Answers

When we first started on this journey my obstetrician cautiously suggested referring us to a fertility specialist, we hadn't found a reason why we were struggling so much and after a few failed rounds of Clomid it certainly wasn't a bad suggestion. But he also warned that because I was in my very early twenties when this began we would end up waiting a long time for that specialist appointment because "I still had lots of time".

It has been a long 8 years of being told we were healthy and that there was absolutely no reason why we were facing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Only now after seeing this fertility specialist being told that we have found answers, I do indeed have PCOS which is a hormone imbalance that causes infertility, among other health problems if left untreated. At the very begininng they suspected PCOS but after an ultrasound and bloodwork the idea got benched and I was moved into the unexplained infertility. We also discovered that what was believed to be a bicornuate uterus (and untreatable) is actually a uterine septum and although that is a big ugly problem it is treatable.

We have answers. We know why I have had so much trouble conceiving, why my ovulation and cycles are so unpredictable.

We now finally know why my babies have died (primarily the placental abruption causing my son's death) the miscarriage he couldn't confirm one way or another because "healthy normal women" experience a miscarriage or two but we also know that miscarriage is also very common with the uterine septum that I have. The ectopic pregnancy (my second pregnancy) was the fluke.

We now know why my babies have died.

What we don't know is how Lilly is here, healthy, safe and very much alive. She shouldn't be, my placenta should have torn away and likely would have but our cautiously scheduled c-section saved her life before my placenta had the chance to pull away. My placenta tore away when I reached 40 weeks with my son, he was 6lbs on the dot. When we discussed scheduling a c-section when I was pregnant with Lilly it was all about being precautious because we had no clue why my placenta tore away at 40 weeks, all we knew was that I wouldn't carry to 40 weeks. Lilly was delivered earlier and even that was filled with extra monitoring as we pushed her delivery from 37 weeks to 38 weeks to finally 38 weeks 5 days. How far can we keep her in while it is safe before the danger of another unexpected and previously unexplained placental abruption outweighed the benefits of her staying in. Yet my placenta held on, despite her being bigger than her brother, both in weight and height. I literally cannot handle the amount of miracles that went into her being here.

That is probably my only real regret that we didn't go sooner, that I didn't know sooner. Of course knowing all of this 8 years ago would have prevented a lot of heart ache - I absolutely cannot imagine loosing Lilly too. If we had pushed to be referred sooner would we have discovered these two big issues sooner? I'd imagine so and if we had then maybe Lilly's pregnancy wouldn't have been so complicated and risky. I also feel almost silly that I am finding out all of this out so we could (maybe.. hopefully) have one more baby. I don't want a big family like I once did, given all of our complications I am thrilled to be a momma to Lilly, and if she is our only I will love and celebrate her every chance I have. But I would like to give her a sibling here on earth too. It hurts my heart to no end when I see her with every other child she comes into contact with that have siblings and she is alone - just her brother in heaven.

We have answers, we now have a plan.

Talk to you soon, Anne.