Four Years

OCT29 at 09:00am - By now we knew you were gone, the tears and heartache were more than I had ever known. By now the doctors and nurses would be scrambling, working hard to make sure that I would be okay.. more physically than emotionally at this point. 

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Every year, without fail, as October 28th slips away I begin to recount the day I gave birth to our precious son. The memories hit me hard, each passing hour of the day has something to account for and I let each sink deeply into me. We don't have a lot of traditions when it comes to the anniversary of our son's birth; there will be no celebrations or cake, no cards of phone calls sending birthday wishes. I've far too often struggled with this; imagining what I would have been doing if he were here, wondering what I maybe should be doing because he isn't - it becomes so overwhelming

He would be four today, our sweet little boy, running circles around us with those little blonde curls. He would have been the eldest of three new little cousins (with two much older) would he be like his Daddy and have them mesmerized by his four year old wonder as they watched his every move or would he be more like his Mommy and play softly, making sure they were happy. He would be talking and moving with ease now, intelligent and graceful, swift just like his Dad. We would start discussing school options this year and I would begin to dread the end of summer and our sweet little boy's first day of school.

But these thoughts of the sweet little boy I'll one day hold again do little but add to my already aching heart. I miss him dearly and today as we go about a day that nearly everyone seems to have forgotten, we grieve and search for ways to celebrate the child that so very much changed who we are. We talk about him more, openly as if we allow our hearts to fully grasp and remember the ache we felt that dark October night when we held our son for the first and last time, before we pull ourselves up and pack on the strength to hold it together for every other day. Some years we've looked through the things we have in his keepsake box and other years we've lit a candle for him. Some years we attend an awareness walk, I'll have to do a separate post just on that, and that has been something we do want to make a yearly event. We haven't quite found a way that feels just right for us, but we will get there and I guess that is just part of being a parent to an angel; finding what works best for you and yours.

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Happy 4th Birthday sweet heart, we miss you and cannot wait for the day you are in our arms again. We love you so much sweet heart.

"love knows not its own depth until the time of separation"