The D&C

A thin, pale blue gown loosely covers my nearly bare body, I feel exposed and hollow waiting in a small, cold room made of curtains. I have no make up on, haven't bothered for days now, and the nurses have told me to take off my rings along with the pins that normally pull the loose brown curls away from my face. I feel like an empty shell of my former self, far from the girl I used to be or at least the girl I am used to being.

I can't even remember the innocent me anymore; the one that never knew babies died, that never knew of all the many terrible things that happen to people that could never deserve it, every single day. I don't remember what it is like to feel free, free of the heaviness in my heart, free of the powerful anxiety that holds tightly onto my chest. I look at pictures, recognize that the girl there is me but I can't recall ever being her anymore & there is a deep sadness in loosing that part of me.

I didn't want to do this, I didn't want this to be how my third pregnancy ended. My obstetrician is so positive for me, so gentle with me and I force to put on a brave face for him and the nurses that visit. I wonder if my act is good enough or if everyone can see right through me. Only Dyl really knows how terrified I am, he tries to keep me calm and distracted, it helps some but my anxiety is eating away at my insides and with every passing minute I am terrified of the surgery that I am scheduled for. I'm holding back tears that are fighting to fall, the tightness in my chest feels like it is squeezing away my every breath so I try to remember what each of the girls on my forum told me about their D&C experiences, trying to remember the comfort I found in their words - it's nearly impossible but it helps a little bit too.

Finally I am being moved to the operating room, there are too many people - okay, I think it is actually less than 10 (maybe 6, including my OB who is doing the procedure), they are all so kind but I am still horrified. My anxiety is at an all time high, I don't want all these people here, I know they all have a reason to be there but all of a sudden I am very aware that each of them is going to see and be part of something very private and personal, I feel very embarrassed and I'm not entirely sure how to process this but soon the medication takes over my body, suddenly I feel warm and sleepy...

and funny, I very much remember giggling (& wanting to laugh even more) when my obstetrician told me that they were going to tie my arms down "to keep them from falling off" and while I understood this was to keep my arms up on the little tables the had at my sides the idea of my arms literally falling off was hilarious (although I kept that to myself).

When I wake up I am still very drowsy, Dyl is at my side and somehow I am back in my room made of curtains. I am warm and safe, a calmness has blanketed me and at that moment I can almost feel a vauge sense of closure.

- - -

Recovery had its ups and downs; physically I had bouts of terrible cramping and my bleeding was incredibly heavy (with some, TMI bad clots -  which I am no stranger to heavy & crampy periods or clots so this was quite bad for me to take special note) but eventually it slowed down & by the two week mark had disappeared. I've been a mess emotionally but I assume that is also normal as we grieve and navigate through the loss of our third pregnancy and the little baby I fell so deeply in love with. At 5 weeks post D&C I had my first period, a little heavier than usual but for the most part (see above) I'm kind of used to it. I have my follow up appointment with my obstetrician booked in the New Year and we will see where things go from there. While I wish that I never got to know what a D&C was, I am grateful that such a procedure does exist, that I had a wonderful team and a bunch of support. I do feel that it was instrumental for my body to move forward as it seemed even my body didn't want to give up on the pregnancy.