TTC Emotions After Loss

Trying to conceive is hard, hah - okay maybe not the act but when you've been trying for months and/or years the fun starts to disappear. The stress of timing, ovulation, charting and a parade of medications, tests and procedures will take it's toll on any couple, which I think in part is why "just relax" is so infuriating for couples who are trying to conceive because more often than not, it just isn't an option anymore.

But, trying to conceive after loss feels like you are trapped on this emotional roller coaster; half the time you are hoping and praying to get pregnant, all of the planning and over thinking of trying to conceive becomes a little more desperate especially when things like anniversaries or would've been due dates are looming in the near future. But you're hopeful, so it is still a little exciting and you figure you can handle a few more turns because maybe at the end of this two week wait you'll be pregnant and this time will be different, this time you'll stay pregnant and bring home a baby. The other half of the time, you're turned upside down and you're terrified. The "what if's" that have your mind spinning pull you in tightly; what if you loose another? what if you get past the first trimester then miscarry? what if you get to the end but it doesn't matter you still loose your baby? - what if next time isn't any different. You start to wonder if you can survive another loss, if your husband can handle carrying you through another heart break, how your family and friends will receive the news - Will their opinions of you trying again change? Will they think any less of you? Suddenly you realize, you're practically preparing for another loss and you haven't even gotten a positive yet.

It is such a mess and I've had a lot of those same emotions over these last cycles since the miscarriage, especially this last one. I remember how full of happiness I was when we were pregnant last but I also remember how much my heart broke when we found out our baby was gone and I am scared, I'm so scared to go through that again. But is the risk worth the reward? yes, I've heard it a thousand times and I know when we are finally holding that precious little baby all of this struggle will be worth it - when we get to hold our babies in heaven again, none of this struggle will have mattered either so of course we will keep trying but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. After you loose a baby, that innocence of happily pregnant turning into a healthy baby isn't there any more and while I continue to hope, there is a heaviness to the possibility of another pregnancy - that's just part of the territory.

So, I'm in the middle of my fertile window and in theory, heading into the two week wait any day now - CD15 today and dealing with the battery of emotions from struggling to conceive and trying after a loss. I feel like a hot mess, just crazy and emotional but hopeful.

xo, Anne.