I think we often fall into this thought process that if we don't get attached, if we don't do things to celebrate and remember, if we don't get excited then it won't hurt if something devastating happens. Logically it sort of makes sense; if there are no pictures I won't be reminded, if there were no journals I would never be able to recall how I felt at that moment. But the reality of loss is that it hurts no matter what, the world is upside down and whether or not you have a couple sleepers to (eventually) pack away isn't going to make it easier or worse. Your baby isn't with you, nothing is going to make that worse to face.
When I was pregnant with Lillith I did a weekly pregnancy journal, taking photos and writing about the week and how I was feeling. Every week I fought back those same feelings - the nasty what if?. I took maternity photos shortly after finding out that our miracle was a little girl, despite the worries of the ultrasound or the uncertainty that comes from loosing our precious son. It was my way of celebrating now, celebrating my round belly and the love we already had for our little girl. It was my way of telling those thoughts that loom in the dark corners of my mind that right at that moment they had no power over me, a big proverbial screw you.
It's not that I didn't struggle with it, heck I still do, trying to balance happiness and daily life with the awareness that tomorrow cannot be guaranteed - for anyone really. But it is always there and because of that, and honestly because time moves so incredibly fast, I capture every moment I can, I soak in every day because it is all I can do in this mortal life.
During my pregnancy with our son I took monthly photos, I didn't journal as much - although I did do some, and my photos weren't nearly as extensive as they were when I was pregnant with Lilly. I am still so grateful and I have enjoyed comparing my belly from one pregnancy to the other, being able to read some of the differences between our sweet boy in heaven and our miracle daughter. I also love that I have a handful of similar photos of both our children, that I can look at their tiny newborn faces and see how they look alike and how they are different.
As parents of baby's in heaven, all we really want is for our children to be recognized and remembered, I have always been so grateful to those that say his name or don't shy away when I talk about both of my children. Having these photos, being able to have things that were just his, making a journal for both of my pregnancies helps me remember that I will always be a mother of two. He was real, he was here and this isn't a dark secret to be hidden away but a son, a sibling, to be celebrated and remembered just as those on earth.
This is a mess, I'm sorry for that, and I wanted to share more but I fear this is becoming too much and I will have to save that for another day.
xo, Anne.
No comments:
Post a Comment