunity to think before she speaks. However despite how I finished the conversation this whole experience has only further encouraged me to keep to myself and only share when I feel most comfortable with the person.

I'm way too good of a person right? Maybe I should've just punched her ;)