Memories

[as a note; I am still struggling with how to consider our most recent loss, much earlier than the son we lost at 40 weeks but no less loved, for the sake of this entry and until I find a way that my heart is happy with, my children not only refers to our son but also to our recent pregnancy as well.]

I hope that in heaven we do have our memories. 

We discussed today a thought that we will still hold onto our memories after our lives here on earth, after all what would be the purpose to our mortal lives if we didn't remember the good and the bad, what would we learn? and so I sat there, with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face at that very thought, I hope we have our memories in heaven.

My heart felt so full of love as I thought of the reunion with our precious children, of however long they were with us, as if that moment couldn't be more perfect as my arms finally hold the babies they have ached to hold for so long, only the happiest tears fall from my eyes and my heart is happier than ever - this is how I picture heaven, absolute happiness. But as if that couldn't be more perfect the thought that they may have a memory of when I carried them, that they will recall feeling such powerful love and safety. I don't think our children will remember "that one time you & Dad talked to me through your belly" but I can believe that they will remember that feeling, that safety and love, that my heart was so happy to have carried them, that my body did everything it could to keep them safe. 

I feel like I needed to hear that, for so long I struggled (and of course, in some way, I always will) with the memories we didn't get to make with our precious children; I will never get to make the holidays special for them, I will never get to read them bedtime stories or take them on what seems to them like a magical adventure - the kind of memories they would talk about for years and one day share with their own children. I will never have that chance, but the idea that in the brief time I carried them (compared to a lifetime of memories) we gave them memories of love and safety, that they will know who we are to them means more than I can imagine. 

Obviously, I have no idea what truly awaits us beyond this life but I pray that heaven is real and that we will get the opportunity to hold our children again.