TTC Update - What's Next for Us?

This month has been a mess, even in the blog you can probably tell that my head has been all over the place. Do we try something new? Do we keep trying naturally? Do we go back to Clomid? Stop charting? Keep charting? I certainly feel all over the place. So I wanted to be honest with you and explain what has been going on in my head, aside from confusion.

I'm getting desperate, May was supposed to mean a new beginning, although we miscarried our little May baby, which was every sort of devastating, I was so sure that we would be pregnant again by now (I don't know, after over 2 years ttc, why I would think it would happen quickly this time?). Everything was (and still is) regular but as we are heading to 6 months without success I'm starting to feel defeated again. I know I am young and that there is still time but I feel like I am stuck in this middle ground. Not pursuing things because “if I get pregnant I can't do this”, not doing things because “I might be pregnant” and yet I keep holding onto the knowledge that Clomid worked last time so I can always try that again. But every month that passes I feel like a failure and it feels like I am wasting my time waiting since I'm not getting pregnant anyway. I know ultimately it will all be worth it, I know that everything we have come through will be worth it when we are holding our baby but this is still so hard to go month to month without any success.

So after spending the last month debating between trying Clomid, continuing naturally, and attempting things that bounce around the TTC community. We have decided to meet with my OB next month and go back on Clomid. We will be going back to the same dose that we got pregnant on last year and although I am nervous to go through the side effects that the double dose of Clomid did to me last year I am excited that it will work again and we might be pregnant. I also have to acknowledge that we may not get pregnant on Clomid again and that means waiting for the reproductive specialist to decide that I'm a priority which my OB warns may not happen for a while considering my age. It sucks thinking that this could mean putting actively trying to conceive behind me for a while, moving my focus away from becoming a Mom but at the same time it means I can move forward which I don't feel like I can right now.

We will still be trying this cycle, I see my OB on June 4^th and of course there is a chance we could be pregnant but I am preparing to go back to Clomid this summer. Interesting note, every time I have started Clomid it has been in the summer 2011, 2012 and now 2013. Hoping that we will have our 2014 baby one way or another!

xo, Anne.

Cycle Update

So I sort of quit charting this cycle, while I like how much you can learn from charting and especially from your temps it is also kind of stressful for me. It usually lends to the monthly pregnancy suspicions, I obsess over the dates and compare them to when we did our part, then there is this whole other world of possible pregnancy symptoms. It just drives me insane sometimes, so after my temps got a little wonky around (suspected) ovulation I quit - which may not have been the best idea since my cycle is late now.

I took a test earlier in my cycle, it was negative but when my period didn't show up yesterday I started to over-analyze and it even had me up middle of the night thinking too much. So I pulled out that other test and still negative - boo. I know there are women that can be pregnant and not get a positive HPT but I've never had that before and my cycle has disappeared on me in the past so I am not holding my breath (hopefully it will stay that way though). I'm trying not to be too frustrated with it, trying not to stress myself out because it is still very early and maybe we are just going to be a little bit late - just hoping I don't have another 100+ day cycle because that is ridiculous.

I am a little excited at the possibility that my cycle is just moving weeks (it used to do that every so often, even when I was really regular) because my current cycle puts me at the beginning of the month for a potential due date but because of my history with the placental abruption I will more than likely deliver early and not in the birth month that the potential due date was in. Obviously that isn't a big deal but I kind of liked saying we're having a May baby because we were due mid May and even if we delivered early it would still be in May - I'll take our healthy baby whenever, due date doesn't matter it just makes me feel like something fun will come out of my cycle being late.

I'm just not sure how to feel about where things will go from here, as long as everything stays regular I don't need to attempt clomid. Clomid was an, if needed, option but if my period disappears for much longer it is going to be needed and I am not sure if I am really ready to feel like I need Clomid. But at the same time, I will be going back on the 100mg dose like last summer when I got pregnant with our last which makes me feel very hopeful that we will get pregnant again quickly and hopefully bring that baby home with us.

I am strangely not as emotional as I thought I would be - especially since this was the last cycle I could get pregnant before the May due date of our miscarriage but I am sure that will come too. I guess I am still sorting through my thoughts, hopefully everything will come together soon.

xo, Anne.

Dreaming

Last night I had this incredible dream; we had our baby, a tiny girl with dark brown hair and a little french chin (haha, both my brother's son & our sweet boy have/had strong "french" chins - I'll be surprised if the next doesn't) The dream starts with us bringing her home, our home, we're having dinner but I keep leaving to check on her or hold her. I'm worried about little things, should we set up the pack and play because it is easiest and if she has eaten enough or needs to be changed. My dream was so vivid and so real that as I woke up my mind warned me to move slowly, as if our dream baby was sleeping between us.

This wasn't my first Clomid induced dream, I've had two others over the course of the week but both were focused on a pregnancy not a newborn. If these are any idication of my near future, I am over the moon.

Anyway, I am officially three days past ovulation, with my temps looking great I can confidently say that I am now in the two week wait. I'm going to try to keep my mind distracted with the projects I have going on but I can't wait for the next eleven days to slip by us.

Fingers crossed we have our positive this month.

Dear Clomid,

I don't think I like you very much, or maybe you don't like me?

- - -

This cycle, Clomid is kicking my butt! I expected to feel a difference between this cycle, at the higher 100mg dose compared to last years rounds of 50mg, but I didn't expect to feel this bad.

I'm nauseated and dizzy, constantly running to the bathroom, my sleeping habits destroyed, and my mood swings holy bananas they have been insane. I get worked up over nothing one day then the next I'm bouncing off the moon happy, ugh. Oh, did I mention the cramping? madness.

Worst? probably the mood swings because everyone else has to deal with them, the rest is on me alone and I'm pretty good at dragging myself through things.

In a way all of this gets me excited, this strong reactions must mean it's working and I know every bit of this will be absolutely worth it when we are holding our baby - it just sucks a little right now.

Little Emotional

I've cried watching the Olympics - more than once.

Needless to say, the Clomid is making me a bit emotional.. or crazy? Tomorrow is my last dose for this cycle and I am hoping that this is our month.

Back Into the Ring with Clomid

I've spent weeks waiting and anticipating yesterday's appointment with my obstetrician, trying to organize my thoughts and questions, wondering how it would go and what my obstetrician would say. Weeks of being nervous and I was so incredibly anxious as I ran five flights of stairs to his office - then nothing, the anxiety faded as I sat waiting for the nurse to call my name.

So after a breif catch up with my obstetrician he told me he was going to up my dose of Clomid to 100mg (versus the 50mg I did during my first three months on Clomid last year). I did ovulate on the 50mg, so I am hopeful that we conceive on the 100mg dose. Also much like last year he is also sending me for the day 21 progesterone bloodwork to confirm ovulation, I'll be able to call the office for my results instead of booking an appointment and waiting.

I must admit I am a bit curious and nervous of taking the higher dose, I know Clomid comes with a mess of side effects and I was lucky enough to miss most during our months on 50mg but I wonder how I'll react on the higher dose and hope it won't be as rough as I am expecting. Regardless this is all such a small price to pay if in the end we bring home our baby.

I am so hopeful of these upcoming cycles, almost so much that I cannot wait to start. I know that these three cycles are a tad more stressful because if we do not conceive during the three rounds on Clomid my obstetrician will have to move me to the fertility specialists. But I am doing everything I can not to think about that and instead keep positive.

This will be our year, so many people are praying and hoping for us.

My Cycle is Whack

During my September cycle, the one that meant the end of Clomid until 2012, I kept wondering how my body would react. For the last three months my body adjusted to the hormones I was putting into it and I couldn't help but be curious how my body would handle the withdraw (I kind of sound like an addict, haha I promise I'm not).

Twice this cycle (once approximately during the week I would have ovulated then again the week my period should have come) I noticed some prolonged spotting/light bleeding. Not enough to be considered a period but enough to wear a pad and be annoyed, hah. I'm going to chock it up to my body coming down from the three months on Clomid.

I try to avoid searching online for answers when it comes to my body so I'm going to stick with my instinct and make sure to mention this to my obstetrician when I see him in January.

To my surprise, I'm not nearly as upset about this as I thought I would be.

3 Months Down, 3 Months Off

Yepp, my period is here and there is no denying that I am most certainly not pregnant.

I kind of knew going into our third month on Clomid we wouldn't be successful, I kept holding out on this hope that we would get pregnant anyway but in the back of my mind I pretty much knew the likelihood was small. On September 17th my dear brother got married to a lovely girl who was practically my sister already, it was a beautiful day despite the massive amount of stress and I am so happy for them. None the less, I knew as the day got closer I had an ever growing pile of stress on my shoulders, this was the first month where I can barely remember thinking “am I pregnant?” We didn't have time to think about charting and I barely kept my eye out for ovulation signs. If this counts as the 'just relax and don't think about it' route, we weren't very successful anyway.

So here we are, three rounds of Clomid down and at least three months before we could attempt Clomid again. My obstetrician gave us the okay to try to conceive over the next few months, since there is no foreseeable reason for my lack of ovulation there is always the chance my body will restart once it comes down from the Clomid. Fingers crossed.

I thought I would be more upset about this, considering how poorly I took my periods arrival the past two months but I'm weirdly okay – we'll see how long that feeling sticks around.

& We're 2-0

This month along with Clomid I thought I would try my hand at charting (I'm working on a post with charting information). When we got pregnant with the ectopic (our second pregnancy) it was our first month trying and I just upped my body awareness. Since we were semi-successful then with just a little body awareness along with my obstetrician confirming ovulation I figured charting and keeping track of everything was as close to a guarantee as I could get. Everything on my chart looked great, until my temperature dropped the day before my expected period but despite that I blindly hoped we were pregnant anyway maybe I was reading it wrong? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Yes, you read that right. I actually wasted money on a pregnancy test that even the lady behind the counter could have told me would be negative. I cried all day and felt so sorry for myself, money wasted and our second round on Clomid was a failure with only one more round left.

I'm coming around, but its hard not to feel down at the moment.

Reacting to Clomid

Just before my June menstrual cycle started I know I was very anxious to start taking Clomid, there are plenty of women who experience some pretty terrible side effects while on Clomid and after having such a rough reaction to the progesterone pills I couldn't help but expect the Clomid pills to bring it.

Anxiously I waited and while I did experience hot flashes, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, breast discomfort and an increase in nervous tension. My difficulties sleeping carried over nicely after my progesterone pills, which screwed up my sleeping habits to begin with. But everything was mild, I didn't experience any vomiting and overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I know I am lucky, I can't imagine the difficulties some women have with Clomid, but I hope that my mild experiences may help calm the nerves of someone about to start Clomid. Just try to relax, take care of yourself and let your doctor know if something becomes bothersome. Oh, and keep focused, I'm sure everyone on this lovely boat with you knows that the end result is well worth it.

The hubs and I are heading out tomorrow for our anniversary “weekend”(its mid-week, but landed on our days off) and we're spending it in a castle midst the mountains in Banff. I'm so excited for this getaway, three years married and over six years together, not to forget that this is also our kick-off to trying to conceive and hopefully we'll spend our fourth wedding anniversary hiking with a little one in our arms (actually strapped safe and sound in a secure carrier... but that didn't sound as sweet)

Information on Clomid (or clomiphene citrate)

Similar to my last info-post, everything here is written in my own words using the information my obstetrician (and pharmacy in this case) have provided me. My intention with these kinds of entries is to, hopefully, help people who are coming into these things have a better understanding as to what they are. Always discuss your questions and concerns with your health care provider.

. . . .

Clomiphene citrate or Clomid, is used as a fertility medicine for women who unable to get pregnant on their own due to some sort of dysfunction of ovulation. Clomid works by increasing the release of hormones from the pituitary gland which prepares your body for pregnancy and causes ovulation to occur. It takes several days before it will take effect, which is why most patients will be instructed to start taking Clomid during their menstrual cycle (usually on day three or day five) and continue for the next five days, in my case I start on day three of my cycle and carry on to my seventh taking the small pill at the same time each day just as I was instructed.

There is a small but none-the-less increased chance of a multiple birth if you do become pregnant while using Clomid, it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss the possibility with your partner and family members in the off-chance that a multiple birth occurs.

As your body adjusts to taking Clomid you may find yourself experiencing hot flashes, dizziness or light-headedness, feelings of depression, nausea or vomiting, an increase in nervous tension or trouble sleeping, breast discomfort, fatigue and even a lighter or heavier menstrual flow. It is always a good idea to take note of these and let your health care provider know if they continue or become worse.

There are several side effects associated with the use of Clomid, aside from the intended effects some women may experience the following reactions to Clomid, make sure you check with your doctor right away if any of the below occur:
-bloating
-develop a rash
-pelvic or stomach pain
-blurred vision or seeing flashes of light (or other visual problems)

As a precaution let your doctor know if you have had an allergic reaction to Clomiphene (or Clomid), suspect you may be pregnant or have a cyst on your ovary, liver disease, fibroid tumours of the womb, unusual vaginal bleeding or even a history of depression. Always discuss any questions or concerns with your health care provider.








Please note, as mentioned above all information is in my own words (or opinions) based off the information provided to me from my ob/gyn. I am in no way a doctor but hope that what information I relay here will help calm the nerves of someone like me. Always discuss your questions or concerns with your doctor.

The Start...

On Sunday my cycle finally started, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't expected it to start right away – of course I did. But, as the days passed my side effects caused by the progesterone pills started to subside and by Sunday morning my cycle showed up.

I was ecstatic, I may or may not have even danced a little – haha. My obstetrician had warned me that this cycle would be worse then normal since the lining had been building up over the past months. Day one was average, I actually worried that it would stop and disappear just to be difficult but day two rolled around and I was most definitely reassured that this was indeed here to stay (for a few days you know?). Normally I have a rather heavy cycle and I fight off some pretty rough cramping on the second and third day – yesterday blew those expectations of a “normal” cycle out of the water. I spent nearly the whole day in bed with my heating pad, in this ridiculous amount of pain – only getting up to go to the washroom, which was more often then normal and reheat my heating pad. It was unbelievable and I was so sensitive too. Today I am doing so much better, an improvement from yesterday in the least and that's enough for me.

Today I also started taking Clomid, I'll be preparing an information post about it soon (and probably one for the progesterone pill I was on earlier) I'm nervous for the side effects that may ensue but I'm clutching tightly onto the hope that this cycle may be it for us and no amount of side effects will make that any less worth it.

It's all worth it.